I Think I Just Barfed A Little Bit In My Mouth.

I was curious, I admit, when I saw this fuzzy little thing in the "ceramic" section on ETSY.  Too curious.  Overly curious.  Regretfully curious.  Because this fuzzy little thing isn't a needle-felted white poo like I had suspected.  Oh no.  That would have been almost acceptable.  This fuzzy little thing is a, oh god I can't even think about it.  I just can't.  This makes my stomach feel itchy.  Fuck me.  It's a ceramic dog covered with glued-on dog hair.

That's right.  Some lady sculpted a "dog (?)" out of who the hell knows what, and then hot-glue-gunned her dog's hair all over it.   HER DOG'S HAIR.  And let's not forget the little red bow that really brings it all together.  Because nothing says "gluing your dog's hair all over an unfortunate ceramic object is perfectly normal and not at all deeply nauseating" like an adorable gingham bow.  Hurl.

Woolly Zombie Dog Will Win Your Staring Contest. Then Softly Eat You.

Julia is away again, on her covert mission to save third-world orphans from hideous crafts and Madonna.

She is being disconcertingly nice just recently anyway, and so until she makes an appointment for a new injection from Doctor Cruel's huge syringe-full of lime green snark, it falls on me, G. Henry, to humbly serve for another couple of days as your chief steward on the airline of risible handicrafts.

So buckle up and have your sick-bags handy. It might be a bumpy ride.

I promise to get away from crochet and canines next time, but I hope that your patience will not be overly taxed by one more visit to this menacing dual world. I offer you a slight diversion today, anyway; this is not dogs wearing crochet, it's dogs as crochet.

Here are some acceptable examples of the Japanese art of amigurumi, which translates, I guess, as 'making cute woodland and domestic creatures out of yards of yarn and stuff to annoy cynical b*stards who would like to deride them but have no justifiable excuse thereto':


I can't really say a bad word about them, can I? But they are not my cup of tea, to be honest, and I hanker for the days of the original but more callous art of live amigurumi, which, as it name might suggest, was more like origami: 'folding cute woodland and domestic creatures into the shape of a swan'.

This was more easily achieved, of course, if you actually had an actual swan to crease and manipulate, as long as it did not fiercely object and break your arm while you tried to perfect that tricky petal fold on its beak.

Here's another amigurumi penguin. I'm probably supposed to say 'adorable':

And this is a perfectly reasonable dog:


This, however, is a perfectly unreasonable dog:


Here it is again, in case you missed it:


What the hell is going on? And I use the word 'hell' advisedly. To be fair to the crafter, she/he does admit to its demonic shortcomings and declares that this 'crocheted amigurumi dog [...] turned out kinda zombieish looking ... it was really difficult for me because I can't read patterns, so I winged it'.

No kidding.

Despite this disarming (although wholly redundant) honesty, I have few qualms about pointing and laughing because a) it was wilfully and deliberately posted, without appropriate warning, where it can frighten small children, and b) because it has BUTTONS FOR EYES. And BUTTONS are never an acceptable shorthand for EYES. Well, not since that traumatic incident with the knitted bear and the cannibalized cardigan when I was three.

Speaking of small children, I'll finish with a couple of amigurumis (is that right?), which although technically correct are also technically creepy. I present the amigurumi foetus:

Now with added placenta:


Put the needles down, people, and back away slowly.

Yours,

G. Henry

Dear Sweet Merciful Jesus in Fancy Pants, This Is Just So Wrong

So I recently got an email from David D. alerting me to the full extent of Hello Kitty's horrific takeover of the modern world, specifically their hostile assimilation of the pet-clothing market, which I must admit I thought ended about ten years ago. I really had no idea. And, while these Hello Kitty pet accessories (including necklaces, collars, brushes, and the like) may not be homemade, they are definitely hilarious. Take this pet hood for example:


If that doesn't look like a massive stuffed animal puking up a mildly retarded dog head first then I don't know what does. I also fail to see the point of it, really. Is it a hat? Is it a helmet? Is it an homage to unnecessary jackassery? Inquiring minds want to know.

David D also sent me a link to this little gem, a company that just happens to sell bathing suits for dogs. Let me repeat that: this is a bathing suit... for a dog. A bathing suit. For your dog. A bikini, as a matter of fact. Because obviously, your yorkie has a massive pair of knockers s/he'd like to keep covered up while still being able to get a full-body tan while lounging by the pool with a mojito.


So then, after seeing that last picture, I thought to myself "Surely, dog bikinis don't really exist. Surely, this is the only one." Oh, how wrong I was. After a bit of research, I came across this next photo, which, if I recall correctly, elicited a gasp from me the likes of which have never been previously seen.
And trust me, this isn't a joke: I really couldn't come up with this kind of crazy.

Although, to be fair, this may very well be a prairie dog. Or a gopher, for that matter. It could quite possibly be a patriotic gopher bikini. With padded tits. God bless America.

Welcome to Lonelytown

Sometimes it's not the craft itself, or even it's craftsmanship, that is the most unfortunate thing. Sometimes the most unfortunate thing is imagining the craft being used. Julia's post on sanitary flannel springs to mind. A real L.L.Bean bloodbath, that one. Or this dog here:


I started conjuring an image of the person who would buy this in my head, and then I couldn't stop. He's an older man, divorced or maybe widowed. He loves dogs, but his tenacious lifelong allergies prevent him from owning one. He lives alone in the woods in Maine, subsisting on organic ham sandwiches which are delivered from the closest Whole Foods every week on Tuesday. On Wednesday and Friday his World War II magazines and "Over-50 Mensa Society Word-Jumble Puzzle" come in the mail. He goes out to the porch in the morning, sips his coffee and watches until the mailman arrives and puts the envelopes into his Golden Retriever Mailbox. He waits a minute more. "Go get the mail, boy!" Softly at first. "Go on boy, get the mail! Good boy!" Louder now, the mailman back in his truck and rumbling out of range. "Good boy! Who got the mail? Who got the mail and is a good boy?!" Then he walks slowly across the lawn to the mailbox, takes the envelopes out of his cavernous metal dog, and in their place leaves a single doggie treat.




Oh, BIRD. Right, I knew that. You didn't really need to label it for me, I know a bird when I see one. I should also probably mention that I do not have any eyeballs.