COME ON

Now I'm not going to say that this Jesus light switch has an ill-placed light switch, but I will throw it out there that this Jesus light switch has an ill-placed light switch.

Seriously, this Jesus light switch has an ill-placed light switch.  It brings a whole new meaning to the term "glory hole".

I'm going straight to hell, aren't I.  I doubt I'll pass go, and I'm certainly not collecting $100.

We Have a Winner!!

Yes, I know everyone on here is a big loser, but "The Biggest Loser" was already taken. Go figure.  So we have a winner! The biggest winner!

And somebody actually guessed correctly what the fuck this glowing Jesus baby is all about: Msunflower! Because it's a glow-in-the-dark Baby Jesus Soap-on-a-rope.  Why you need your baby jesuses glowing, soapy and ropey is beyond me, but Msunflower guessed correctly.  So (s)he wins my undying love (I know, I'm easy).  So, uh, (s)he wins!  How the hell (s)he knew what it was, I have no idea. Maybe (s)he has one.  I suppose there's nothing like rubbing your nalgas down first thing in the morning wuth a glowing sudsy baby Jesus. Anyway, congrats!

BTW - if you're not following me on facebook yet, click the link in the right-hand-side bar, and it'll be taken care of.  Same for twatter.

PS: Fanboy Wife gets the runner-up for also guessing correctly, but guessing late. Sucks to be you.
PPS: My favourite answer was given by Haley.  So you also win.  Kinda.  You're a winner to me.

Seriously - What's Going On With All The Angry Jesuses?

And where would we be in this most festive of seasons, my kind and gentle readers, without the obligatory Angry Felt Tortilla Jesus?  Nowhere, I tell you.  Nowhere.

W.W.C.J.D? (What Would Crocheted Jesus Do?)

Continuing our countdown to Jesus' birthday, I bring you my favourite Jesus ever (EVER):

Yay! Happy crochet googley-eyed Jesus!  With less-than a nose (hah! see what I did there?) and a penchant for chocolate cake, evidently.  So what would crocheted Jesus do?  Give you a big chocolatey hug while simultaneously poking you with his eyeball, obviously.

Don't Get Jesus Angry. You Wouldn't Like Him When He's Angry. (NSFW)

So I've been holding onto various Jesus crapfts I've come across recently, just waiting for the right time to permanently ruin some retinas as well as my soul.  Given that this is the run-up to the Big Guy's birthday, I thought this would be the obvious time to share my goodies.  Now, before I start getting death-threats, I do want to point out that I'm only going to be cruely mocking the quality of said Jesus crapfts, not mocking your religion itself and everything you stand for and worship in life.  There's a difference.  That said, expect to see some spectacularly bad Jesus paraphanalia in the next couple days.  It'll be a Holiday Jesus Extravaganza!

This true masterpiece of modern art was painted by a guy named Vale (on ETSY), and although he doesn't seem to feel the need  to explain why his Jesus is packin' some serious wedding tackle but completely lacking in the nipple department, he fortunately does feel the need to share his, well, motivation.  And it's not crazy in the least :

"Inspired by my on suffering.
symbolicaly it represents my williness to suffer or even die before i give up in what i believe. Like a true revolutionary i would sacrifice myself in order to further a cause or personal freedom."

Ah yes.  You know, I've been telling people for years that this Vale character is a true revolutionary - a voice of my generation even.  He's really defining martyrdom, I say, one angry hulk Jesus peen at a time.  And at only $75, this historic piece of artwork is a steal!

What Would Juses Do?

Awwww, I know this is a kid's handiwork, which I normally wouldn't post, but I just couldn't resist the Juses. I couldn't help it. The Juses is amazing.

Mysterious Jesus Face With Accompanying Hat Selection

Rarely do I come across a crapft so awe-inspiring, so unexplainable, so truly magnificent, I'm at a loss for words. Seriously, I'm having a hard time finding appropriate adjectives for this apparently God-approved item, as it wouldn't even technically qualify as a crapft if it weren't for the seller having needle-felted an assortment of hats purpose-built to highlight just how much the rock they found could look a bit like Jesus if held at the right angle in a certain light and squinting while drunk. I swear to you, I couldn't make this shit up. Oh, and the kicker? It costs $1,500.23 . Not just $1,500, but $1,500.23 . I have a feeling this person's in cahoots with the crafter that DOES NOT USE PATTERNS.


Here are some of the best excerpts from the seller's rather long description (though I highly suggest you check out the whole thing here):

"MYSTERIOUS JESUS FACE / COOL BLACK JESUS FACE / ALL RACES ALL COLORS JESUS FACE RARE LIGHTNING FULGURITE SPECIMEN FROM CO U.S.A.

"This Fulgurite has 3 holes going all the way through that totally resemble eyes and a mouth where the light shines through and it is rumored to look like Jesus's face. He also has a beard.

"There is a blow hole in the center of his forehead created by the lightning that does not go all the way through."

"I MADE HIM A COUPLE OF NEW HATS AND HE IS READY FOR A HOT NIGHT OUT ON THE TOWN!!! :o)

"I hand cut and sewed brown felt to make his Cool hat he is wearing now.
I hand cut and sewed Red Fleece to make his winter stocking cap using invisable hand stitching, used Johnson's Pure Cotton Rounds for the trim on the cap which I ironed on with Heat'n'Bond hem trim adhesive.

"IF YOU DO NOT THINK THIS LIGHTNING FULGURITE LOOKS LIKE JESUS'S FACE PLEASE CONTACT ME AND LET ME KNOW WHO YOU DO THINK HE LOOKS LIKE? IT SEEMS LIKE SOME PEOPLE CAN SEE THE FACE BUT SOME PEOPLE CAN'T OR MAYBE JUST DON'T WANT TO."

"This "Mysterious Jesus Face / Cool Black Jesus Face / All Races All Colors Jesus Face" rare Lightning Fulgurite is even amazing to stare at the pictures. If you stare at his picture you might go into some kind of a trance and even see a rainbow. :o)

"I am also charging slightly more for this Fulgurite because I will probably
never be able to find another one with a JESUS face like this one has. When I
first saw this fulgurite I said right away this is somebody's face!!! Then the
more I looked at it after I got home I knew it was Jesus's face and the light
came shining through.. So if I don't sell Mysterious JESUS Face I will keep
him!!!!"

So. Fucking. Good.

Making Fun Of Jesus, One Crapft at a Time

Either the commonly-held conception of what "sin" looks like has changed significantly since the last Cultural Interpretations of Fictitious Religious Iconography meeting, or this specific crafter thought "Kick a Soccer Ball, Or Alternatively, Light a Soccer Ball on Fire And Throw it at Someone" didn't sound quite catchy enough, or obscure enough, for their stunning and inspirational illustrations.


Yes, those are Chef's hats. They're Chef's Hats For Jesus. And they're hilarious.

I've found Jesus!

It has come to my attention recently that Jesus has started making the rounds again, turning up unannounced (and looking slightly bedraggled. Let's be fair.) on an array of surprisingly gourmet foodstuffs. And apparently not just any food; no, not our Jesus. After extensive researching, I've noticed patterns in his preferences, and not surprisingly, he seems to prefer seafood and alcohol. I guess some things never change.

For example, he recently popped up on a half-eaten piece of shrimp (Fancy!):


As well as a delicious, delicious perogi (Extravagant!):


And he doesn't much seem to mind melting himself to an oyster, either (Not Allergic!):


Or helping himself to a nice bottle of hard cider (Classy!):


Or, perhaps most understandably, here he is enjoying a burnt-to-hell fish finger (Expensive!):



And prepare yourself, everyone... I, too, have also recently found Jesus on a food item! Now, you might have to squint a little bit to see him, but I think I found him on a pumpkin seed for sale at Etsy for $6! I know! It's a miracle!



Of course, to be honest, pumpkin-seed Nicole Kidman was also available for $7, so, uhm, there ya go.