Wednesday, 30 September 2009
And how would your opinion of the blue octopus ball be affected if I told you the only other option for your doll was something made out of The Joker's soiled handkerchiefs that looked like a hookah-style communal pantyliner?
Has your opinion of the first doll changed? Interesting. Thank you for participating in our octofocus group, we really appreciate your input.
Tuesday, 29 September 2009
Sewing your own pincushion is fun and easy. And I for one have always been in favor of printing cookbooks on paper made from flattened beef jerky and overstock fruit tape. That way you can nibble on the pages while you cook, as I have made clear in my many, many letters to Rachel Ray. For some reason she has yet to write back, but rest assured that I have sent my idea in to the patent office just in case she gets any ideas about her next cookbook being called "All About Jerky, All Upon Jerky, It's Jerky Time with Rachel Ray" without properly compensating me. But when it comes to the soda tab seamstress, the pop can provocateur, the seltzer sartorialist, where do these fashionable souls store their extra soda tabs? In the soda tab pouch, of course.
It's colorful, it's useful, and as a bonus it will give you a wee preview of the overwhelming public scorn you will face once you start wearing that soda tab chainmail bodice you've been working on!
Sunday, 27 September 2009
Just in case your lil'uns aren't terrified of the dark enough already.
Saturday, 26 September 2009
Thursday, 24 September 2009
Nature or nurture? Is the instinct to wrap yourself in ill-fitting denim sewn haphazardly to whatever you can sweep off the floor at the Ugly Tablecloth Factory up the hill passed down biologically? Or is it taught?
We have only begun to investigate this fascinating area of neurogenetics, but a recent study where one group of babies (control) was asked to point to the fabric pattern they liked best, and another group of babies (experimental) was asked to design a fashion line for Kohl's Department Store (if Avril Lavigne can do it...) points to there being a fashion-focus hardwired into part of the brain. The cerebral couturetex, if you will.
Now, don't get me wrong: I called the number entitled "mom" and informed her I had her son's phone. And he's coming tomorrow to pick it up. Until then, though, his cell phone is all mine. Including his text messages. And this more than counts as a homemade hilarity. So here we go.
Starting with his oldest recieved texts firsts, let's read on, shall we? Enjoy! (btw... it's totally worth reading to the end. Strangely compelling stuff.)
+447...:She does want that stuff but told her her she had 2 drop money off 2 me first she fin work at 5.let u no.maney
SHARON: Sharons mate n accountant im gona meet her 2mox with ur bks 2 look at b4 i fil in form 2 c if anything else i can claim 4 etc. X
SHARON: If u avnt done dont 4 get coke from other nite
SHARON: What time u b at mine babe x
SHARON: Oh no what shal i do
SHARON: I no ur a boy
SHARON: Yep in the pool at midnight xx
SHARON: U better ul need ur stamina hun xxx
SHARON: Jack ere with charlie can i bring him over 4 swim n eat then drop him home when i bring chels over then just u me n chaz stay their tnite x
SHARON: Txt me when u leave then x
SHARON: Avnt got 1
This is a message to remind you of a dental appointment on 24/08/09
SHARON: Would u do me a favour n bring chals over at 7 n pick up charlie. N il come over at 11 n get chels a taxi in morning n we can do shed stuff etc.
SHARON: U owe me some drilling iv given u lots of favours x
SHARON: Im not jvst dropin conner off 4 £10 as she couldntget him there n asked me avnt got involved
SHARON: N aint u glad i am even if i am mad u stil love me xxx
SHARON: Bollocks u aint under arest babe. 2day with the pathetic ebbatson family that men u at least av more 2 live 4 2gether that them ay. Im gona give kids 40 each extra a year instead sad people xxx
SHARON: Av u got any fast stuff left i need a dab in knackered
SHARON: We need 2 cover pool that why its cold
SHARON: Shal i get 1 off
Colin: Hi mate. Head all over place. Would help me if i could give you rent tonight if ok.
SHARON: Melvin. I do want 2 talk 2 u thats why iv arranged 2 start seeing elizabeth at crossling asap when she has a space. U dont allow me 2 talk 2 u, u talk over me. Also u tell me constantly that u dont want us 2 come back their, then u say that we have a perfectly good house their, then u say u wont move in with me here, but ur not interested in finding somewhere 2gether either... How the fuck am i suposed 2 nowhat u want 2 do, it feels 2 me that all u wana do is come round 4 company, 2 c kids, av a cooked dinner n sex. N if u dont get sex u sulk tho u dont think that i feel like ur mum not ur wife when do u show affection etc. I love u nelv i always will but ur right i cant do this either im walkin on eggshalls not 2 upset u n cause a row but no matter what i do its always wrong or not enought 4 u.
SHARON:Uv made ur mind up Melv. U dont want me back u dont want 2 move with us. What other choice is their melv cos i dont c one do u. Unles u av another option please tell me what it is. other than whats happening now u just stayin here which u keep telling me ur sick of doing and as u said ur wasting ur time doing it. 4 gods sake i cant cunjour up a solution if u can please tell me if u can. I cant read ur fucking mind can i. As i c it u dont want 2 live with me where ever im living u want 2 stay at ur beloved norrington but i cant move bk with u either i cant win with these options can i.
SHARON: Ru watching the footbal film its realy good
SHARON: i sat watching u sleep last nite on setee u looked so sweet n vunnerable wanted 2 snuggle u up. I LOVE U SO MUCH... Well have 3 s's 2nite... steak, sex n more sex.. actualy we wont well av steak n make love !! Il c if ella wil av chaz 2nite 2 xxx
SHARON: I am hun what u doin 4 me then babe u aint just gettin in my knickers surprise me 2.. in a romantic dreamer dont 4get!!!
SHARON: Depends on ur surprise factor will get u all the way!!
SHARON: When u do/get something off ur own back that makes me go aagh n that shows u love me. Thought of me etc. Ask chels if u dont get it i aint spelin it out melv ur surposed 2 surprise me.
SHARON: Ok hun iv just gone upstairs me arse wont fit in them babe they r chelseas 8/10 il av a look in la senza 4 some like it xx
Theo: Are you intrested in painting a 3 bed house for clairglow?
SHARON: In case u need to no its 8 mirrors melv, thanx x
SHARON: I thought u liked the fishy smell...
SHARON: Wait n c
SHARON: We av come downstairs now
Ed: Fine mate. Misses just chewing my earhole - you know what its like!
SHARON: Yeah do u think kids will notice
Wendy: Hi melv,hav u heard frm matt yet bout the mirrors x
SHARON: So, chelsea have been hit with a transfer ban!that should solve our illegal immigrant problems for the time being!
SHARON: Me 2 till u av another drink i was avin a nice time n it just got ruined x
Colin: Get your hands off me.... you freak!
Theo: Oi cock do you want to do this painting need to know asap
Maggie: Lo m8 if u do wan ua hair dne mateys cumin at 7 jus got bk hospital my nerves av gne in me foot smart aye an jus bin stung by a wasp ha
Wendy: Chair wil take 12 wks! Cant order til end of october god knows why!
Fizz: Hows your balls?
Nod: Got some viags m8
SHARON: Call me xxx
Tim: Have run out of k y
Tim: Is that a variation of spit roast
Craig: So, patrick swayze and michael jackson are in heaven arguing over who gets to put baby in a corner!
SHARON: Ur tab is 27.50
SHARON: Yeah im fine thank u x
SHARON: Melv glad ur avin a great time babe had 2 get my sister 2 av ur son cos u couldnt be arsed 2nite while i went 2 work gota get up at 5. U told me 2 call u when i had changed dont expect 2 come round here 4 sex when it suits you.
SHARON: Ur the 1 textin me "cum 2 me" or was that 4 some1 else. Ur the 1 bein a nasty cunt melv, beleive it or not iv got a much bigger thing 2 worry about at the moment.
SHARON: Leave me alone please if u feel that way. Ur the selfish nasty 1 i just hope u dont av 2 go through ur mum/dad avin cancer im in bits n ur 2 far up ur own arse 2 notice...
I know this was a bit of a lengthy one, but the long-term relationship built up between Melv and Sharon is fucking priceless. You can't make this stuff up.
And believe me, I've tried.
I'll let you know if I find out how this all ends. It's a freaking cliff-hanger if I've ever seen one.
Wednesday, 23 September 2009
but this is ridiculous! *rimshot*
This is what happens when you shop your contracts for heart-warming fairy tale happy endings out to the lowest bidder. Shoddy workmanship.
The happiest night of your life and all your conversations go the same way: "Prince Charming! Why hello, I don't think OH MY FEET OH HOLY MOTHER OF FEET we've been properly introduced, my name is Cinderella, and of course I'm a big fan JUST CUT THEM OFF AND END THIS TWISTED CARNIVAL OF SHARPNESS of your work with the kingdom and all. Shall we dance languidly beneath that shaft of moonlight I AM IN A UNIVERSE OF PAIN?"
Tuesday, 22 September 2009
Sunday, 20 September 2009
For those of you not in the UK, The Sun is a "newspaper" that focuses on "important" "news items" from around the nation in a "non-biased" and totally "cerebral manner" (read: a glorified English News Of The Weird that interviews the likes of the utterly unimportant and totally inconsequential like Katie Price and Peaches Geldof. Seriously, for your own sanity, please don't click the hotlinks. Save yourself, my tender Americans. Save yourselves.)
Anyway, I was perusing this most important of news sources yesterday, and unwittingly stumbled across the most bewildering of columns: A how-to for expensive home-made fashion. As I'm sure you are already well-aware, I am no fan of the idiotic tutorial, and to find this with the thrown-in high-class factor made me positively giddy with delight. And pointed laughter. But mostly delight.
So here we go - the step-by-step totorial to creating a Ben De Lisi - like shirt. Enjoy the crazy.
Food-splattered shirtDesigner version (on the left): £1,000 by Ben De Lisi
Sun version (on the right): FREE
You will need:
An old white shirt, a bit of net curtain, red wine, green pesto, tomato ketchup, make-up, glue, scissors.Step 1:
Cut the net curtain in circles and glue to shirt wrists.Step 2:
Splatter ketchup, pesto, wine and make-up on the shirt until it's dirty.Et finis
And you know what? I don't even know what to tell you. Take an old button-down and rub it with ketchup and baby vomit and suddely it's high fashion, I guess. Half of me is saying "wow, that's disgusting" and the other half is saying "finally, I have a use for all those shirts I've drunkenly puked on. Win."
Click here for more amazing fashion advice!! Thanks The Sun!
Thursday, 17 September 2009
Wednesday, 16 September 2009
I bet you thought I'd have a witty comment right here, huh? Nope, tricked you, don't you feel like a boob now. I actually want to shill for myself for just a second.
I am a huuuge MST3K and Rifftrax.com fan, and while I might be able to diet away the huuuge part, I can't deny my moist and tender feelings for sarcastic commentary over bad movies.
Well, Rifftrax.com has a section for fan-created iRiffs, and this is mine, over an old educational film about menstruation from the 70's:
If you enjoy my sarcastic commentary in text, try it in voice form won't you? You can pay 99 cents to download the 17 minute video (I get 50 cents of that, score!), or maybe you could just watch the free sample, then register an account and vote it "5 stars a subtle masterpiece of cinema", since it is.
Thanks! Hearts to y'all!
Tuesday, 15 September 2009
Edward Cullen shower curtain! I mean, he only watched Bella while she slept. He's going to watch you while you pee.* (That means he likes you more.)
*(Unless he is busy looking at his hair in your bathroom mirror.)
Monday, 14 September 2009
Q: What time is it?
A: Well it's half past wonky eyeball. We should probably get a move on, we have to be out the door by quarter to meltface.
Q: Time flies when you're OH GOD SOMEONE ATE A PICNIC BLANKET FULL OF FLIP-FLOPS AND THREW IT UP IN THE SHAPE OF AN OWL.
Saturday, 12 September 2009
Do you long for the uncomfortable sensation that is a cat silently watching you, planning exactly how many minutes after you die to wait before starting to eat your face? Sure, we all do. But how about if you could have all that, without having to change a litter box? Well now you can, thanks to handmade ceramic Katz (tm)! Guaranteed to exude a constant aura of silent murderous contempt at all times or your money back!
Friday, 11 September 2009
Dear God, Martha. Seriously. While this baby-stuffed lobster would be tasty, I'm sure, with some melted garlic butter and horseradish, it's still a lobster stuffed with live baby at the end of the day. Jesus Christ.
Thursday, 10 September 2009
Have we really dredged the bottom of the barrel in terms of things to make into dolls? I mean, okay, corn husks are a classic. Fine, tube socks are soft and they do make a quality monkey. Alright, even the occasional nylon stocking filled with sand will be allowed through. But wooden spoons and loofahs? I am drawing a line in the stocking-covered sand. No more, I say! I'm instituting a doll version of Obama's Put America to Work Plan, where spoon dolls are conscripted to stir soup, nylon and sock dolls have feet stuck up in their business, and rag dolls get attached to the nearest Swiffer, Master-Blaster style, and wiped across our national doorway lintels.
I mean, a spoon and a loofah? Can you come up with a worse material for a doll? Can you?
Oh, girlfriend no. You look like you have some major artistic ability going on there, so stop making dolls out of paper cups you dug out of the cafeteria's recycle bin and get thee to an art school posthaste.
Wednesday, 9 September 2009
But still, it works.
So, in the spirit of today's ban on all things feline, here's not a cat:
And this isn't a cat either:
They're just terribly inappropriate and badly made.
So take that, cats. I don't even need to post about you to have a good time. And what. Fucking cats. Ruining everything. Taking over our websites and intertubes and bases. Being all pompous and shit. Like they're better than us. Licking themselves all luxuriously-like and shit like they taste good. Well, I, for one, have had it with their de-humanizing antics! Down with cats, up with burned-wood hand-engraved crab-shaped toilet-seat lids/mohair-crocheted fake-baby multicolour fuzzy suits!
Tuesday, 8 September 2009
Monday, 7 September 2009
This picture was titled "frog in pong", which I guess is like a pond only instead of being made of water it's made of an old AOL free trial CD flipped upside down and covered in pebbles. All things being equal, I think I might prefer the 600 minutes of hissing CHHHHHHHZZZZZTT EEEOOOOEEEEOOOOO dial-up to having to look at that thing for even one minute.
Hopefully this is from the same person who posted the step-by-step tutorial on rock frogs. I would hate to think they got someone else hooked on this lifestyle. (Rock frogs are a known gateway crapft.)
For example, I recently came across this brilliant masterpiece of an artistic tutorial on CutOutAndKeep.net entitled, optimistically, Rock Frog. This work of sheer genius is so overwhelmingly clever, so startlingly well-crafted, you'll have to do your best to keep up. Especially at step 2. Which is why I've added my own commentary in red. Enjoy the excellence.
(You better believe this fronting picture sucked me in.)
(If you're seeing a rock anywhere in this picture, let me know. All I'm seeing is a moldy squashed marshmallow in the foreground. Next to a green puddle. And a CD.)
(Tip: Make sure to bend the legs at an angular angle before you bend them back and up at the upward angle before twisting them down and forward and back and back again after you angle them forward while bending them upward. Otherwise it might not work.)
(Ehm. Yes. Attach mangled pipecleaners to painted rock. It should, at this point, look kind-of roughly like a miniature green poo with a fuzzy green hat. We're almost done.)
(Wow. Just wow. Understatement of the year, there, Captain fucking obvious. Way to go.)
On a side note.... The winners of our "what the hell is this" competition have been finalized! While many of you were close, Carla was the closest with "horrifically deformed fertility doll," so she gets a gold star, as do Sarah and DH for coming up with the most creative answer: "some sort of jock cup that comes with matching underpants that you can button it into." Cause that's just hilarious. And needs to be invented. If you want to see the original listing, click here!
And for Carla, Sarah, and DH, go on peeps and claim your prize!:
Friday, 4 September 2009
"I don't know what the problem is, I put the chemical formula you gave me in the spoon and I cooked it up, but no meth came out... Amphetamines are so complicated! I'm going back to huffing."
(Actually that is the molecular formula for sugar, a spoonful of it, which is a pretty cute and geeky idea--too bad it makes you look like a crackhead from a distance.)
Thursday, 3 September 2009
In honor of lazyness, exhaustion, and all that is insane, today's post is a "What The Fuck Is This" competition. Soo... what the hell do you think this is? Post answers in the comments. The closest or funniest answer will get their weblink posted tomorrow or the next day! Good luck!
Thanks to Patty G for sending this in! (so, no, Patty, you do not get a guess. I know. Life's hard.)
Wednesday, 2 September 2009
Sinbad has a lot on his plate right now. He's battling a skeleton, he's lost in some sort of low-shrubbed skankforest, and he seems to have contracted a really nasty case of dysentary judging by how he's swimming in those pants. Bitch looks skinny as hell.
So I'm not going to give him more to worry about by making fun of the production values on this sculptural piece. Sure, his skeletal nemesis looks like it's made out of melting fluffernutter, but if you've ever seen the old Harryhausen stop-motion Sinbad and Argonauts movies, they don't look much less melty.
Tuesday, 1 September 2009
Most species of hermit vaginas have long soft abdomens which are protected from predators by the adaptation of carrying around a salvaged empty seashell into which the whole vagina can retract. Most frequently hermit vaginas utilize the shells of sea snails, marine gastropod mollusks. The tip of the hermit vagina's abdomen is adapted to clasp strongly onto the columella of the shell. As the hermit vagina grows in size, it has to find a larger shell and abandon the previous one.
There are about five hundred known species of hermit vagina in the world, most of which are aquatic and live in saltwater at depths ranging from shallow coral reefs and shorelines to deep sea bottoms. However in the tropics, a number of species are terrestrial, and some of these can grow to quite a large size, for example, Kirstie Alley's.
Do you know all the various group terms for animals? A murder of crows, a school of fish, a pride of lions? The group term for hermit vaginas is actually "a lilith fair of vaginas". This lilith fair has actually left the safety of their shells to transition to large ones, an elusive subject for photos to be sure!