I Think I Just Barfed A Little Bit In My Mouth.

I was curious, I admit, when I saw this fuzzy little thing in the "ceramic" section on ETSY.  Too curious.  Overly curious.  Regretfully curious.  Because this fuzzy little thing isn't a needle-felted white poo like I had suspected.  Oh no.  That would have been almost acceptable.  This fuzzy little thing is a, oh god I can't even think about it.  I just can't.  This makes my stomach feel itchy.  Fuck me.  It's a ceramic dog covered with glued-on dog hair.

That's right.  Some lady sculpted a "dog (?)" out of who the hell knows what, and then hot-glue-gunned her dog's hair all over it.   HER DOG'S HAIR.  And let's not forget the little red bow that really brings it all together.  Because nothing says "gluing your dog's hair all over an unfortunate ceramic object is perfectly normal and not at all deeply nauseating" like an adorable gingham bow.  Hurl.

Note The Tasteful Use of Empty Bud Light Cans.

If this doesn't constitute animal cruelty, I suspect not much does.

Although, in a "that dog is totally going to kill its owner in the middle of the night" kinda way, this is almost kinda awesome.


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The Look On His Face Says It All. Srsly.

In the absence of a lengthy post today, I'm just going to post this redonculous tomfuckery.

Now discuss.

Call PETA. Quickly.

What, gentle reader, do you suppose this is? Apart from 'drab', that is?


A doily? An unfinished place mat? A woolly representation of the first nanosecond of the Big Bang?A knitted protozoan?

Good guesses, everyone. It is, however - I shit you not - a dog collar. A crocheted dog collar. For that really thin-necked canine in your life. Moreover, the maker entitles it "Elegant Dog Collar" (elegant!) and makes the fanciful and egregious claim that "It keeps your dog really warm!-♥-"

Really? Really? Do you think that your little heart -♥-wingding there ameliorates the bald-faced extravagance of the lie that demands we believe that this scrap of wool could possibly have any thermal qualities whatsoever?

[The website from which I gleaned this beauty, by the way, claims to be 'Fueling the Crochet Revolution'. Forgive my ignorance of current affairs but I wasn't aware of such an uprising. Is it like Czechoslovakia's Velvet Revolution?]

It's a laudable ambition to keep your pet warm, I suppose, but the ends have to match that aspiration. We are told that most heat and light (well, possibly not light - I'm no scientist) is lost through the head, and this mutt-ly millinery at least addresses that issue (thanks to David D):


The problem here is that the dog is supposed to be a noble creature. This beast merely looks goofy. As does this Yorkshire terrier:


Alright, some people might think 'cute', I'll grant you; and we have a stylish hat and coat combined. What should a Yorkie in a hoodie be called, though? A Yordie? A Hookie?

Here we see man's best friend in an alarming collection of jerseys:



A warm dog should be a happy dog. These, palpably, are not. I feel particularly for the plus-size young lady in the lower picture. That's not a flattering look, and she knows it; and she had no choice in the matter.

The Maltese at the top looks terrified, to be honest. The crafter says "I used a size J crochet hook!" On the dog?

Here, though, surely is the pièce de résistance of today's canine couture.


It's a 'crocheted dog leash'. Or that at least is the claim. That thing is not going to 'leash' even the most sickly chihuahua; perhaps not even the plush puppy on which it is displayed. Mind you, it might go nicely with that collar with which we began.


G. Henry