You Can't Blame Everything That Happened In The 70's On Drugs. Unfortunately.

Oh, for fuck's sake, people. You cannot just turn a planter upside-down and call it a hat. You just can't. You just can't.


Ed. note: Well, upon further reflection, I guess, technically, you actually can. But that doesn't mean that you should. In fact, you definitely shouldn't. Especially when it looks this tarded.

The Hitler of Hats (The Pighat of Hats, If You Will)

If we had to come to a decisive consensus, as a people, on what the most evil shoe is, I think we all know what it would be. High heel crocs, no brainer. Just as we react with innate fear and revulsion to darkness and snakes, a cultural genetic memory leads us inescapably towards the conclusion that high heel crocs are a shameful nadir in human civilization.

But what is the most evil hat? I would argue that it is the knitted cloche cap, and my proof is in the handmade pudding called etsy. KNITTED CLOCHES MAKE PEOPLE HATE THEIR LIVES. If you don't believe me just check out all these poor souls:

"I wonder what my high school boyfriend is doing now. Sigh, he's probably dead."

"Did I remember to turn the gas off before I left the house? Sigh, if my house blows up then at least I won't have to live in this town anymore."

"I wish I knew where my dog is. Sigh, he usually comes back home before bedtime and it's so lonely in the apartment without him."

"I just killed my neighbor's dog. Yeah, you heard me. I'm not sorry I did it, merely that I could not join him in escaping this meaningless flesh-parade we call life. "

"Where am I? Why do I feel so depressed? Did... did..."

"Did someone just put a knitted cloche on my head? What is on my head? Oh jesus, get it off me, get it off me."

I mean, is it even possible to find someone on Etsy wearing a knitted cloche and not looking utterly, shockingly miserable?

Oh good.

If you like living dangerously, take your Wellbutrin and head over to ishton.etsy.com or brickandwool.etsy.com for some of these handmade joy-killers.

This Post Could, Technically, Qualify As A Hat

I guess that this, techinically, qualifies as a hat, in the same way that a frisbee balanced on your forehead could, technically, qualify as a hat. Or a paper towel, draped accross your cranium could, technically, qualify as a hat. Or a bucket, worn a variety of ingenious ways could, technically, qualify as a hat. All the same, though, I am not willing to cede that any of those items would, technically, qualify as attractive. And, apparently, neither does a crocheted placemat. I mean, even the cat is all "WTF".

If This Wouldn't Make You Look Stupid, No Gelatinous Zooplankton Would

Lord knows I love a good jellyfish hat as much as the next person who loves a good jellyfish hat, but this, this is not a good jellyfish hat. In fact, this is quite a bad jellyfish hat. And I do not wish to wear it. Also, I would like to note as a matter of Cnidarian physiological accuracy, jellyfish do not have eyeballs. In fact, not even all of them have the proper ocelli within their hydrostatic skeleton with which to sense sunlight. So this hat is completely fucking misleading as far as I'm concerned.

Thanks to Jensy W for the tip!

A Step-By-Step Guide To Dressing Like An Asshole

Step one:

Et Finis.

Mysterious Jesus Face With Accompanying Hat Selection

Rarely do I come across a crapft so awe-inspiring, so unexplainable, so truly magnificent, I'm at a loss for words. Seriously, I'm having a hard time finding appropriate adjectives for this apparently God-approved item, as it wouldn't even technically qualify as a crapft if it weren't for the seller having needle-felted an assortment of hats purpose-built to highlight just how much the rock they found could look a bit like Jesus if held at the right angle in a certain light and squinting while drunk. I swear to you, I couldn't make this shit up. Oh, and the kicker? It costs $1,500.23 . Not just $1,500, but $1,500.23 . I have a feeling this person's in cahoots with the crafter that DOES NOT USE PATTERNS.


Here are some of the best excerpts from the seller's rather long description (though I highly suggest you check out the whole thing here):

"MYSTERIOUS JESUS FACE / COOL BLACK JESUS FACE / ALL RACES ALL COLORS JESUS FACE RARE LIGHTNING FULGURITE SPECIMEN FROM CO U.S.A.

"This Fulgurite has 3 holes going all the way through that totally resemble eyes and a mouth where the light shines through and it is rumored to look like Jesus's face. He also has a beard.

"There is a blow hole in the center of his forehead created by the lightning that does not go all the way through."

"I MADE HIM A COUPLE OF NEW HATS AND HE IS READY FOR A HOT NIGHT OUT ON THE TOWN!!! :o)

"I hand cut and sewed brown felt to make his Cool hat he is wearing now.
I hand cut and sewed Red Fleece to make his winter stocking cap using invisable hand stitching, used Johnson's Pure Cotton Rounds for the trim on the cap which I ironed on with Heat'n'Bond hem trim adhesive.

"IF YOU DO NOT THINK THIS LIGHTNING FULGURITE LOOKS LIKE JESUS'S FACE PLEASE CONTACT ME AND LET ME KNOW WHO YOU DO THINK HE LOOKS LIKE? IT SEEMS LIKE SOME PEOPLE CAN SEE THE FACE BUT SOME PEOPLE CAN'T OR MAYBE JUST DON'T WANT TO."

"This "Mysterious Jesus Face / Cool Black Jesus Face / All Races All Colors Jesus Face" rare Lightning Fulgurite is even amazing to stare at the pictures. If you stare at his picture you might go into some kind of a trance and even see a rainbow. :o)

"I am also charging slightly more for this Fulgurite because I will probably
never be able to find another one with a JESUS face like this one has. When I
first saw this fulgurite I said right away this is somebody's face!!! Then the
more I looked at it after I got home I knew it was Jesus's face and the light
came shining through.. So if I don't sell Mysterious JESUS Face I will keep
him!!!!"

So. Fucking. Good.

Knit For Her Pleasure

This, my gentle readers, is a hat. A perfectly normal, handmade woollen stocking hat. For your head. Yes, your head. Your head with ears. Because it's a hat.