Call PETA. Quickly.

What, gentle reader, do you suppose this is? Apart from 'drab', that is?


A doily? An unfinished place mat? A woolly representation of the first nanosecond of the Big Bang?A knitted protozoan?

Good guesses, everyone. It is, however - I shit you not - a dog collar. A crocheted dog collar. For that really thin-necked canine in your life. Moreover, the maker entitles it "Elegant Dog Collar" (elegant!) and makes the fanciful and egregious claim that "It keeps your dog really warm!-♥-"

Really? Really? Do you think that your little heart -♥-wingding there ameliorates the bald-faced extravagance of the lie that demands we believe that this scrap of wool could possibly have any thermal qualities whatsoever?

[The website from which I gleaned this beauty, by the way, claims to be 'Fueling the Crochet Revolution'. Forgive my ignorance of current affairs but I wasn't aware of such an uprising. Is it like Czechoslovakia's Velvet Revolution?]

It's a laudable ambition to keep your pet warm, I suppose, but the ends have to match that aspiration. We are told that most heat and light (well, possibly not light - I'm no scientist) is lost through the head, and this mutt-ly millinery at least addresses that issue (thanks to David D):


The problem here is that the dog is supposed to be a noble creature. This beast merely looks goofy. As does this Yorkshire terrier:


Alright, some people might think 'cute', I'll grant you; and we have a stylish hat and coat combined. What should a Yorkie in a hoodie be called, though? A Yordie? A Hookie?

Here we see man's best friend in an alarming collection of jerseys:



A warm dog should be a happy dog. These, palpably, are not. I feel particularly for the plus-size young lady in the lower picture. That's not a flattering look, and she knows it; and she had no choice in the matter.

The Maltese at the top looks terrified, to be honest. The crafter says "I used a size J crochet hook!" On the dog?

Here, though, surely is the pièce de résistance of today's canine couture.


It's a 'crocheted dog leash'. Or that at least is the claim. That thing is not going to 'leash' even the most sickly chihuahua; perhaps not even the plush puppy on which it is displayed. Mind you, it might go nicely with that collar with which we began.


G. Henry