octomessy

So, let's say you're an octopus. Subjunctively speaking, as an octopus, would you be upset to discover that people are making dolls of you that are 20% big blue balls and 80% collagen lips?



And how would your opinion of the blue octopus ball be affected if I told you the only other option for your doll was something made out of The Joker's soiled handkerchiefs that looked like a hookah-style communal pantyliner?



Has your opinion of the first doll changed? Interesting. Thank you for participating in our octofocus group, we really appreciate your input.

burp

As we all know, nothing is more appropriate than using a craft to store said craft's supplies. Martha Stewart supports using old sweaters to store your knitting supplies.



Sewing your own pincushion is fun and easy. And I for one have always been in favor of printing cookbooks on paper made from flattened beef jerky and overstock fruit tape. That way you can nibble on the pages while you cook, as I have made clear in my many, many letters to Rachel Ray. For some reason she has yet to write back, but rest assured that I have sent my idea in to the patent office just in case she gets any ideas about her next cookbook being called "All About Jerky, All Upon Jerky, It's Jerky Time with Rachel Ray" without properly compensating me. But when it comes to the soda tab seamstress, the pop can provocateur, the seltzer sartorialist, where do these fashionable souls store their extra soda tabs? In the soda tab pouch, of course.



It's colorful, it's useful, and as a bonus it will give you a wee preview of the overwhelming public scorn you will face once you start wearing that soda tab chainmail bodice you've been working on!

Yeah. I Have No Idea Why The Hell Either.

As if, for a small child, the idea of a strange woman in costume sneaking into your bedroom in the middle of the night to steal your teeth, with no plausible explanation as to why, while you're sleeping, isn't scary enough. Behold, the tooth-fairy wall-hanging:


Just in case your lil'uns aren't terrified of the dark enough already.

potato oh no

Here at Ho Hil Headquarters, we are certainly no strangers to potatoes. Julia and I are both proud descendants of the Potato Isle ("au gratin go brah"). I myself have been known to use mashed potatoes as a creamy dip for my french fries, and she is, well, she's about as ginger as you can get without being kidnapped by rogue sushi chefs and served as a garnish. Which is why it pains me to announce that as of now, I will be giving up my starchy past and going cold turkey (and cold cranberry sauce, and cold nothing else). Because the potatoes are sick and tired of us eating them, and they are opening their thousand eyes, and they are moving their slow thighs, and they are slouching towards the produce aisle (not to be confused with the Potato Isle) to start eating us back.

Someone call social services

Nature or nurture? Is the instinct to wrap yourself in ill-fitting denim sewn haphazardly to whatever you can sweep off the floor at the Ugly Tablecloth Factory up the hill passed down biologically? Or is it taught?

We have only begun to investigate this fascinating area of neurogenetics, but a recent study where one group of babies (control) was asked to point to the fabric pattern they liked best, and another group of babies (experimental) was asked to design a fashion line for Kohl's Department Store (if Avril Lavigne can do it...) points to there being a fashion-focus hardwired into part of the brain. The cerebral couturetex, if you will.

Have run out of k y

So I found a cell phone by the road the other day. A cell phone with text messages. I bet you know where this is going. Brilliant.

Now, don't get me wrong: I called the number entitled "mom" and informed her I had her son's phone. And he's coming tomorrow to pick it up. Until then, though, his cell phone is all mine. Including his text messages. And this more than counts as a homemade hilarity. So here we go.

Starting with his oldest recieved texts firsts, let's read on, shall we? Enjoy! (btw... it's totally worth reading to the end. Strangely compelling stuff.)




+447...:She does want that stuff but told her her she had 2 drop money off 2 me first she fin work at 5.let u no.maney

SHARON: Sharons mate n accountant im gona meet her 2mox with ur bks 2 look at b4 i fil in form 2 c if anything else i can claim 4 etc. X

SHARON: If u avnt done dont 4 get coke from other nite

SHARON: What time u b at mine babe x

SHARON: Oh no what shal i do

SHARON: I no ur a boy

SHARON: Yep in the pool at midnight xx

SHARON: U better ul need ur stamina hun xxx

SHARON: Jack ere with charlie can i bring him over 4 swim n eat then drop him home when i bring chels over then just u me n chaz stay their tnite x

SHARON: Txt me when u leave then x

SHARON: Avnt got 1

This is a message to remind you of a dental appointment on 24/08/09

SHARON: Would u do me a favour n bring chals over at 7 n pick up charlie. N il come over at 11 n get chels a taxi in morning n we can do shed stuff etc.

SHARON: U owe me some drilling iv given u lots of favours x

SHARON: Im not jvst dropin conner off 4 £10 as she couldntget him there n asked me avnt got involved

SHARON: N aint u glad i am even if i am mad u stil love me xxx

SHARON: Bollocks u aint under arest babe. 2day with the pathetic ebbatson family that men u at least av more 2 live 4 2gether that them ay. Im gona give kids 40 each extra a year instead sad people xxx

SHARON: Av u got any fast stuff left i need a dab in knackered

SHARON: We need 2 cover pool that why its cold

SHARON: Shal i get 1 off

Colin: Hi mate. Head all over place. Would help me if i could give you rent tonight if ok.


SHARON: Melvin. I do want 2 talk 2 u thats why iv arranged 2 start seeing elizabeth at crossling asap when she has a space. U dont allow me 2 talk 2 u, u talk over me. Also u tell me constantly that u dont want us 2 come back their, then u say that we have a perfectly good house their, then u say u wont move in with me here, but ur not interested in finding somewhere 2gether either... How the fuck am i suposed 2 nowhat u want 2 do, it feels 2 me that all u wana do is come round 4 company, 2 c kids, av a cooked dinner n sex. N if u dont get sex u sulk tho u dont think that i feel like ur mum not ur wife when do u show affection etc. I love u nelv i always will but ur right i cant do this either im walkin on eggshalls not 2 upset u n cause a row but no matter what i do its always wrong or not enought 4 u.

SHARON:Uv made ur mind up Melv. U dont want me back u dont want 2 move with us. What other choice is their melv cos i dont c one do u. Unles u av another option please tell me what it is. other than whats happening now u just stayin here which u keep telling me ur sick of doing and as u said ur wasting ur time doing it. 4 gods sake i cant cunjour up a solution if u can please tell me if u can. I cant read ur fucking mind can i. As i c it u dont want 2 live with me where ever im living u want 2 stay at ur beloved norrington but i cant move bk with u either i cant win with these options can i.

SHARON: Ru watching the footbal film its realy good

SHARON: i sat watching u sleep last nite on setee u looked so sweet n vunnerable wanted 2 snuggle u up. I LOVE U SO MUCH... Well have 3 s's 2nite... steak, sex n more sex.. actualy we wont well av steak n make love !! Il c if ella wil av chaz 2nite 2 xxx

SHARON: I am hun what u doin 4 me then babe u aint just gettin in my knickers surprise me 2.. in a romantic dreamer dont 4get!!!

SHARON: Depends on ur surprise factor will get u all the way!!

SHARON: When u do/get something off ur own back that makes me go aagh n that shows u love me. Thought of me etc. Ask chels if u dont get it i aint spelin it out melv ur surposed 2 surprise me.

SHARON: Ok hun iv just gone upstairs me arse wont fit in them babe they r chelseas 8/10 il av a look in la senza 4 some like it xx

Theo: Are you intrested in painting a 3 bed house for clairglow?

SHARON: In case u need to no its 8 mirrors melv, thanx x

SHARON: Crotchless!

SHARON: I thought u liked the fishy smell...

SHARON: Wait n c

SHARON: We av come downstairs now

Ed: Fine mate. Misses just chewing my earhole - you know what its like!

SHARON: Yeah do u think kids will notice

Wendy: Hi melv,hav u heard frm matt yet bout the mirrors x

SHARON: So, chelsea have been hit with a transfer ban!that should solve our illegal immigrant problems for the time being!

SHARON: Me 2 till u av another drink i was avin a nice time n it just got ruined x

Colin: Get your hands off me.... you freak!

Theo: Oi cock do you want to do this painting need to know asap

Maggie: Lo m8 if u do wan ua hair dne mateys cumin at 7 jus got bk hospital my nerves av gne in me foot smart aye an jus bin stung by a wasp ha

Wendy: Chair wil take 12 wks! Cant order til end of october god knows why!

Fizz: Hows your balls?

Nod: Got some viags m8

SHARON: Call me xxx

Tim: Have run out of k y

Tim: Is that a variation of spit roast

Tim: Nonehere

Craig: So, patrick swayze and michael jackson are in heaven arguing over who gets to put baby in a corner!

SHARON: Ur tab is 27.50

SHARON: Yeah im fine thank u x

SHARON: Melv glad ur avin a great time babe had 2 get my sister 2 av ur son cos u couldnt be arsed 2nite while i went 2 work gota get up at 5. U told me 2 call u when i had changed dont expect 2 come round here 4 sex when it suits you.

SHARON: Ur the 1 textin me "cum 2 me" or was that 4 some1 else. Ur the 1 bein a nasty cunt melv, beleive it or not iv got a much bigger thing 2 worry about at the moment.

SHARON: Leave me alone please if u feel that way. Ur the selfish nasty 1 i just hope u dont av 2 go through ur mum/dad avin cancer im in bits n ur 2 far up ur own arse 2 notice...

ET FINIS

All I have to say is "crotchless!!" Go Melv go!

I know this was a bit of a lengthy one, but the long-term relationship built up between Melv and Sharon is fucking priceless. You can't make this stuff up.

And believe me, I've tried.

I'll let you know if I find out how this all ends. It's a freaking cliff-hanger if I've ever seen one.

I've heard of Fractured Fairy Tales...

but this is ridiculous! *rimshot*

This is what happens when you shop your contracts for heart-warming fairy tale happy endings out to the lowest bidder. Shoddy workmanship.

The happiest night of your life and all your conversations go the same way: "Prince Charming! Why hello, I don't think OH MY FEET OH HOLY MOTHER OF FEET we've been properly introduced, my name is Cinderella, and of course I'm a big fan JUST CUT THEM OFF AND END THIS TWISTED CARNIVAL OF SHARPNESS of your work with the kingdom and all. Shall we dance languidly beneath that shaft of moonlight I AM IN A UNIVERSE OF PAIN?"

The Look On His Face Says It All. Srsly.

In the absence of a lengthy post today, I'm just going to post this redonculous tomfuckery.

Now discuss.

Dear God I Hope I Don't Get Sued.

So I don't mean to get on a fashion kick lately, but there's just so much of this shit, given that the new collections just rolled out. And by "it" I mean "hideous crap" and by "new collections" I mean "Major Fashion Houses that Should Know Better." And I just had to share this little gem I came across earlier today on TheSun.co.uk.

For those of you not in the UK, The Sun is a "newspaper" that focuses on "important" "news items" from around the nation in a "non-biased" and totally "cerebral manner" (read: a glorified English News Of The Weird that interviews the likes of the utterly unimportant and totally inconsequential like Katie Price and Peaches Geldof. Seriously, for your own sanity, please don't click the hotlinks. Save yourself, my tender Americans. Save yourselves.)

Anyway, I was perusing this most important of news sources yesterday, and unwittingly stumbled across the most bewildering of columns: A how-to for expensive home-made fashion. As I'm sure you are already well-aware, I am no fan of the idiotic tutorial, and to find this with the thrown-in high-class factor made me positively giddy with delight. And pointed laughter. But mostly delight.

So here we go - the step-by-step totorial to creating a Ben De Lisi - like shirt. Enjoy the crazy.

Food-splattered shirt

Designer version (on the left): £1,000 by Ben De Lisi

Sun version (on the right): FREE

You will need:

An old white shirt, a bit of net curtain, red wine, green pesto, tomato ketchup, make-up, glue, scissors.

Step 1:

Cut the net curtain in circles and glue to shirt wrists.

Step 2:

Splatter ketchup, pesto, wine and make-up on the shirt until it's dirty.

Et finis

And you know what? I don't even know what to tell you. Take an old button-down and rub it with ketchup and baby vomit and suddely it's high fashion, I guess. Half of me is saying "wow, that's disgusting" and the other half is saying "finally, I have a use for all those shirts I've drunkenly puked on. Win."

Click here for more amazing fashion advice!! Thanks The Sun!

And She Looks So Pleased With Herself Too.

Oh, homegirl, no. Just no. You cannot, and I repeat, cannot, cover up your cute lil' body with a series of multicolored knitted granny squares and a ruffle. Excuse me, two ruffles. You just can't. And I don't care if it cost $800. Because it looks like poo. Or at least like a 70's afghan. And you should know better. Because you're Cate fucking Blanchette.

JK gots to get paid, son

I bet you thought I'd have a witty comment right here, huh? Nope, tricked you, don't you feel like a boob now. I actually want to shill for myself for just a second.

I am a huuuge MST3K and Rifftrax.com fan, and while I might be able to diet away the huuuge part, I can't deny my moist and tender feelings for sarcastic commentary over bad movies.

Well, Rifftrax.com has a section for fan-created iRiffs, and this is mine, over an old educational film about menstruation from the 70's:
http://www.rifftrax.com/iriffs/hi-im-jk-and-is-my-iriff-lindas-film-menstruation

If you enjoy my sarcastic commentary in text, try it in voice form won't you? You can pay 99 cents to download the 17 minute video (I get 50 cents of that, score!), or maybe you could just watch the free sample, then register an account and vote it "5 stars a subtle masterpiece of cinema", since it is.

Thanks! Hearts to y'all!
JK

loledward

Hey, speaking of things which like to watch you with silent, murderous contempt...




Edward Cullen shower curtain! I mean, he only watched Bella while she slept. He's going to watch you while you pee.* (That means he likes you more.)




*(Unless he is busy looking at his hair in your bathroom mirror.)

whooo has the time

Q: What time is it?

A: Well it's half past wonky eyeball. We should probably get a move on, we have to be out the door by quarter to meltface.

Q: Time flies when you're OH GOD SOMEONE ATE A PICNIC BLANKET FULL OF FLIP-FLOPS AND THREW IT UP IN THE SHAPE OF AN OWL.

Looks like cats are back on the menu, boys

Do you long for the uncomfortable sensation that is a cat silently watching you, planning exactly how many minutes after you die to wait before starting to eat your face? Sure, we all do. But how about if you could have all that, without having to change a litter box? Well now you can, thanks to handmade ceramic Katz (tm)! Guaranteed to exude a constant aura of silent murderous contempt at all times or your money back!

Mrs. Stewart, You've Lost The Plot

Dear God, Martha. Seriously. While this baby-stuffed lobster would be tasty, I'm sure, with some melted garlic butter and horseradish, it's still a lobster stuffed with live baby at the end of the day. Jesus Christ.

Prima Loofahrina

Have we really dredged the bottom of the barrel in terms of things to make into dolls? I mean, okay, corn husks are a classic. Fine, tube socks are soft and they do make a quality monkey. Alright, even the occasional nylon stocking filled with sand will be allowed through. But wooden spoons and loofahs? I am drawing a line in the stocking-covered sand. No more, I say! I'm instituting a doll version of Obama's Put America to Work Plan, where spoon dolls are conscripted to stir soup, nylon and sock dolls have feet stuck up in their business, and rag dolls get attached to the nearest Swiffer, Master-Blaster style, and wiped across our national doorway lintels.

I mean, a spoon and a loofah? Can you come up with a worse material for a doll? Can you?



Oh, girlfriend no. You look like you have some major artistic ability going on there, so stop making dolls out of paper cups you dug out of the cafeteria's recycle bin and get thee to an art school posthaste.

Fuck Cats, Man.

So I just made a vow over at URLesque.com to not post anything about cats today. And they've linked to me in return. It seems like a fair trade. In a spiteful, childish, cat-hating kind of way.

But still, it works.

So, in the spirit of today's ban on all things feline, here's not a cat:

And this isn't a cat either:

They're just terribly inappropriate and badly made.

So take that, cats. I don't even need to post about you to have a good time. And what. Fucking cats. Ruining everything. Taking over our websites and intertubes and bases. Being all pompous and shit. Like they're better than us. Licking themselves all luxuriously-like and shit like they taste good. Well, I, for one, have had it with their de-humanizing antics! Down with cats, up with burned-wood hand-engraved crab-shaped toilet-seat lids/mohair-crocheted fake-baby multicolour fuzzy suits!

I heard they put mayo on their burgers too

This terrifying feline apparatus comes to us from Denmark, I believe. Hmm. Let me just open up my "Places Never to Visit" notebook and jot something down here real quick...

Frogspotting

Hey Julia I found one of those rock frogs you were talking about. In it's natural habitat.



This picture was titled "frog in pong", which I guess is like a pond only instead of being made of water it's made of an old AOL free trial CD flipped upside down and covered in pebbles. All things being equal, I think I might prefer the 600 minutes of hissing CHHHHHHHZZZZZTT EEEOOOOEEEEOOOOO dial-up to having to look at that thing for even one minute.

Hopefully this is from the same person who posted the step-by-step tutorial on rock frogs. I would hate to think they got someone else hooked on this lifestyle. (Rock frogs are a known gateway crapft.)

How To Set Yourself Up For A Plea Of Insanity. One Step At A Time.

I'm going to take you on a journey today, folks. A journey into the deliciously magical, fantastically whimsical, and dangerously insane world of the freelance crapft tutorialist. These people exist in a strange, strange world wherein they believe that 1) they have talent, 2) their talent is so exceptional that it must be shared and 3) the sharing of said talent is going to be so difficult for mere mortals to understand that a step-by-step tutorial is an absolute necessity. Unfortunately, these crazies are wrong on all three counts. Especially the part about talent. And needing to share it.

For example, I recently came across this brilliant masterpiece of an artistic tutorial on CutOutAndKeep.net entitled, optimistically, Rock Frog. This work of sheer genius is so overwhelmingly clever, so startlingly well-crafted, you'll have to do your best to keep up. Especially at step 2. Which is why I've added my own commentary in red. Enjoy the excellence.

Rock Frog Tutorial

(You better believe this fronting picture sucked me in.)

Step 1

Paint the rock green (or any color your want your frog to be)

(If you're seeing a rock anywhere in this picture, let me know. All I'm seeing is a moldy squashed marshmallow in the foreground. Next to a green puddle. And a CD.)

Step 2

Cut the pipe cleaner in half and shap them into legs by bending the right end back then up at angle then down at an angle about an inch over and then bend at an angle forward and twist it back and then around the edge of the foot. Repeat to make the legs for the other side of the frog.

(Tip: Make sure to bend the legs at an angular angle before you bend them back and up at the upward angle before twisting them down and forward and back and back again after you angle them forward while bending them upward. Otherwise it might not work.)

Step 3

Glue the legs on to the bottom of the frog.

(Ehm. Yes. Attach mangled pipecleaners to painted rock. It should, at this point, look kind-of roughly like a miniature green poo with a fuzzy green hat. We're almost done.)

Step 4

Glue the eyes on the frog and draw on a mouth (and warts on the back if you would like) with the black marker and spray with clear acrylic paint and allow to dry (this was done before I put him outside, but the picture did not turn out).

(Wow. Just wow. Understatement of the year, there, Captain fucking obvious. Way to go.)



On a side note.... The winners of our "what the hell is this" competition have been finalized! While many of you were close, Carla was the closest with "horrifically deformed fertility doll," so she gets a gold star, as do Sarah and DH for coming up with the most creative answer: "some sort of jock cup that comes with matching underpants that you can button it into." Cause that's just hilarious. And needs to be invented. If you want to see the original listing, click here!

And for Carla, Sarah, and DH, go on peeps and claim your prize!:

I watch too much Intervention

"I don't know what the problem is, I put the chemical formula you gave me in the spoon and I cooked it up, but no meth came out... Amphetamines are so complicated! I'm going back to huffing."

(Actually that is the molecular formula for sugar, a spoonful of it, which is a pretty cute and geeky idea--too bad it makes you look like a crackhead from a distance.)

You Wouldn't Believe It If I Told You

In honor of lazyness, exhaustion, and all that is insane, today's post is a "What The Fuck Is This" competition. Soo... what the hell do you think this is? Post answers in the comments. The closest or funniest answer will get their weblink posted tomorrow or the next day! Good luck!


Thanks to Patty G for sending this in! (so, no, Patty, you do not get a guess. I know. Life's hard.)

the 33rd voyage of sinbad

Sinbad has a lot on his plate right now. He's battling a skeleton, he's lost in some sort of low-shrubbed skankforest, and he seems to have contracted a really nasty case of dysentary judging by how he's swimming in those pants. Bitch looks skinny as hell.

So I'm not going to give him more to worry about by making fun of the production values on this sculptural piece. Sure, his skeletal nemesis looks like it's made out of melting fluffernutter, but if you've ever seen the old Harryhausen stop-motion Sinbad and Argonauts movies, they don't look much less melty.

Don't look at me

Hey, I'm not the one who quit my job so I could sell cards like this on Etsy full time, lady. Projection ain't just a class in film school no more, you dig?

A shy creature, ill suited for domestication

Most species of hermit vaginas have long soft abdomens which are protected from predators by the adaptation of carrying around a salvaged empty seashell into which the whole vagina can retract. Most frequently hermit vaginas utilize the shells of sea snails, marine gastropod mollusks. The tip of the hermit vagina's abdomen is adapted to clasp strongly onto the columella of the shell. As the hermit vagina grows in size, it has to find a larger shell and abandon the previous one.

There are about five hundred known species of hermit vagina in the world, most of which are aquatic and live in saltwater at depths ranging from shallow coral reefs and shorelines to deep sea bottoms. However in the tropics, a number of species are terrestrial, and some of these can grow to quite a large size, for example, Kirstie Alley's.



Do you know all the various group terms for animals? A murder of crows, a school of fish, a pride of lions? The group term for hermit vaginas is actually "a lilith fair of vaginas". This lilith fair has actually left the safety of their shells to transition to large ones, an elusive subject for photos to be sure!