And The Angry Emails Start In 3......2........

And I present to you, my kind and gentle readers, the indomitable "Knitler":




Don't blame me. Blame the internets.

You Tell Me.

Is it ... is it a llama? Or, or is it maybe a cat? Or a giraffe? Or, well, ehm, what is this, exactly? Other than hideous, of course. That much is obvious. What is not obvious, though, is whether or not I'm currently making fun of a mentally-deficient individual. On one hand, this crafter was able to physically construct this item, take a picture of it, upload said picture onto their computer, and then post it on cutoutandkeep.net. On the other hand, look at it.

There's a fine line sometimes, folks.

Yeah. I Have No Idea Why The Hell Either.

As if, for a small child, the idea of a strange woman in costume sneaking into your bedroom in the middle of the night to steal your teeth, with no plausible explanation as to why, while you're sleeping, isn't scary enough. Behold, the tooth-fairy wall-hanging:


Just in case your lil'uns aren't terrified of the dark enough already.

Have run out of k y

So I found a cell phone by the road the other day. A cell phone with text messages. I bet you know where this is going. Brilliant.

Now, don't get me wrong: I called the number entitled "mom" and informed her I had her son's phone. And he's coming tomorrow to pick it up. Until then, though, his cell phone is all mine. Including his text messages. And this more than counts as a homemade hilarity. So here we go.

Starting with his oldest recieved texts firsts, let's read on, shall we? Enjoy! (btw... it's totally worth reading to the end. Strangely compelling stuff.)




+447...:She does want that stuff but told her her she had 2 drop money off 2 me first she fin work at 5.let u no.maney

SHARON: Sharons mate n accountant im gona meet her 2mox with ur bks 2 look at b4 i fil in form 2 c if anything else i can claim 4 etc. X

SHARON: If u avnt done dont 4 get coke from other nite

SHARON: What time u b at mine babe x

SHARON: Oh no what shal i do

SHARON: I no ur a boy

SHARON: Yep in the pool at midnight xx

SHARON: U better ul need ur stamina hun xxx

SHARON: Jack ere with charlie can i bring him over 4 swim n eat then drop him home when i bring chels over then just u me n chaz stay their tnite x

SHARON: Txt me when u leave then x

SHARON: Avnt got 1

This is a message to remind you of a dental appointment on 24/08/09

SHARON: Would u do me a favour n bring chals over at 7 n pick up charlie. N il come over at 11 n get chels a taxi in morning n we can do shed stuff etc.

SHARON: U owe me some drilling iv given u lots of favours x

SHARON: Im not jvst dropin conner off 4 £10 as she couldntget him there n asked me avnt got involved

SHARON: N aint u glad i am even if i am mad u stil love me xxx

SHARON: Bollocks u aint under arest babe. 2day with the pathetic ebbatson family that men u at least av more 2 live 4 2gether that them ay. Im gona give kids 40 each extra a year instead sad people xxx

SHARON: Av u got any fast stuff left i need a dab in knackered

SHARON: We need 2 cover pool that why its cold

SHARON: Shal i get 1 off

Colin: Hi mate. Head all over place. Would help me if i could give you rent tonight if ok.


SHARON: Melvin. I do want 2 talk 2 u thats why iv arranged 2 start seeing elizabeth at crossling asap when she has a space. U dont allow me 2 talk 2 u, u talk over me. Also u tell me constantly that u dont want us 2 come back their, then u say that we have a perfectly good house their, then u say u wont move in with me here, but ur not interested in finding somewhere 2gether either... How the fuck am i suposed 2 nowhat u want 2 do, it feels 2 me that all u wana do is come round 4 company, 2 c kids, av a cooked dinner n sex. N if u dont get sex u sulk tho u dont think that i feel like ur mum not ur wife when do u show affection etc. I love u nelv i always will but ur right i cant do this either im walkin on eggshalls not 2 upset u n cause a row but no matter what i do its always wrong or not enought 4 u.

SHARON:Uv made ur mind up Melv. U dont want me back u dont want 2 move with us. What other choice is their melv cos i dont c one do u. Unles u av another option please tell me what it is. other than whats happening now u just stayin here which u keep telling me ur sick of doing and as u said ur wasting ur time doing it. 4 gods sake i cant cunjour up a solution if u can please tell me if u can. I cant read ur fucking mind can i. As i c it u dont want 2 live with me where ever im living u want 2 stay at ur beloved norrington but i cant move bk with u either i cant win with these options can i.

SHARON: Ru watching the footbal film its realy good

SHARON: i sat watching u sleep last nite on setee u looked so sweet n vunnerable wanted 2 snuggle u up. I LOVE U SO MUCH... Well have 3 s's 2nite... steak, sex n more sex.. actualy we wont well av steak n make love !! Il c if ella wil av chaz 2nite 2 xxx

SHARON: I am hun what u doin 4 me then babe u aint just gettin in my knickers surprise me 2.. in a romantic dreamer dont 4get!!!

SHARON: Depends on ur surprise factor will get u all the way!!

SHARON: When u do/get something off ur own back that makes me go aagh n that shows u love me. Thought of me etc. Ask chels if u dont get it i aint spelin it out melv ur surposed 2 surprise me.

SHARON: Ok hun iv just gone upstairs me arse wont fit in them babe they r chelseas 8/10 il av a look in la senza 4 some like it xx

Theo: Are you intrested in painting a 3 bed house for clairglow?

SHARON: In case u need to no its 8 mirrors melv, thanx x

SHARON: Crotchless!

SHARON: I thought u liked the fishy smell...

SHARON: Wait n c

SHARON: We av come downstairs now

Ed: Fine mate. Misses just chewing my earhole - you know what its like!

SHARON: Yeah do u think kids will notice

Wendy: Hi melv,hav u heard frm matt yet bout the mirrors x

SHARON: So, chelsea have been hit with a transfer ban!that should solve our illegal immigrant problems for the time being!

SHARON: Me 2 till u av another drink i was avin a nice time n it just got ruined x

Colin: Get your hands off me.... you freak!

Theo: Oi cock do you want to do this painting need to know asap

Maggie: Lo m8 if u do wan ua hair dne mateys cumin at 7 jus got bk hospital my nerves av gne in me foot smart aye an jus bin stung by a wasp ha

Wendy: Chair wil take 12 wks! Cant order til end of october god knows why!

Fizz: Hows your balls?

Nod: Got some viags m8

SHARON: Call me xxx

Tim: Have run out of k y

Tim: Is that a variation of spit roast

Tim: Nonehere

Craig: So, patrick swayze and michael jackson are in heaven arguing over who gets to put baby in a corner!

SHARON: Ur tab is 27.50

SHARON: Yeah im fine thank u x

SHARON: Melv glad ur avin a great time babe had 2 get my sister 2 av ur son cos u couldnt be arsed 2nite while i went 2 work gota get up at 5. U told me 2 call u when i had changed dont expect 2 come round here 4 sex when it suits you.

SHARON: Ur the 1 textin me "cum 2 me" or was that 4 some1 else. Ur the 1 bein a nasty cunt melv, beleive it or not iv got a much bigger thing 2 worry about at the moment.

SHARON: Leave me alone please if u feel that way. Ur the selfish nasty 1 i just hope u dont av 2 go through ur mum/dad avin cancer im in bits n ur 2 far up ur own arse 2 notice...

ET FINIS

All I have to say is "crotchless!!" Go Melv go!

I know this was a bit of a lengthy one, but the long-term relationship built up between Melv and Sharon is fucking priceless. You can't make this stuff up.

And believe me, I've tried.

I'll let you know if I find out how this all ends. It's a freaking cliff-hanger if I've ever seen one.

How To Set Yourself Up For A Plea Of Insanity. One Step At A Time.

I'm going to take you on a journey today, folks. A journey into the deliciously magical, fantastically whimsical, and dangerously insane world of the freelance crapft tutorialist. These people exist in a strange, strange world wherein they believe that 1) they have talent, 2) their talent is so exceptional that it must be shared and 3) the sharing of said talent is going to be so difficult for mere mortals to understand that a step-by-step tutorial is an absolute necessity. Unfortunately, these crazies are wrong on all three counts. Especially the part about talent. And needing to share it.

For example, I recently came across this brilliant masterpiece of an artistic tutorial on CutOutAndKeep.net entitled, optimistically, Rock Frog. This work of sheer genius is so overwhelmingly clever, so startlingly well-crafted, you'll have to do your best to keep up. Especially at step 2. Which is why I've added my own commentary in red. Enjoy the excellence.

Rock Frog Tutorial

(You better believe this fronting picture sucked me in.)

Step 1

Paint the rock green (or any color your want your frog to be)

(If you're seeing a rock anywhere in this picture, let me know. All I'm seeing is a moldy squashed marshmallow in the foreground. Next to a green puddle. And a CD.)

Step 2

Cut the pipe cleaner in half and shap them into legs by bending the right end back then up at angle then down at an angle about an inch over and then bend at an angle forward and twist it back and then around the edge of the foot. Repeat to make the legs for the other side of the frog.

(Tip: Make sure to bend the legs at an angular angle before you bend them back and up at the upward angle before twisting them down and forward and back and back again after you angle them forward while bending them upward. Otherwise it might not work.)

Step 3

Glue the legs on to the bottom of the frog.

(Ehm. Yes. Attach mangled pipecleaners to painted rock. It should, at this point, look kind-of roughly like a miniature green poo with a fuzzy green hat. We're almost done.)

Step 4

Glue the eyes on the frog and draw on a mouth (and warts on the back if you would like) with the black marker and spray with clear acrylic paint and allow to dry (this was done before I put him outside, but the picture did not turn out).

(Wow. Just wow. Understatement of the year, there, Captain fucking obvious. Way to go.)



On a side note.... The winners of our "what the hell is this" competition have been finalized! While many of you were close, Carla was the closest with "horrifically deformed fertility doll," so she gets a gold star, as do Sarah and DH for coming up with the most creative answer: "some sort of jock cup that comes with matching underpants that you can button it into." Cause that's just hilarious. And needs to be invented. If you want to see the original listing, click here!

And for Carla, Sarah, and DH, go on peeps and claim your prize!:

It's Staring Straight Through My Soul. My Shriveled, Blackened Excuse For A Soul.

Oh good god. Very rarely in the course of this blog, and indeed life, do I come accross a crapft so extraordinary, so awe-inspiring, so truly exceptional that it renders itself reminicent of a full English breakfast wearing a suit. Or a badly crocheted Spongebob. With fangs. Yet here we have it, in all it's noodely-appendaged glory. And I hardly know what to do with it.


Thanks to Patricia Gasparino for the tip!
And believe me, look out for more items from this seller coming soon.