Friday 17 April 2009

Mysterious Jesus Face With Accompanying Hat Selection

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Rarely do I come across a crapft so awe-inspiring, so unexplainable, so truly magnificent, I'm at a loss for words. Seriously, I'm having a hard time finding appropriate adjectives for this apparently God-approved item, as it wouldn't even technically qualify as a crapft if it weren't for the seller having needle-felted an assortment of hats purpose-built to highlight just how much the rock they found could look a bit like Jesus if held at the right angle in a certain light and squinting while drunk. I swear to you, I couldn't make this shit up. Oh, and the kicker? It costs $1,500.23 . Not just $1,500, but $1,500.23 . I have a feeling this person's in cahoots with the crafter that DOES NOT USE PATTERNS.


Here are some of the best excerpts from the seller's rather long description (though I highly suggest you check out the whole thing here):

"MYSTERIOUS JESUS FACE / COOL BLACK JESUS FACE / ALL RACES ALL COLORS JESUS FACE RARE LIGHTNING FULGURITE SPECIMEN FROM CO U.S.A.


"This Fulgurite has 3 holes going all the way through that totally resemble eyes and a mouth where the light shines through and it is rumored to look like Jesus's face. He also has a beard.

"There is a blow hole in the center of his forehead created by the lightning that does not go all the way through."

"I MADE HIM A COUPLE OF NEW HATS AND HE IS READY FOR A HOT NIGHT OUT ON THE TOWN!!! :o)
"I hand cut and sewed brown felt to make his Cool hat he is wearing now.
I hand cut and sewed Red Fleece to make his winter stocking cap using invisable hand stitching, used Johnson's Pure Cotton Rounds for the trim on the cap which I ironed on with Heat'n'Bond hem trim adhesive.

"IF YOU DO NOT THINK THIS LIGHTNING FULGURITE LOOKS LIKE JESUS'S FACE PLEASE CONTACT ME AND LET ME KNOW WHO YOU DO THINK HE LOOKS LIKE? IT SEEMS LIKE SOME PEOPLE CAN SEE THE FACE BUT SOME PEOPLE CAN'T OR MAYBE JUST DON'T WANT TO."


"This "Mysterious Jesus Face / Cool Black Jesus Face / All Races All Colors Jesus Face" rare Lightning Fulgurite is even amazing to stare at the pictures. If you stare at his picture you might go into some kind of a trance and even see a rainbow. :o)
"I am also charging slightly more for this Fulgurite because I will probably
never be able to find another one with a JESUS face like this one has. When I
first saw this fulgurite I said right away this is somebody's face!!! Then the
more I looked at it after I got home I knew it was Jesus's face and the light
came shining through.. So if I don't sell Mysterious JESUS Face I will keep
him!!!!"

So. Fucking. Good.

15 comments:

  1. Oh my freaking God... Sorry, was that blasphemous?

    Oh hell, I don't care. I never DID make out Jesus' face anyway.

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  2. But I thought Jesus was in the aunt Jemima pancake. Oh, wait. That was the Virgin Mary.

    Sheesh!

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  3. The Lord works in mysterious ways. Really shitty, mysterious ways.

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  4. I see it. Don't you guys? That looks exactly like a rock to me.

    What? Oh, It's supposed to look like Jesus? Nevermind, I don't see it. Those are some cool hats though.

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  5. Jesus, this sucks!

    Doesn't this crapfter know that Jesus doesn't DO nights on the town? He's a carpenter for God's sake. He's got to get up early. Besides, ain't no way in hell that Jesus would be cuttin' a rug in a brown felt pimp hat.

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  6. And another thing, I'm getting more of an Elephant Man vibe than a Jesus vibe. It's...oh...the lumpy shape...I guess.

    The Elephant Man *might* do nights on the town in a brown felt pimp hat.

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  7. While that hol(e)y rock is crap-tastic, I think the best part is the lame emoticons in the description.

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  8. Well, hell, anybody looks like Jesus with a felt hat on.

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  9. I like how just because of the color of the rock it's a "Black" or "All Races Jesus." This is just too much. It's like my brain can't properly form jokes because there are just too many to be made.

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  10. I have a sneaking suspicion that this rock will end up in the crack pipe that the seller obviously partakes from.....

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  11. That's just a rock, or should I say, "Jesus, that's a rock!"

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  12. I don't know about you guys but I have waited my whole life for a cool black Jesus.

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  13. ROFLMAO, did you ever think that the seller was doing a spin off on the CornFlake that sold on Ebay for some UN-Godly amount? Maybe the seller realizes that the FAR RIGHT, and I know the seller is FAR LEFT, I've been to a Veteran's Day Parade with her, wants to tweek those who find signs from above in everything from a piece of burnt toast to the pancake with the face of Madonna on it. I'm surprised she didn't price it up there with Van Gohs self portrait..lmao

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  14. I love the seller's sense of humor. It's obvious that she's poking fun at the "Jesus in a Cornflake" phenomena. And hey, she just might get her money, too -- you never can tell.

    It may not look like Jesus to me, but squint and you might see Loki, ha ha!

    The hats totally make the joke obvious. I love them all.

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