Thursday, 24 September 2009

Have run out of k y

So I found a cell phone by the road the other day. A cell phone with text messages. I bet you know where this is going. Brilliant.

Now, don't get me wrong: I called the number entitled "mom" and informed her I had her son's phone. And he's coming tomorrow to pick it up. Until then, though, his cell phone is all mine. Including his text messages. And this more than counts as a homemade hilarity. So here we go.

Starting with his oldest recieved texts firsts, let's read on, shall we? Enjoy! (btw... it's totally worth reading to the end. Strangely compelling stuff.)

+447...:She does want that stuff but told her her she had 2 drop money off 2 me first she fin work at 5.let u no.maney

SHARON: Sharons mate n accountant im gona meet her 2mox with ur bks 2 look at b4 i fil in form 2 c if anything else i can claim 4 etc. X

SHARON: If u avnt done dont 4 get coke from other nite

SHARON: What time u b at mine babe x

SHARON: Oh no what shal i do

SHARON: I no ur a boy

SHARON: Yep in the pool at midnight xx

SHARON: U better ul need ur stamina hun xxx

SHARON: Jack ere with charlie can i bring him over 4 swim n eat then drop him home when i bring chels over then just u me n chaz stay their tnite x

SHARON: Txt me when u leave then x

SHARON: Avnt got 1

This is a message to remind you of a dental appointment on 24/08/09

SHARON: Would u do me a favour n bring chals over at 7 n pick up charlie. N il come over at 11 n get chels a taxi in morning n we can do shed stuff etc.

SHARON: U owe me some drilling iv given u lots of favours x

SHARON: Im not jvst dropin conner off 4 £10 as she couldntget him there n asked me avnt got involved

SHARON: N aint u glad i am even if i am mad u stil love me xxx

SHARON: Bollocks u aint under arest babe. 2day with the pathetic ebbatson family that men u at least av more 2 live 4 2gether that them ay. Im gona give kids 40 each extra a year instead sad people xxx

SHARON: Av u got any fast stuff left i need a dab in knackered

SHARON: We need 2 cover pool that why its cold

SHARON: Shal i get 1 off

Colin: Hi mate. Head all over place. Would help me if i could give you rent tonight if ok.

SHARON: Melvin. I do want 2 talk 2 u thats why iv arranged 2 start seeing elizabeth at crossling asap when she has a space. U dont allow me 2 talk 2 u, u talk over me. Also u tell me constantly that u dont want us 2 come back their, then u say that we have a perfectly good house their, then u say u wont move in with me here, but ur not interested in finding somewhere 2gether either... How the fuck am i suposed 2 nowhat u want 2 do, it feels 2 me that all u wana do is come round 4 company, 2 c kids, av a cooked dinner n sex. N if u dont get sex u sulk tho u dont think that i feel like ur mum not ur wife when do u show affection etc. I love u nelv i always will but ur right i cant do this either im walkin on eggshalls not 2 upset u n cause a row but no matter what i do its always wrong or not enought 4 u.

SHARON:Uv made ur mind up Melv. U dont want me back u dont want 2 move with us. What other choice is their melv cos i dont c one do u. Unles u av another option please tell me what it is. other than whats happening now u just stayin here which u keep telling me ur sick of doing and as u said ur wasting ur time doing it. 4 gods sake i cant cunjour up a solution if u can please tell me if u can. I cant read ur fucking mind can i. As i c it u dont want 2 live with me where ever im living u want 2 stay at ur beloved norrington but i cant move bk with u either i cant win with these options can i.

SHARON: Ru watching the footbal film its realy good

SHARON: i sat watching u sleep last nite on setee u looked so sweet n vunnerable wanted 2 snuggle u up. I LOVE U SO MUCH... Well have 3 s's 2nite... steak, sex n more sex.. actualy we wont well av steak n make love !! Il c if ella wil av chaz 2nite 2 xxx

SHARON: I am hun what u doin 4 me then babe u aint just gettin in my knickers surprise me 2.. in a romantic dreamer dont 4get!!!

SHARON: Depends on ur surprise factor will get u all the way!!

SHARON: When u do/get something off ur own back that makes me go aagh n that shows u love me. Thought of me etc. Ask chels if u dont get it i aint spelin it out melv ur surposed 2 surprise me.

SHARON: Ok hun iv just gone upstairs me arse wont fit in them babe they r chelseas 8/10 il av a look in la senza 4 some like it xx

Theo: Are you intrested in painting a 3 bed house for clairglow?

SHARON: In case u need to no its 8 mirrors melv, thanx x

SHARON: Crotchless!

SHARON: I thought u liked the fishy smell...

SHARON: Wait n c

SHARON: We av come downstairs now

Ed: Fine mate. Misses just chewing my earhole - you know what its like!

SHARON: Yeah do u think kids will notice

Wendy: Hi melv,hav u heard frm matt yet bout the mirrors x

SHARON: So, chelsea have been hit with a transfer ban!that should solve our illegal immigrant problems for the time being!

SHARON: Me 2 till u av another drink i was avin a nice time n it just got ruined x

Colin: Get your hands off me.... you freak!

Theo: Oi cock do you want to do this painting need to know asap

Maggie: Lo m8 if u do wan ua hair dne mateys cumin at 7 jus got bk hospital my nerves av gne in me foot smart aye an jus bin stung by a wasp ha

Wendy: Chair wil take 12 wks! Cant order til end of october god knows why!

Fizz: Hows your balls?

Nod: Got some viags m8

SHARON: Call me xxx

Tim: Have run out of k y

Tim: Is that a variation of spit roast

Tim: Nonehere

Craig: So, patrick swayze and michael jackson are in heaven arguing over who gets to put baby in a corner!

SHARON: Ur tab is 27.50

SHARON: Yeah im fine thank u x

SHARON: Melv glad ur avin a great time babe had 2 get my sister 2 av ur son cos u couldnt be arsed 2nite while i went 2 work gota get up at 5. U told me 2 call u when i had changed dont expect 2 come round here 4 sex when it suits you.

SHARON: Ur the 1 textin me "cum 2 me" or was that 4 some1 else. Ur the 1 bein a nasty cunt melv, beleive it or not iv got a much bigger thing 2 worry about at the moment.

SHARON: Leave me alone please if u feel that way. Ur the selfish nasty 1 i just hope u dont av 2 go through ur mum/dad avin cancer im in bits n ur 2 far up ur own arse 2 notice...


All I have to say is "crotchless!!" Go Melv go!

I know this was a bit of a lengthy one, but the long-term relationship built up between Melv and Sharon is fucking priceless. You can't make this stuff up.

And believe me, I've tried.

I'll let you know if I find out how this all ends. It's a freaking cliff-hanger if I've ever seen one.


  1. Can you get me Craig's number? I need to find out the first part of that Patrick Swayze Michael Jackson joke.

  2. HiLaRiOuS! Great find - I just love eaves dropping.

  3. I have got to be getting old! That hurt my head trying to figure it all out. Do they make a "Texting 4 Dummies" book yet?

  4. Can't help it... I just want to bitchslap Sharon and tell her to leave Melv. Is that so wrong?

    It's almost like watching Eastenders or something.

  5. I had heard that in their native habitat and amongst themselves, people from the UK are somewhat foul mouthed, but really? Really?

    BTW, very funny. I wonder if Melv really 'lost' his phone?


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