How To Set Yourself Up For A Plea Of Insanity. One Step At A Time.

I'm going to take you on a journey today, folks. A journey into the deliciously magical, fantastically whimsical, and dangerously insane world of the freelance crapft tutorialist. These people exist in a strange, strange world wherein they believe that 1) they have talent, 2) their talent is so exceptional that it must be shared and 3) the sharing of said talent is going to be so difficult for mere mortals to understand that a step-by-step tutorial is an absolute necessity. Unfortunately, these crazies are wrong on all three counts. Especially the part about talent. And needing to share it.

For example, I recently came across this brilliant masterpiece of an artistic tutorial on CutOutAndKeep.net entitled, optimistically, Rock Frog. This work of sheer genius is so overwhelmingly clever, so startlingly well-crafted, you'll have to do your best to keep up. Especially at step 2. Which is why I've added my own commentary in red. Enjoy the excellence.

Rock Frog Tutorial

(You better believe this fronting picture sucked me in.)

Step 1

Paint the rock green (or any color your want your frog to be)

(If you're seeing a rock anywhere in this picture, let me know. All I'm seeing is a moldy squashed marshmallow in the foreground. Next to a green puddle. And a CD.)

Step 2

Cut the pipe cleaner in half and shap them into legs by bending the right end back then up at angle then down at an angle about an inch over and then bend at an angle forward and twist it back and then around the edge of the foot. Repeat to make the legs for the other side of the frog.

(Tip: Make sure to bend the legs at an angular angle before you bend them back and up at the upward angle before twisting them down and forward and back and back again after you angle them forward while bending them upward. Otherwise it might not work.)

Step 3

Glue the legs on to the bottom of the frog.

(Ehm. Yes. Attach mangled pipecleaners to painted rock. It should, at this point, look kind-of roughly like a miniature green poo with a fuzzy green hat. We're almost done.)

Step 4

Glue the eyes on the frog and draw on a mouth (and warts on the back if you would like) with the black marker and spray with clear acrylic paint and allow to dry (this was done before I put him outside, but the picture did not turn out).

(Wow. Just wow. Understatement of the year, there, Captain fucking obvious. Way to go.)



On a side note.... The winners of our "what the hell is this" competition have been finalized! While many of you were close, Carla was the closest with "horrifically deformed fertility doll," so she gets a gold star, as do Sarah and DH for coming up with the most creative answer: "some sort of jock cup that comes with matching underpants that you can button it into." Cause that's just hilarious. And needs to be invented. If you want to see the original listing, click here!

And for Carla, Sarah, and DH, go on peeps and claim your prize!:

Mysterious Jesus Face With Accompanying Hat Selection

Rarely do I come across a crapft so awe-inspiring, so unexplainable, so truly magnificent, I'm at a loss for words. Seriously, I'm having a hard time finding appropriate adjectives for this apparently God-approved item, as it wouldn't even technically qualify as a crapft if it weren't for the seller having needle-felted an assortment of hats purpose-built to highlight just how much the rock they found could look a bit like Jesus if held at the right angle in a certain light and squinting while drunk. I swear to you, I couldn't make this shit up. Oh, and the kicker? It costs $1,500.23 . Not just $1,500, but $1,500.23 . I have a feeling this person's in cahoots with the crafter that DOES NOT USE PATTERNS.


Here are some of the best excerpts from the seller's rather long description (though I highly suggest you check out the whole thing here):

"MYSTERIOUS JESUS FACE / COOL BLACK JESUS FACE / ALL RACES ALL COLORS JESUS FACE RARE LIGHTNING FULGURITE SPECIMEN FROM CO U.S.A.

"This Fulgurite has 3 holes going all the way through that totally resemble eyes and a mouth where the light shines through and it is rumored to look like Jesus's face. He also has a beard.

"There is a blow hole in the center of his forehead created by the lightning that does not go all the way through."

"I MADE HIM A COUPLE OF NEW HATS AND HE IS READY FOR A HOT NIGHT OUT ON THE TOWN!!! :o)

"I hand cut and sewed brown felt to make his Cool hat he is wearing now.
I hand cut and sewed Red Fleece to make his winter stocking cap using invisable hand stitching, used Johnson's Pure Cotton Rounds for the trim on the cap which I ironed on with Heat'n'Bond hem trim adhesive.

"IF YOU DO NOT THINK THIS LIGHTNING FULGURITE LOOKS LIKE JESUS'S FACE PLEASE CONTACT ME AND LET ME KNOW WHO YOU DO THINK HE LOOKS LIKE? IT SEEMS LIKE SOME PEOPLE CAN SEE THE FACE BUT SOME PEOPLE CAN'T OR MAYBE JUST DON'T WANT TO."

"This "Mysterious Jesus Face / Cool Black Jesus Face / All Races All Colors Jesus Face" rare Lightning Fulgurite is even amazing to stare at the pictures. If you stare at his picture you might go into some kind of a trance and even see a rainbow. :o)

"I am also charging slightly more for this Fulgurite because I will probably
never be able to find another one with a JESUS face like this one has. When I
first saw this fulgurite I said right away this is somebody's face!!! Then the
more I looked at it after I got home I knew it was Jesus's face and the light
came shining through.. So if I don't sell Mysterious JESUS Face I will keep
him!!!!"

So. Fucking. Good.