I Think I Just Barfed A Little Bit In My Mouth.

I was curious, I admit, when I saw this fuzzy little thing in the "ceramic" section on ETSY.  Too curious.  Overly curious.  Regretfully curious.  Because this fuzzy little thing isn't a needle-felted white poo like I had suspected.  Oh no.  That would have been almost acceptable.  This fuzzy little thing is a, oh god I can't even think about it.  I just can't.  This makes my stomach feel itchy.  Fuck me.  It's a ceramic dog covered with glued-on dog hair.

That's right.  Some lady sculpted a "dog (?)" out of who the hell knows what, and then hot-glue-gunned her dog's hair all over it.   HER DOG'S HAIR.  And let's not forget the little red bow that really brings it all together.  Because nothing says "gluing your dog's hair all over an unfortunate ceramic object is perfectly normal and not at all deeply nauseating" like an adorable gingham bow.  Hurl.

$220 Worth Of Fail

This is a Public Service Announcement for all Etsy crafters, Malbers2 in particular:


This, no matter what you intended and regardless of how much you would like it to be, is not a punch bowl. It just isn't. What it is, though, is hideous, and apparently, melting. Punch bowls, you see, are intended for the purpose of holding punch, and are generally large and aesthetically pleasing. This, on the other hand, is just very unfortunate and, let's face it, somewhat depressing. Were I to be at a party that was using this to dole out said party beverages, I think I would have to seriously reconsider my entire social life, that's all I'm saying.


And these, Malbers2, are not a matching set of punch cups, as they are neither matching, nor punch cups. And even if I were to cede that they could, hypothetically, hold some liquid, and are therefore cups, I would counter that given the fact that they physically cannot be put down without emptying themselves entirely they force a commitment to your punch that I am just not sure I am willing to give. I mean, I like punch as much as the next person, but I am all sorts of unwilling to spend the entire length of your next house-party gingerly holding an upside-down ceramic anteater just because you couldn't be bothered to make your cups do the one thing that cups are required to do: hold liquid in a reasonable manner. Instead, your cups hold liquid in an unreasonable manner, sir, and I find it distressing.

I'll Take Alan Rickman For The Win

So apparently, I'm still getting traffic to this site from people looking for Alan Rickman. I would make fun of these obsessive loons, but hey, the heart wants what the heart wants. Besides, who am I to deny these strange, wandering souls the sexy of the Rickman? Speaking of which:


I'm so glad this artist managed to find such a handsome portrait of Alan Rickman to use as the focal point for this stunning piece of jewellery. Truly, Sir Rickman has never looked better. His enviably pale, sickly pallor and sultry, sunken, come-hither eyeballs really make me shudder with delight. And that sneer! Ooh, that sensual, disgruntled grimace of disdain is enough to make any girl, and even some men, positively slack-jawed with unease. And luckily, according to the jeweller:
"He's been sealed with a few coats of glossy varnish so that all his sexiness STAYS sexy!!!"


And this, my friends, is what Alan Rickman would look like if he were a fish with the face of Alan Rickman. Because why the hell not.