If This Wouldn't Make You Look Stupid, No Gelatinous Zooplankton Would

Lord knows I love a good jellyfish hat as much as the next person who loves a good jellyfish hat, but this, this is not a good jellyfish hat. In fact, this is quite a bad jellyfish hat. And I do not wish to wear it. Also, I would like to note as a matter of Cnidarian physiological accuracy, jellyfish do not have eyeballs. In fact, not even all of them have the proper ocelli within their hydrostatic skeleton with which to sense sunlight. So this hat is completely fucking misleading as far as I'm concerned.

Thanks to Jensy W for the tip!

Please Stop Staring At Me Like That. I Can't Help You.

I must admit, this is the angriest piece of jewelery I've seen in a while. And I've seen some angry jewelery. He looks really, really pissed off, and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's his make-shit (it's a typo, but it works) bow-tie. Or possibly it's the fact that he's apparently rolled out of some kind of glittery fairy poo. Or maybe it's just because his eyes are bleeding. Any of those things, really, are reasonable excuses to pull a frown, I guess, but they're also equally reasonable excuses to not want to appropriate this specific item into a wardrobe. So it seems we're at an impasse.

I Bet You Wouldn't Have Guessed What This Is If I Hadn't Told You

I think I have found that the only thing I love more than a clay, $275, fervently unrecognizable, bong-shaped, patterned, handmade tea-set is a nonfunctional, clay, $275, fervently unrecognizable, bong-shaped, patterned, handmade tea-set. And here it is. For you.

At Least Now I Know What I'm Wearing To My Next Black-Tie Event

Oh. My. God. I think I found the end of the internet, and this is what it looks like:


It looks like a giant, camouflage bird sitting on a giant, camouflage lilypad, sitting on a giant, flesh-coloured visor. Which is equal parts hilarious and hideous, making it quite apt to represent the whole of the internets, really. Maybe I'll call it a LOL Cap. RLFLFMAO!!111

Just Because You Can Doesn't Always Mean That You Should

You know, I think that every idiot, at some point in their life, has had a desire to stick some toothpicks in a potato and called it a porcupine, much like the desire to stick black olives onto the ends of your fingers when no-one is looking just to see if they fit. To actually take said toothpicks, though, and create a massive varnished porcupine with uneven curly metal whiskers and shiny beaver teeth, and then, then, to attach the whole thing to a wooden plaque for displaying, well that there takes a special kind of genius.

They Say That Bulls Actually Can't See Colours. Nipples, Though, Are Clearly Visible.

Collection of beautiful antique glass tiles: $150

2 years of art school learning how to make things: $5,000

Traveling to Spain to gain inspiration: $7,500

Ending up with a mosaic of a nude lady bullfighting: Priceless (and awesome)

It's Hard To Know What To Say In Times Like This

You know, at first I saw this and thought "well, maybe if this were done well then it wouldn't be so heinous. Charming, even."

And then I looked at it again and realized that no, even if this were done well, it would still be pretty fucking bad.


Alright, my behbehs, I have three more awesome fucking sites (AFS's) for you. Let's start with

0 to 30 in 90 days: I think this site is about someone adopting 30 kids in 90 days or something. Or ninety kids in 30 days. or 3 kids in nine days times ten. or a really, really slow car. Or something. Either way, it's heartwarming and totally worth checking out.

Snark 'N Beans: This site is run by two adorable young ladies with a really funny streak. I teetered on even posting their link because they're so much funnier than I am and make me look bad. Even if they do leave spam comments ;)

ETCWTF: This appears to be another site aimed at exploiting the hilarious world of lame artists. If you like Homemade Hilarity, you'll love their site. For example:




You see what I mean.

Camo andBoobs, Together at Last!

Hey everyone! I'm gonna be gone for just a couple days, probably until Tuesday, so I'll just leave you with a boobie blanket in the meantime. Because, well, why the hell not. Enjoy.

The Nostrils Are Mesmerizing

I dunno man. I kinda feel like whoever does this for a living, well, shouldn't. It's just... it's just awful. I mean, it's really, really bad, and quite possibly not what this individual should be doing with their time. Or wood. Seriously, it looks like a tracing of an outline of a badly-drawn copy of a picture of a dude with massive nostrils, tooth-rot, and lip-liner, all burned into a chunk of 2x4. It's just not a good look, my friend, not a good look.

One Last Note About Swine Flu

Seriously. You might as well staple a maxi-pad to your chin, as that will be at least as effective as your homemade fabric-sewn surgical masks against air-borne diseases. And it'll look half as stupid. Seriously.

Let's let this be the end of it. Please.

Post Stupid

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the concept of Post Secret, the whole point of this craft form (and I mean "craft form" loosely, as no serious talent of any kind is ever involved) is to trade addresses with someone random, and then anonymously send them a postcard with a secret of yours on it. Which obviously usually leads to self-indulgent depressive teenage ramblings about finding oneself fat and unlovable and ugly, or, equally hilariously, it sometimes leads to this:

See, I'm just not sure this individual is really fooling anyone. Just because you tell people that you live in the woods doesn't actually mean that people can't find you at your house. That's because people don't generally live in the woods. Not without houses. So it's a touch, well, unbelievable. And you're probably in the phonebook.

It is quite possible, though, that people are consciously choosing not to visit your strange ass because you frequently insist that you live amongst the wolves, despite the blatantly obvious. Which isn't clever. It's just crazy.


Also, I'm very proud to announce that my number of followers has topped 100, and as promised, I'm going to share with everyone the links to the specific ten people that made it happen. I'll showcase a few each day until all ten are linked to.

The Wooly Mammoth : this is a very funny, very creative site which is, admittedly, written about crafting and cooking, two of my favourite pasttimes. And, if you dive into this site, I believe you'll come across some crocheted poo. So, you know, that's special.

Wine at Five : From what I gather, this site is written from the perspective of a doting mother, who can appreciate a good glass or two or five of cabernet. And, if you want to see the most adorable thing ever, check out this school project her son completed. Freaking adorable.

Life Is Wonderful : This has to be the most schitzophrenic website I've ever come accross. And yet, it seems to be incredibly popular. For example, here are the titles of the first 5 posts: It's Time To Get Your Auto A/C Compressor Ready For Summer; Knows And Practice Stress Reducing Techniques; Tactical Gear For All Your Hunting And Fishing Needs; How To Pick Good Produce Fruits and; Website Ranking And How To Get It.
Yeah, I don't know either.

I'll have another few links for you all tomorrow! Until then, I really do suggest checking these sites out, as they're each uniquely interesting and worthwhile.

An Open Letter

This is an open letter to anyone planning on getting married. Ever.

(Please excuse the all-caps. I am not yelling, I am just typing loudly.)

Dear unmarried peoples of the world:

CAMO IS NOT AN OPTION FOR YOUR WEDDING FINERY. AT LEAST, IT SHOULDN'T BE. IT IS INAPPROPRIATE. INAPPROPRIATE, I TELL YOU, UNLESS YOU PLAN ON HUNTING DOWN AND KILLING YOUR SPOUSE AT THE RECEPTION AND YOU DON'T WANT THEM TO SEE YOUR GARTER BELT COMING. IN WHICH CASE, YOU SHOULD ALSO CONSIDER RUBBING YOURSELF DOWN WITH THEIR URINE FIRST, WHICH WILL, I'M TOLD, MASK YOUR OWN ODOR LONG ENOUGH FOR YOU TO BE ABLE TO GET RIGHT UP BEHIND THEM SO YOU CAN GET A CLEAR SHOT. THAT IS THE ONLY SITUATION IN WHICH CAMOUFLAGE WEDDING ACCESSORIES ARE IN ANY WAY ACCEPTABLE. DO YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE THEY ARE HIDEOUS.

DESPITE WHATEVER THIS SITE MAY HAVE YOU BELIEVE.

Thanks for listening. It needed to be said.

Love always,
JuliaD

p.s.: shit-coloured roses probably aren't the best idea either, just so you know.

She'll Steal Your Soul and Then Steal Your Banana

Nobody has ever needed to own anything as much as I need to own this. Immediately.
I don't know if it's an alien, and I don't know if it's a doll, but I'm pretty sure it's a monkey. A monkey with a dress. And matching bloomers. And it looks like it can set something on fire just by looking at it. And that's awesome enough for me.

You Can Hear It Coming. It Sounds Like Techno.

So scientists have known for years that lying to Jesus causes cancer and that smoking weed can make a girl pregnant, but they have remained baffled about how people get The Gay. That is, of course, until now. After doing extensive research in the dense untamed jungles of Castro Street, I have recently discovered a previously-unknown species of crapft which I have aptly named The Fluffy Gay Rainbow Love Butterfly Of Equal Opportunities And Extensive Gayness, of the genus "latch-hook". And it is the gayest thing that has ever existed. Just glimpsing this amount of sheer gay in person will be enough to turn even the straightest army sergeant or catholic priest bi-curious, and if, in the off-chance that one of this butterfly's blown kisses finds your sweet lips while you're dreaming of Hugh Grant, you've got The Gay. It's that simple.

I've started a breeding program for this rare species at the nearby Joanne Fabrics, if anyone is interested.

Everybody Loves a Vagina

Although I suspect this might be pushing it.

He should really get that checked out.

Speaking of which:

... ... this isn't exactly the most romantic thing I've ever read. Although I'm glad to hear there is no rape between us. That's refreshing.


Don't forget - if you like my site, the easiest way to show your everlasting effection is through subscribing as a follower. And, as I only have ten more to go until I have 100 followers, the next ten people to subscribe will get a link from my site. An amazing offer, I know.

Dear Sweet Merciful Jesus in Fancy Pants, This Is Just So Wrong

So I recently got an email from David D. alerting me to the full extent of Hello Kitty's horrific takeover of the modern world, specifically their hostile assimilation of the pet-clothing market, which I must admit I thought ended about ten years ago. I really had no idea. And, while these Hello Kitty pet accessories (including necklaces, collars, brushes, and the like) may not be homemade, they are definitely hilarious. Take this pet hood for example:


If that doesn't look like a massive stuffed animal puking up a mildly retarded dog head first then I don't know what does. I also fail to see the point of it, really. Is it a hat? Is it a helmet? Is it an homage to unnecessary jackassery? Inquiring minds want to know.

David D also sent me a link to this little gem, a company that just happens to sell bathing suits for dogs. Let me repeat that: this is a bathing suit... for a dog. A bathing suit. For your dog. A bikini, as a matter of fact. Because obviously, your yorkie has a massive pair of knockers s/he'd like to keep covered up while still being able to get a full-body tan while lounging by the pool with a mojito.


So then, after seeing that last picture, I thought to myself "Surely, dog bikinis don't really exist. Surely, this is the only one." Oh, how wrong I was. After a bit of research, I came across this next photo, which, if I recall correctly, elicited a gasp from me the likes of which have never been previously seen.
And trust me, this isn't a joke: I really couldn't come up with this kind of crazy.

Although, to be fair, this may very well be a prairie dog. Or a gopher, for that matter. It could quite possibly be a patriotic gopher bikini. With padded tits. God bless America.

I Love Snuggling With Rod Stewart

Today's post goes out to my girl Heather, who apparently has an ever-lasting and totally serious crush on the sexy man-beast known as Rod Stewart. Or, as I like to refer to him, The Rod. And it isn't surprising given how, um, attractive he is. How obviously and clearly attractive he is.

Ooh, Rod, you saucy little elf. Peering over your ray-bans at me like that, giving me the shivering goosebumps with your best come-hither expression that you've no doubt spent hours perfecting in the mirror. Well played, The Rod, well played. You're not creepy at all.

You've never looked finer, Rod, never finer. Dear god how I hope this is his official portrait above his fire place. Because you just know he has a huge portrait of himself on his mantle. And this needs to be it.

I hear ya, piglet. I think it might have something to do with those winsome eyebrows, feathered mullet, and tiny legs. They get me every time.

Your Handy-Dandy Guide To Swine Flu Face-Suits

Alright folks, I think it's time we talk.

See, the thing is, you've lost it. You've all seriously lost it. I'm not quite sure what's happened, to be honest, but I blame Fox News. In the last week the entire world seems to have turned into a raving mob of idiotic fuckwits scared out of their pants that, god forbid, they might come down with a cold. Because, despite what the media would have you believe, the Swine Flu is just that. It's the fucking flu. It just sounds exciting because it's come from the wild untamed exotic paradise known as Mexico, and is made out to sound like it started when someone porked a pig, if you catch my drift. But fear not, my kind and gentle readers, you are more likely to die from a toaster explosion than the swine flu, so put your big girl panties back on and calm the hell down. And, to help you do just that, I've decided to provide you all with my guide to Swine-Flu fashions, to help you decide just how far you want to go with your fabric face-suits.

This is what to wear if you are performing surgery:

That is because it is a surgical mask. It is a mask used in surgery. Doctors wear them so they don't accidentally drool in an open wound or sneeze inside a kidney. They do not purify air. They are not magical. They do not afford you an air of appropriately-concernedness. They do not render you invisible to the plague. What they are is a paper napkin attached to your ears.


This is what to wear if you don't like dust:

That is because it is a dust mask. It masks you from dust. Which is only useful if you find yourself working in a construction site, or a demolition site, or a dust factory. And unfortunately, infectious diseases are not made of sawdust. Otherwise, these might have proven helpful.

This is what to wear if you actually want to avoid the Swine Flu, or the Avian Flu, or any other flu-of-the-month, really:

That is because this is the least-invasive apparatus available that will actually protect you from germs and viruses, and even then it will only protect you to a point. But, still, if you are truly concerned with getting sick, this is your only feasible option. Yes, you will look like a psychotic beekeeper for the rest of your life, but I think you will agree it is a small price to pay to keep from getting the sniffles.

This is what to wear if you want to look like a fucking idiot:

The only thing this face mask is good for is armed robbery. Bizarre Japanese school-girl armed robbery.

And this is what to wear if you've never heard of evolution:

You know what? If you think wearing a crocheted face-sleeve will protect you from the Swine Flu then you deserve to die from pig-related illnesses. It's called natural selection. And you're a fucking moron.

I May Be Vegetarian, But I Still Got A Roast

Today is roast day over at humorbloggers.com, and I got roasted! Here is what the ever-witty ettarose had to say about my oh-so-hilarious site:

"Hi all you crafty looking people. What, you are not crafty? Well I guess I would not want to be crafty around this one either. I am Ettarose from sanityonedge and I am here courtesy of Humorbloggers.com to roast your favorite locator of talentless people.

The Miss used to live in the states, so hah ha she found our crappy crafts first. Now she lives in England and is snobbier than ever, drinking tea with her pinkie finger extended discussing crafting with the Queen or some such shit, all the while finding only the funniest, ugliest crafts ever and then pointing out the obvious. Yes Julia, we can see Santa looks evil. Yes Julia, the Golden Girls do not go well with glitter.

I will say that with out her funny posts I never would have guessed most of the things here such as the $220 fail, or the $14.98 thing a ma bob. I also have a question of her? Why is she a cheap slut? Is SHE $14.98. Go check her on Entrecard, maybe you can buy her as cheap as she was. Oh and whomever is stealing her stuff. Please don’t. If any of us here at humorbloggers.com find out who you are, there will be hell to pay. We don’t take kindly to thieves, especially when you steal from family.

Julia does an awesome job with this blog and keeps us all entertained. Here is to many more years of crappy crafts and lots of laughs. Thank you Julia."

No, thank you, ettarose.

If you want to catch what I wrote about in my roast about the very funny Chica, click here to go to lady-sarcasm.blogspot.com to laugh at her with me. ;)

Yo Ho Ho And A Bottle Of Spray-Tan

I actually don't mind this. As all of my closest friends can tell you, I like my embroidered sailors bearded, handless, and with a killer pair of heels on. Work it out, peanut-sailor man, work it out.