Tuesday, 30 June 2009

Bad Duck. Bad Duck.


Something to remember lest we feel begin to feel a pang of guilt about holding this very special Anseriform artwork up for ridicule: it was created by a grown adult human person who seems to know how to use a digital camera, the internet, shops, scissors, thumb tacks and breakfast cereal, but who still labors under that infantile notion that the sky cowers in a thin strip at the top of the troposphere while the sun glows like a thermonuclear dandelion.

I was going to include glue in that list above but even basic adhesion skills seem to have escaped Our Lady of the Construction Paper. Fortunately, another of her projects requires no such complicated equipment. It's a box. I'm sorry, "AWESOME BOX!"

In the best "before and after" tradition, this is how it started:

Pretty plain, huh? But wait! Here's the exciting transformation:

The step-by-step instructions, I kid you not, lead us through the five-step process of drawing some lines with a Sharpie then coloring in between them. We are encouraged also to add glitter and gems and such but we're on our own by this point, given how daunted our tutor seems to be by the intricacies of Elmers Glue.

Back to fine art, though; and if anybody should wish to recreate the effect of a highly incontinent family of gastropods staggering home after a night quaffing prune juice and Purple Drank, then evidently they could do worse than to blow and dribble watercolor paint through a straw, as our next artist -- channelling his inner eight-year-old -- amply demonstrates:

Next week: Potato prints and Picasso's Blue Period.

G. Henry


  1. Goodness! Coloring between the lines on the box (for the most part)???

    Now if only I can find some masonite media prepunched for three ring binders, my copy of the Mona Lisa is as good as done.

  2. *staring wide eyed* uhm...maybe she ran out of blue to do the whole sky? *shaking head* good Lord.

  3. It looks like something someone pulled out of a binder of childhood "artwork" or maybe that was the starting point.

    As for the box? "POINT"LESS

  4. Nowhere else in the entire internet could one find any reference to incontinent gastropods. And that is why I come here.

  5. I have a shrine to Our Lady of the Construction Paper in my Crapft Room. What a coincidence.

  6. I so love your writing.

    Best part of the artwork? The 3 hole punches on the top. Way to go on the reduce reuse recycle aspect.

    I love instructions. I'm gonna craft like a maniac today.

  7. I have now been moved to google "incontinent gastropods", and find myself worryingly satisfied that HomemadeHilarity is indeed the top -- and only -- reference thereto.

    Let's not expect too many hits from that particular search, then. But I'm sure it'll make my mother proud.

    G Henry.

  8. Ew, that last one looks like a colourful mix of pedophile ejaculation. Fuck my life.

  9. In reference to the duck picture, most people figure out that there isn’t any space between the sky and ground by the time they hit the 2nd grade. Additionally, most people get out of the habit of putting the sun in the corner like a neon spider web before they move on to middle school.


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