Wednesday, 19 August 2009

The Hitler of Hats (The Pighat of Hats, If You Will)

If we had to come to a decisive consensus, as a people, on what the most evil shoe is, I think we all know what it would be. High heel crocs, no brainer. Just as we react with innate fear and revulsion to darkness and snakes, a cultural genetic memory leads us inescapably towards the conclusion that high heel crocs are a shameful nadir in human civilization.

But what is the most evil hat? I would argue that it is the knitted cloche cap, and my proof is in the handmade pudding called etsy. KNITTED CLOCHES MAKE PEOPLE HATE THEIR LIVES. If you don't believe me just check out all these poor souls:

"I wonder what my high school boyfriend is doing now. Sigh, he's probably dead."

"Did I remember to turn the gas off before I left the house? Sigh, if my house blows up then at least I won't have to live in this town anymore."

"I wish I knew where my dog is. Sigh, he usually comes back home before bedtime and it's so lonely in the apartment without him."

"I just killed my neighbor's dog. Yeah, you heard me. I'm not sorry I did it, merely that I could not join him in escaping this meaningless flesh-parade we call life. "

"Where am I? Why do I feel so depressed? Did... did..."

"Did someone just put a knitted cloche on my head? What is on my head? Oh jesus, get it off me, get it off me."

I mean, is it even possible to find someone on Etsy wearing a knitted cloche and not looking utterly, shockingly miserable?

Oh good.

If you like living dangerously, take your Wellbutrin and head over to or for some of these handmade joy-killers.


  1. Seriously, why are they all so sad? Now, I'm going to have to do my own research. . .

  2. You caught me. I am at the nadir of human desolation.

    Why? Because I ~love~ my crocs Cyprus sandals --and, btw, despise those nappy looking a-colander-ate-my-toes ones.

    So there ;-)

    Fwiw, I agree, no one should ever wear a homemade hat. Especially the really sad lady with the bad black dye job!

  3. Dynila

    I would prefer if you didn't use "nappy" as an insult, even in good humor. I'm doing my best to work on my own white privilege right now, and racially insensitive language is kind of a major buzzkill for me.

    Thanks :)


  4. The third picture down (second girl) almost looks like a passable snowboarding hat.
    You know, if a girl was to sit around in her mom's attic eating Cheetohs(tm) and knitting.

  5. It's the only thing to wear when killing your neighbour's dog!

  6. Those are some really, really weird photos. I love the last one. It was such a relief!

  7. OK, 1) more crochet than knitting and 2) apparently the word cloche has lost all meaning in this world.

  8. I like the fact that the 'model' in pics 1,2,5 & 6, is trying her best to 'work it' with the pouty mouth, she looks fierrrrce

  9. I love the hat that the girl wears in which the caption is I wish I knew where is my dog hehehe very simple.

  10. I had no idea crafts could be so funny. I never would have imagined it fact. Great work, I love this!

  11. Phew! (wipe eyes) Them captions were some good hilarity. You turn tears of sadness into laughter... then into tears.

    P.L. Frederick (Small & Big)


Related Posts with Thumbnails