I was curious, I admit, when I saw this fuzzy little thing in the "ceramic" section on ETSY. Too curious. Overly curious. Regretfully curious. Because this fuzzy little thing isn't a needle-felted white poo like I had suspected. Oh no. That would have been almost acceptable. This fuzzy little thing is a, oh god I can't even think about it. I just can't. This makes my stomach feel itchy. Fuck me. It's a ceramic dog covered with glued-on dog hair.
That's right. Some lady sculpted a "dog (?)" out of who the hell knows what, and then hot-glue-gunned her dog's hair all over it. HER DOG'S HAIR. And let's not forget the little red bow that really brings it all together. Because nothing says "gluing your dog's hair all over an unfortunate ceramic object is perfectly normal and not at all deeply nauseating" like an adorable gingham bow. Hurl.
I've been feeling a bit stressed out at work recently, but you know what's cheered me up no end? This £99,500 painting of a pair of disembodied, levitating hands reaching out to a very, very pale Michael Jackson riding in a massive umbrella with his children on what I can only assume to be a sea of delusion and perpetual atonement. And this brightens my day.
Why riding in an umbrella? Why the hell not? Why are his very-much-alive kids with him on this trip down the proverbial River Styx? Because this piece of artistic genius will not be shackled, yes, SHACKLED, by facts. Why £99,500? Because clearly £99,00 wasn't enough but £100,000 was, you know, too much. There are many things that you could say about this artist, but apparently being greedy isn't one of them.
Apparently third place was a used Q-tip stapled to a oily sock. With a dead kitten inside.
And just a side-note: I've officially never seen the term "amateur" used so flatteringly. I can think of lots of words to describe this tomfuckery, but "amateur" isn't one of them. I think the word "amateur" still denotes a certain level of aptitude, or a least a person giving half a rat's ass, neither of which are attributes I could honestly level at this artistic genius.