Wednesday, 18 March 2009

Leprechauns Make Me Swear-y

It is a little-known fact about me that, along with spiders and needles and one-eyed gypsies, I am terrified of leprechauns. I'm not totally sure why, but I think it has something to do with their corn-kernel teeth, generally unhygienic facial hair, and gleefully evil ways. They're miniature red-headed con men, running around picking pockets and speaking in cryptic rhyme, thinking themselves so freaking smart, and frankly, I'm sick of it. I'm absolutely done with their asinine fuckery, and I think, if I were to ever meet a leprechaun, I would want to punch it. That's all I'm saying.

But, as always, I am willing to keep an open mind about these scheisty little bastards, so in the spirit of St. Patrick's Day I've decided to take a closer look at the many different representations of these tiny gold-hoarding assholes.

Judging by this magnificent throw pillow, clearly my hatred and fear of leprechauns is completely unfounded. He's not terrifying at all. Not in the least.

This, obviously, is a leprechaun on a stick in a vase. Made just for all of your leprechaun-on-a-stick-in-a-vase needs. And I mean all of them! Every last one of your leprechaun-on-a-stick-in-a-vase needs.

Oh, you just know I had to have a crocheted leprechaun somewhere. A crocheted leprechaun with a green pompom nose and googly eyes and monkey ears. And you would be right.

I'm not sure if I agree with this specific leprechaun's message. Perhaps "Kiss me, I'm a burn victim" would be more apt. Or maybe "Kiss me, I'm an alien", or even "Kiss me, I don't have any ears, yet I do have a stove-pipe hat". Alternatively, it's quite possible that this is an accurate representation of the Irish people and they've managed to keep it a secret all this time. In which case, fair play to them.

Dear lord.
Irish blessings are freaking terrifying.
I had no idea.

It's a sad sign of the times when even the beloved Christmas NutCracker has to pick up a second job just to make ends meet. And, by the look of it, he isn't overjoyed either.

So there we have it, folks! Happy St. Patrick's Day! Go have a Guinness and party, but remember, don't craft drunk! And if you do, send me pictures ;)


  1. Oh sweet sassafrass, now I'll NEVER be able to sleep tonight. Leprechauns are waiting to steal my soooooooooooul.

  2. That first one is pretty scary and I can't bring myself to kiss "men" with hands that big.

    I have had many opportunities to scream today. Maybe I should not have read this before going to bed.


  3. Okay, these frightened me quite a lot. I might have nightmares tonight.

  4. The first one has a nutsack for a chin. The 'irish blessings' also have a ridiculously phallic look. Thanks for providing me with such imagery :)

  5. No WONDER you have Leprechaun fear. I think if I were an impressionable youngster, I'd be adding Leprechaun Fear to my already considerable Clown Fear.

    PS (Stumbled, because your narrative made me laugh out loud to myself and confuse my coworkers.) :)

  6. I like the fact that the Leprechaun in a vase has a stick going straight up his ass!

  7. Note that the leprechaun on a stick in a vase is so badly planned that it's too top-heavy for the vase even to stand up. Clearly for it to attain vertical status you would need a big planter with a brick in the bottom for ballast.

    And I'm pretty sure that the round-faced, happy bear-leprechaun-monkey thing that looks nothing like a leprechaun, while undoubtedly bringing its proud owner more than a modicum of the "luck o' the Oirish", is crafted from a large wicker coaster. One of those you put a saucepan or hot dish down upon. With two smaller coasters for ears.

  8. I too have had a bad experience with leprechauns. In fact, mine tried to kill me – on numerous occasions. You can read all about it here

  9. Why do "Irish Blessings" come from what appears to be moss-covered zombie peni with shawls and stovepipe hats?
    That IS terrifying. *shudders*


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