Tuesday, 5 May 2009

Your Handy-Dandy Guide To Swine Flu Face-Suits

Alright folks, I think it's time we talk.

See, the thing is, you've lost it. You've all seriously lost it. I'm not quite sure what's happened, to be honest, but I blame Fox News. In the last week the entire world seems to have turned into a raving mob of idiotic fuckwits scared out of their pants that, god forbid, they might come down with a cold. Because, despite what the media would have you believe, the Swine Flu is just that. It's the fucking flu. It just sounds exciting because it's come from the wild untamed exotic paradise known as Mexico, and is made out to sound like it started when someone porked a pig, if you catch my drift. But fear not, my kind and gentle readers, you are more likely to die from a toaster explosion than the swine flu, so put your big girl panties back on and calm the hell down. And, to help you do just that, I've decided to provide you all with my guide to Swine-Flu fashions, to help you decide just how far you want to go with your fabric face-suits.

This is what to wear if you are performing surgery:

That is because it is a surgical mask. It is a mask used in surgery. Doctors wear them so they don't accidentally drool in an open wound or sneeze inside a kidney. They do not purify air. They are not magical. They do not afford you an air of appropriately-concernedness. They do not render you invisible to the plague. What they are is a paper napkin attached to your ears.

This is what to wear if you don't like dust:

That is because it is a dust mask. It masks you from dust. Which is only useful if you find yourself working in a construction site, or a demolition site, or a dust factory. And unfortunately, infectious diseases are not made of sawdust. Otherwise, these might have proven helpful.

This is what to wear if you actually want to avoid the Swine Flu, or the Avian Flu, or any other flu-of-the-month, really:

That is because this is the least-invasive apparatus available that will actually protect you from germs and viruses, and even then it will only protect you to a point. But, still, if you are truly concerned with getting sick, this is your only feasible option. Yes, you will look like a psychotic beekeeper for the rest of your life, but I think you will agree it is a small price to pay to keep from getting the sniffles.

This is what to wear if you want to look like a fucking idiot:

The only thing this face mask is good for is armed robbery. Bizarre Japanese school-girl armed robbery.

And this is what to wear if you've never heard of evolution:

You know what? If you think wearing a crocheted face-sleeve will protect you from the Swine Flu then you deserve to die from pig-related illnesses. It's called natural selection. And you're a fucking moron.


  1. I love this post...despite of my life long fear of exploding toasters:)

  2. OK. I'm taking off my balaclava now. You know. The one with the nose hole? Sheesh, that guy on the news said it make me look younger and would protect me from the flu.

    Nice post!

  3. How did you know I had taken off my big girl panties?

  4. I'll take one of those psychotic beekeeper masks, but only if it comes with a set of those super-fabulous Winnie the Pooh scrubs.

  5. OMG it's a face cozy. And thanks a lot J, now I'm deathly afeared of being mugged by a dang Harajuku Girl.

  6. @Raymond: Don't worry, you have a better chance of getting struck by lightening while winning the lottery than dying from an exploding toaster.

    @ReformingGeek: You can keep your balaclava on. They're kinda sexy.

    @Douglas: I keep a close eye on you. A very close eye.

    @Mama: I'm sure that can be worked out ;)

    @Heather: I do what I can, Heather, I do what I can.

  7. Heh. The last two ones were hilarious!

  8. Thank you, I fucking love it. I've been yelling at people to relax, it's just the gosh darned flu. If I could have afforded a ticket, I would have flown to a pig farm in Mexico.

  9. So I guess I can peel this piece of Baby Swiss off my face now? What??? You mean it's not working?!? It's all I HAD, OB. IT'S. (Sniff) ALL. (Cough) I. (choke) Had......

  10. I put the big girl panties over my head and never caught the flu..I think it worked. I'm leaving them there.

  11. It's knit. Not crochet. Just to clarify, of course.

  12. That oriental gal is wearing Face Panties. FACE PANTIES!!!!

    I wear a mask in public, but only to save others from my uncontrollable gleeking.... Or if the forest wants to burn my backyard, as it likes to do a few times a year...


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