Wednesday, 31 December 2008

Avert Your Eyes If You're Under 18

While there is no way I can be absolutely positive, I am told this is exactly what it looks like. Which is, naturally, a... ehm... well... it kinda looks like..... ...... frankly, something completely unsuitable for young children. Or older children. Or anyone outside the gynaecological profession, for that matter. Seriously, I think this teddy bear should really get that looked at. It's just unnatural.

After 5 Beers And A Joint I'm Sure This Seemed Brilliant

I love the fact that I found this item for sale online. No, I'm lying; I looooooove the fact that I found this item for sale online. I absolutely adore the idea that some stoner (I can only assume) picked up their used and slightly sticky bottle of SoBe Lizard Lava drink, washed out the cigarette butts, and then spent hours transforming said bottle into what they have optimistically described as a "Red-Themed Hanging Vase With Buttons." And are trying to sell it now for $18.

Awww, bless.

But good luck with that, my hippie friend, and hopefully next time we'll see what you can do with a handful of patchoulie and half a grape Snapple.

Tuesday, 30 December 2008

Let's Call It Avant-Garde


If this androgynous face scratched into a slab of what appears to be cream cheese doesn't classify as fine art, then I don't know what does. Seriously, even Damien Hirst is looking at this, wondering what the current state of modern art has turned into, and shaking his head.
Although, to be fair, I have heard this face tastes great on Wheat Thins if you add some salsa highlights.

Okay, I Said I Was Sorry.

Man. I hate to do this to you, I really do. I know, I know, you just finished Christmas. I'm sure the last thing you really want to think about right now is more garlands and candy canes, and I'm sorry. But, I swear to you, I just came across these two pictures, and they were way too funny not to share with you.

This beauty was made for ... you guessed it.... an avid hunter. Mmmm... nothing says "happy holidays" quite like shooting wild animals, and nothing advocates killing our woodland friends quite like gluing a shotgun to a wreath. Note the attention to detail as well - such craftsmanship! But, don't let the curly ribbon pieces fool you; while they may look like harmless and jovially festive accents, of course they are not. No, this crafter dared not be so glib. If you look closely, you will notice that instead the wreath is covered with empty bullet cartridges, in various stages of disassemblage.
Heartwarming, no?

And this Christmas decor, which I've just noticed on closer inspection is built on top of a life preserver (?!) appears to be a tribute to the current economic situation, specifically the recent US bank bailout (?!). Yeah, I don't know either.

Money Can't Buy Class. Or, Evidently, A Nice Pair of Jeans.

For anyone who has ever wondered what a pair of $900 hand-painted jeans looks like, feast your eyes on these fancy pants:

Aaaand, the back:

They're so glamorous! And expensive! And non-washable! If you ask me, they're perfect down to the last detail; from the columns of unblinking eyeballs on the front to the grocery list of ex-boyfriends in puff-paint down the back, their beauty is in the details, my friends, their beauty is in the details.
And I love the way they were made to match a pair of high-heeled Crocs. Classy. In fact, $900 worth of classy.

Monday, 29 December 2008

I Don't Even Know Anymore

Oh, how I love ETSY. It has singlehandedly supplied me with a marvellously amusing mass of unparalleled material ripe for mockery, and hours upon hours of finger-pointing, head-scratching, and belly-laughing. Just the other day, for example, I came upon this little gem:

Okay, I know what you're thinking: "Who doesn't have a pair of pink ribbon-threaded foam ear cones somewhere in their closet?" But, I ask, have you ever seen such a nice pair of pink ribbon-threaded foam ear cones? I know that mine aren't nearly as classy as this pair, and at $30, these are such a bargain! I gotta say, I'm awfully tempted to get myself an early birthday present this year.

It Comes With a Matching Handbag

I'm having a hard time deciding what I like best about this elegant piece of outer-wear, as seen on the cover of the fall 2008 issue of "Crochet!" magazine:

Is it the bottom half, reconstructed from a pair of jeans I donated to the Salvation Army in 1992? Is it the top half, crocheted from only the finest poly-cotton blends available in colors that match acid wash? Or is it the freakin' gigantic target crocheted half way down the back to help guide cupid's arrow when I confess to him how much I adore this frankensteined homage to the early 90's? What I wouldn't give to be awesome enough to wear this ugly, ugly jacket.


Lord knows I love a good lolcat. I am all about them, all the time. I love the way they can't figure out basic spelling. I adore the way they never got the hang of grammar. I can't get enough of their capricious and often rakishly-angled little faces, looking up, asking if they can haz a cheezburger or buket or other such foolishness. So, I get it. I really do. What I don't get, though, is the desire to recreate a lolcat (the famous "long-cat," in this scenario) out of 20 feet of felt. Regardless of whether or not this plush cat was made in irony, or faux-hippyism, or as-previously-unseen levels of sheer rediculosity, the end product here is a surprised-looking stuffed tapeworm longer than their couch. And only a surprised-looking stuffed tapeworm longer than their couch. And yet, somehow, they seem so pleased.

Saturday, 27 December 2008

Maybe I'm Just Sensitive


Is it just me, or is there something oh-so-very wrong-seeming about this keychain? It's just that, well, I feel like a bad person even for posting it. I mean, just look at it. It seems to be so, so... wildly inappropriate. On, like, a blatantly obscene level. It's not just me, is it? I mean, c'mon.

Good Thing God Loves Irony

... then I'm thinking he might like a word with you. About that.

Wednesday, 24 December 2008

Ho, Ho, No

God, how I love this picture. It's not that this Santa is hilariously constructed, because he isn't especially, and I almost don't even mind the fact that he's made out of pipe cleaners. What I do love about this photo, though, is the expression of pure contempt on Santa's face and the way he looks like he's on the verge of slapping a punk upside the head with his lil' Christmas Tree of Fury.

I think this must officially be the ugliest ornament ever envisioned. While I realize this appears to be a wooden praying mantis contemplating how he'll consume the strange bowl-o-fluffiness resting beside him, you're going to just have to take my word for it that this superb effort is supposed to represent Santa and a reindeer. Is is Donner? Is it Vixen? Does it matter? Either way it's still a tangled mess of twigs, rubber barbed wire, and, by the look of it, ugly.

It's a well-painted Santa, granted, but it's also on a sea shell. For absolutely no apparent reason. And that confuses and scares me.

Good God. Either Santa needs to rethink his medication, or there's a deeper, more twisted side to the big man that has never before been made public.

I think the look on this little guy's face pretty much sums up this whole situation quite eloquently.

Tuesday, 23 December 2008

Maybe The Dime Is Just Huge

WHY, crafter, WHY?! What in the world could you possibly be trying to prove?! And to whom?! And what, in the name of all that is crafty, could you ever hope to gain from making these?! And what could you possibly be planning on doing with them?! Seriously; WHAT?! I NEED TO KNOW.

Do Them a Favor and Eat Their Heads First

One of the things I look the most forward to at Christmastime is the neverending sea of gingerbread. I find it delicious, wonderfully seasonal, and somehow a very comforting food. You can imagine how dismayed and slightly perturbed I was then, to come across these next two photos. Seriously, is nothing sacred anymore?

Maybe it's just me, but I think these cupcakes kinda look like charming little sugar-coated holiday vignettes depicting the age-old yuletide tale of the year the zombie snowmen of Christmases past came back to life to savagely annihilate the slightly dimwitted yet oh-so delicious inhabitants of Teddy Graham Land. Obviously, while that classic story is always great for entertaining the kiddies, it unfortunately also makes for some uniquely terrifying desserts.

I think I have to agree with the ornament on this one.

Chestnuts Roasting on a ...

This, my friends, is a home-made cardboard fireplace.
Yes, you read that correctly. It is a fireplace that you can make out of cardboard just in case your living room is lacking a certain je ne sais quoi. You know, for when you want to be all sophisticated-like and high-society-looking. Functional, it may not be, but hideous and highly flammable it sure is.

Sunday, 21 December 2008

Lightbulbs: Not Always a Bright Idea

As we hurl ever-closer towards the epicenter of the holiday season, I find myself racing to get all of my fabulously spectacular Christmas pictures posted. I don't know if I'll be able to forgive myself going into the new year if I'm not able to emphatically mock and publically ridicule everyone who deserves it. So check back often the next few days, as I'll be posting as fast as my wit will allow. Today's topic? Ornaments, natch!

What I know about this charming lil' Christmas tree ornament is that it was lovingly and painstakingly hand crafted by a baby's uncle in commemoration of his first Christmas. Yes, folks, this was not only made by an adult who is allowed to use a table saw, but his family supposedly considered it such a piece of art that they are planning on putting it aside as this kid's first real keepsake. Twigs and all. And although I can definitely appreciate the tremendous sacrifice this uncle made by giving up the functionality of his Trivial Pursuit board game, I also have a nagging suspicion that he might not have been using it all that much anyway. But who knows? Maybe next year this kid will get really lucky and be given a hand-carved wooden snowman with a tiny top hat, tiny battleship, and tiny bag of money hot-glued to it.

Just a quick note to whoever made these, thinking they were being all cute and creative and resourceful:

In life, there are ice cream cones, and then there are Christmas ornaments. In the same way that I do not wish to hang ice cream, nor their cones, on my Christmas tree, I also do not wish to bite into a sprinkle-coated ball of pain-flavored glass shards. Ever.

Saturday, 20 December 2008

Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree

Sometimes I find I have to sit back in amazement and just marvel at the sheer volume and breadth of the creative wonders eagerly spewed forth in honor of the holiday season. This happens to be one of those such times. After hours scouring the internets in the name of fugly, I've lovingly compiled this selection of Christmas trees comprised of only the most outstanding, most noteworthy, most innovative creations which have left me, well, hugely dumbfounded.

This festive tree was produced from a piece of Palm bark. And for the life of me I cannot figure out why. It's just.. so.. ugly. And it's fraying. And lord knows what that explosion of yellow on top is supposed to be. I mean, why not just use construction paper? Or felt scraps? Hell, half-eaten m&ms stapled to a finger-painted toilet roll would look more decadent than this mess. My fellow crafters, try to bear in mind at all times that just because you can doesn't always mean that you should.

Imagine this "candy tree" taken out of the context of Christmas and placed in one of your friend's houses on a side table. Or once it's half eaten, and has large bizarre bald spots filled only with empty candy wrappers and old glue. Truly, this looks more like a swarm of deformed ladybugs attacking one of those ever-elusive "table-top stalagmites" than a charming, cheery, Christmas-inspired tree of candy.

This, my friends, is called a 'Christmas button-tree', or, as I like to refer to it, a 'Questionably shaped waste of both buttons and time."

I swear to you this is not a joke. This tree really does exist, in the corner of somebody's honest-to-God living room, with potholders truly hanging off of it as ornaments, and a baby gate genuinely set up to protect it lest any misfortune prey on it's stunning boughs. And the owner of this magnificient creation was proud enough of their superior decorating skills to post this picture online as a benchmark for others. I promise I wouldn't kid about something this hilarious.

Friday, 19 December 2008

The Great Debate

I debated a good long while about whether or not to post this next picture, as I found it to have a fine number of good qualities along with its equally many bad ones. Ultimately, I decided to go ahead and post it, outline my thought process, and let you come to your own magnificent conclusions. So, please feel free to join me in going through my list of this lil' guy's pros and cons.

Pro: He seems to be well painted, and actually pretty well made overall.

Con: Is that supposed to be a wreath? Added with the Microsoft Paint 'spraypaint' tool circa 1998? Good god.

Pro: I like crafts that are inexpensive to make, and this seems to be an okay use of old flower pots.

Con: Forget about the wreath. What he really needs is a speech bubbles saying "Armz. I can haz dem?"

Pro: His moustache is symmetrical. Which is nice.

Con: He looks as if his goal in life is to pierce the very fabric of my soul with his unblinking, hypnotic gaze.

What do you think?

Keep it Simple, Stupid

Believe it or not, kind readers, I really do adore Christmas. I love everything about it, from the shiny glass baubles to the buttery mince pies to the endless supply of pine needles in my socks. I too understand the desire to then collect said baubles and other Christmas finery, and find ways to display them to maximize their glimmering potential. I remind you, though, in this season of gluttony and excess, that well, sometimes less is more. It's called MODERATION.

This exquisite compilation, for example, is currently sitting in someone's cubicle. In what I expect is a very cleverly disguised use of every fishing lure every created, this just looks, well, extraordinarily dangerous. And like it's reaching out to poke you in your eyeball when you haphazardly swivel in your swivel chair to reach for the file on your other desk containing the memo on workplace health and safety. In fact, I'm going to venture a guess that the green, round, moldy bits laying around its base are indeed a morose reminder of all the victims it has already claimed.

For some unknown reason, Christmas always seems to bring out the crazy in people. And the uncontrollable compulsion to hoard some seriously ugly piffle. And the impression that reconstructing obscure medieval Swiss villages in miniature across the length of one's living room floor is a fantastic and clever idea. Crafters, trust me on this one: try to restrict your OCD to counting toothpicks, and leave your credit card at home next time you visit Bob's Big House of Discounted Holiday Miniature Tat.

Kool-Aid for Kristmas

I just want to start this post out by saying that I love recycling. I really do. I think it's just the best ever. The way things can be melted down or, well, melted down to make the same thing all over again just blows me away. I also think it's neat how so many crafters have taken this sentiment on board and started reusing various materials in new and inspiring ways. In these dire economic times, I think it's important to take inspiration wherever it can be found, and I certainly applaud this next crafter for trying:

Unfortunately, words fail to describe the sheer amount of fugly this person has singlehandedly manufactured.

Reduce and Recycle freely, my friends, but please, Reuse with caution.

Thursday, 18 December 2008

Public Service Announcement

Today's Top Tip: Some grass clippings and a hot glue gun do not a holiday decoration make, regardless of whether or not you also have a pinecone.

Let's not forget about Hannukah, everybody

During this charming time of year, of Santas and Christmas trees and stockings and other pagan-originating Christianity-stolen paraphernalia constantly assaulting the sensibilities, it is easy to forget that not only does the world have other religions, but they do fun stuff too! Like have their own holidays! And celebrate their own traditions! And make equally strange and ugly crafts! As I am an equal-opportunity blogger, far be it for me to withhold this fine specimen of the Jewish faith, which I am told is supposed to look like a menorah:

Now, I am certainly no authority on the ancient and beautiful traditions of the Jewish faith, but seriously, I'm pretty sure menorahs aren't supposed to look like that. Granted, it is blue, but it's also held together with pipe cleaners and aluminum foil, sooo.... yeah.
I do understand that this is supposed to be a kid-friendly alternative to fire and all that, but I really don't think it's fair to blame this atrocity on children. First of all, it was made by an adult. Honest. Secondly, kids love fire! If you don't let them play with it, how will they ever horrifically burn themselves and learn to fear it? Lastly, if the whole point of making a menorah kid-friendly is simply to not have it result in a deadly molten fire-ball, all an adult has to do is not light their real menorah on fire while the 'chilluns are playing with it. Seriously, folks. You can always use your pipe-cleaner spirals on real candles, and save your clothes pegs and Kleenex boxes for some other terrifically misguided holiday contraption. Please.

Is it the Afghan?

This Cabbage Patch Kid really doesn't look very pleased about any of this, and frankly, neither am I.

Wednesday, 17 December 2008


As I'm sure you are all completely unaware, the holidays are almost here. Startling, I know. Christmas really seems to just creep up on us out of nowhere, completely unannounced. I sure wish some massive, capitalistic, mega-corporate conglomorates would have come out months ago with an overwhelming and seizure-inducing marathon of advertisements just to remind all of us that we desperately needed to start buying their stuff immediately. That sure wouldn't have been a jingle-filled depth of hell.

In the spirit of this holiday season, though, I've collected many of the most impressive Christmas crafts from around the internets, and I aim to share them with the world in the upcoming week. I know, I'm a giver.

Today I've decided to start with one of my favorite holiday decorations; the wreath. Symbolizing unity, longevity, and the unending love of the baby Jesus, the humble wreath is also easily personalized, and many crafters choose this medium to express what they are most thankful for in this most holy and joyous of times.

This wreath, for example, is entirely made of pill bottles. Dozens of pill bottles which once contained lots and lots of drugs. I can't personally think of a better way to immortalize and broadcast what brings the most cheer and joy to this crafter's life during the holidays. And just imagine how fun it must have been to make! What an inspiring message for us all.

Speaking of making a wreath from one's favorite things, why not take a cue from this crafter and make a wreath from all of your favorite things. Literally all of them. Every last one of them. A lesser crafter might say this wreath looks like it was regurgitated on by the Dollar Store after it drank too much at last year's holiday office party, but you and I know this is really a classy, and, above all, elegant display of everything you own.

If the "Pillbottle Fantasy" isn't quite your, ehm, wreath of choice, perhaps you can save up all your wine corks from the week and put together this magnificent creation. Show off your good cheer with pride! On public display on your front door, this wreath is sure to let all your neighbors know that your Christmas will undoubtedly be the merriest of all. Or at least the drunkenest. Obviously, it could go either way.

Crafting tip: feel free to use your wreath as a tribute to your favorite sports team, no matter how ugly their colors or how horrifically bad spray-painted pinecones look. Even though this is seriously one of the ugliest things I've ever seen, I do now know that this crafter really, really likes the Steelers. And if that isn't the true meaning of Christmas, I don't know what is.

Monday, 15 December 2008

Et Voila!

So here it is, the magnificent wonder of creative genius that so moved and inspired me into building a website in its very honour. Don't get me wrong, I had seen some home-made crafts go downhill before, and have seen even more since, but there was just something so very, extraordinarily, exquisitely special about this specific photograph. Behold, the awesomeness that is the physical incarnation of home-made hilarity:

Maybe it's the look of pride on the lady's face, as though she were about to hand you your very own home-made fuzzy green and orange christmas present. Maybe it's the fact that the fuzzy bits are actually wood chips that she painstakingly collected, dyed and then lovingly glued to the actual present. Probably, though, it's because this has actually been touted as a more eco-friendly and attractive alternative to gift-wrap on a page asking readers to send in their best photos of their own creative brilliance. Not only was this the best idea this lady had to offer the world, but she looks damn pleased with herself as well. Although in hindsight, as well she should be, considering she was able to inspire a whole new blog through her innovative yet unforgivably hideous box o' christmas splinters.

And with that, has been christened! While I go smash a cheap bottle of bubbly on its hull, feel free to call all of your friends and frantically scream at them about how awesome this site is. I won't blush.
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