It Warms My Shriveled Black Heart

Ah, Valentine's Day. What an unbelievably awesome day it is! It's the one day a person is allowed to express any form of affection for their loved ones, the only day it's acceptable to dip your partner in dark chocolate, and, most importantly, it's the first day in the year Hallmark finally goes into the black. Truly, it is a magical and wondrous day, and in the name of all that is pink and tacky, I would like to share with you all some of my favorite V-day extravagances that I've come across in the last few days.


"Aww, hunny, You really didn't have to! You are just the sweetest man ever! I can't believe that you remembered I collect beanie babies. Aww, and he's holding a heart.... and look! It says something! You are just so thoughtful. Let me go get my glasses so I can read it, you sweet, sweet man...."


Between the crocheted bits, the knitted bits, the felt bits, the fake fur, the buttons, the wooden lips, the sequins, the braided strap, and the clashing colors, I just can't decide what I love most about this classic V-day look. It's like, while the bedazzled hearts say "Hey! I'm fun and wacky and someone should love me!", the understated fake fur trim says "But I'm also classy and elegant, and I'm above caring if I am alone and desperate on Valentine's day."


I believe this may be my favorite Valentines Day card, ever. In fact, this may be my favorite all-purpose greeting card, ever. I'm warning my friends and family now, you can probably expect this magnificient card for your birthday as well as Christmas, and possibly also for Easter.


Given this year's economic crisis, I do understand the desire to think, privately, "fuck roses". I understand the desire to save the $50 you would be spending on half a dozen of long-stemmed crimson blooms, and buy, I dunno, necessities like Ramen and Tang. Simultaneously, though, I think there must be a middle ground between gifting your beloved over-priced and overrated roses, and giving your special someone an old boot with dead flowers hot-glued to it. There just must be.

So that's it for this Valentines day, everyone. I hope this magnificent holiday treats you well, and you don't find yourself half naked, drunkenly whispering "I love you unconditionally" to a half empty bottle of Southern Comfort that you drew a face on with old lipstick somewhere around 4 am, inbetween pints of Ben and Jerrys and bouts of uncontrollable sobbing. Because trust me, it takes forever to get mascara stains out of carpeting.