Friday, 19 June 2009

Call PETA. Quickly.

What, gentle reader, do you suppose this is? Apart from 'drab', that is?

A doily? An unfinished place mat? A woolly representation of the first nanosecond of the Big Bang?A knitted protozoan?

Good guesses, everyone. It is, however - I shit you not - a dog collar. A crocheted dog collar. For that really thin-necked canine in your life. Moreover, the maker entitles it "Elegant Dog Collar" (elegant!) and makes the fanciful and egregious claim that "It keeps your dog really warm!-♥-"

Really? Really? Do you think that your little heart -♥-wingding there ameliorates the bald-faced extravagance of the lie that demands we believe that this scrap of wool could possibly have any thermal qualities whatsoever?

[The website from which I gleaned this beauty, by the way, claims to be 'Fueling the Crochet Revolution'. Forgive my ignorance of current affairs but I wasn't aware of such an uprising. Is it like Czechoslovakia's Velvet Revolution?]

It's a laudable ambition to keep your pet warm, I suppose, but the ends have to match that aspiration. We are told that most heat and light (well, possibly not light - I'm no scientist) is lost through the head, and this mutt-ly millinery at least addresses that issue (thanks to David D):

The problem here is that the dog is supposed to be a noble creature. This beast merely looks goofy. As does this Yorkshire terrier:

Alright, some people might think 'cute', I'll grant you; and we have a stylish hat and coat combined. What should a Yorkie in a hoodie be called, though? A Yordie? A Hookie?

Here we see man's best friend in an alarming collection of jerseys:

A warm dog should be a happy dog. These, palpably, are not. I feel particularly for the plus-size young lady in the lower picture. That's not a flattering look, and she knows it; and she had no choice in the matter.

The Maltese at the top looks terrified, to be honest. The crafter says "I used a size J crochet hook!" On the dog?

Here, though, surely is the pièce de résistance of today's canine couture.

It's a 'crocheted dog leash'. Or that at least is the claim. That thing is not going to 'leash' even the most sickly chihuahua; perhaps not even the plush puppy on which it is displayed. Mind you, it might go nicely with that collar with which we began.

G. Henry


  1. Those poor dogs. It was a good idea, I guess, but, um....not quite.
    Funny though, in a point and laugh sort of way *wicked grin*

  2. Are you sure the first item isn't a chemical representation heterocyclic ring of Valium? Nothing could be more relaxing than knitting actual Valium, right?

  3. It's the look on these little dogs faces, they seem to be saying, "why me? why me?".

  4. That little dog wearing the pinata does not look happy! How cruel! How f'ed up!

  5. If these dogs one day turn on their owners and attack them, I don't think we could possibly blame them.

  6. All the dogs look super bummed.
    I wouldn't use that leash to wipe my ass,
    much less walk my 60lb. dog on it.

  7. Holy crap, this is the funniest post I've read in a while! Very nice work, Miss Hilarity.

  8. oh god - this post has made me actually cry with laughter - that fat dog in the red coat is the funniest thing I have seen for ever it seems


Related Posts with Thumbnails