I.. uhm.. Don't Even Know Where To Go With This One

So I was just innocently looking up apple recipes on the internet, and this one cought my eye. Dear god, how I wish there were a photo:

APPLE CINNAMON COOKIE DOUGH

Ingredients:

• 1 cup ground cinnamon
• 1 cup applesauce
• 1/4 cup white school glue (optional)

Directions:

1. Add the cinnamon to the applesauce until you get a clay-like consistency.
2. You may add glue for added thickness.
3. Once the dough is mixed, create shapes with your hands or roll the dough out and use cookie cutters.
4. Add glitter for fun!
5. Let the dough dry.

PLEASE, dear readers, DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME. Or if you do, I heartily suggest you opt-out of the glue and glitter. Or at least the glue. Shitting glitter could be fun on the weekends.

Seriously, though, these sound like horrible cookies.

I'm Not Quite Sure What Happened Here, To Be Honest

As if I had to tell you, these were indeed made by an adult. A mentally capable adult. Who apparently owns a glue gun and a very singular sense of accomplishment.

Bad Duck. Bad Duck.

Something to remember lest we feel begin to feel a pang of guilt about holding this very special Anseriform artwork up for ridicule: it was created by a grown adult human person who seems to know how to use a digital camera, the internet, shops, scissors, thumb tacks and breakfast cereal, but who still labors under that infantile notion that the sky cowers in a thin strip at the top of the troposphere while the sun glows like a thermonuclear dandelion.

I was going to include glue in that list above but even basic adhesion skills seem to have escaped Our Lady of the Construction Paper. Fortunately, another of her projects requires no such complicated equipment. It's a box. I'm sorry, "AWESOME BOX!"

In the best "before and after" tradition, this is how it started:


Pretty plain, huh? But wait! Here's the exciting transformation:


The step-by-step instructions, I kid you not, lead us through the five-step process of drawing some lines with a Sharpie then coloring in between them. We are encouraged also to add glitter and gems and such but we're on our own by this point, given how daunted our tutor seems to be by the intricacies of Elmers Glue.

Back to fine art, though; and if anybody should wish to recreate the effect of a highly incontinent family of gastropods staggering home after a night quaffing prune juice and Purple Drank, then evidently they could do worse than to blow and dribble watercolor paint through a straw, as our next artist -- channelling his inner eight-year-old -- amply demonstrates:


Next week: Potato prints and Picasso's Blue Period.

G. Henry