Thursday, 5 February 2009

Everyone Stay Inside, And Try Not to Panic: We Might Get An Inch Of Snow

So I've been living in England for just under a year now, and a couple days ago we got the first snow I've seen out here. That, in and of itself, is not funny. What is terribly humorous, though, is the reaction of those in southern England who were thusly forced to deal with their few inches of snow. Granted, some areas of London got more than 6 inches, so I will not include them in my mockery of the English overall, but the area I live in only got about an inch, which evidently entitled everyone to blow off work, call off school, and to run around screaming that the sky is falling.

For a girl who grew up in Western MA and went to college in Wisconsin, this is pure foolishness. I had to walk 5 miles uphill to school in certifyable blizzards, damnit, and I had to like it. If it snowed 3 feet overnight and the roads weren't cleared enough to drive to work, you had better start shoveling because a little snow was no excuse for not showing up. In WI it regularly gets so cold and snowy that people's noses freeze and fall off while they're outside and then they have to wait until spring to be able to go out and find their lost nose in order to get it sewn back on by a doctor who hopefully hasn't lost more than a couple fingers during the last deep freeze. And yet these English pansies, in their balmy temperate climate, think the apocalype is nigh as soon as it snows a couple centimeters. Pish.

Anyway, in honor of this week's winter freaking wonderland, I've decided to gift you all with some snowman crafts I've been saving up. Enjoy.

Mmm. Brilliant use of old bike tires, there, buddy. It hardly even look like 3 broken, badly spray-painted, glued-together bicycles tires. Way to stay classy.

I'm pretty confident this is what terrifying looks like.

And this delicious-looking masterpiece is, I'm told, made out of cheese. Better yet, I can only assume that his glamorous accoutrements are made out Fruit-By-The-Foot, which is almost kind of actually awesome.

I'm told these are all cookies, but I have some serious doubts. I mean, the white ones look awfully suspicious. If you know what I mean. As in, there's a reason I threw this pic in with the 'snowmen' category. Don't make me spell it out for you.

And "greeting to the 5th power" to you, too, sir.

These dubiously-shaped stuffed messes are either the Ghosts of Snowmen Past, or the ever-elusive Zombie Snowmen in one of their quarterly stock-option conventions. From my experience, they can often-times look similar in pictures. If given the choice, though, I think I'd rather hang with snowmen ghosts; at least they don't usually try to eat your brains like a snow-cone.

Ah. Finally. Since completing the pill-bottle wreath, my pile of empty pill bottles has begun to grow high again, and I've been at a loss as to how to turn the fruits of my long-term drug abuse into a cute homemade craft I can give to my neighbors and friends. You know, something they'll cherish forever. Something that just shouts "SNOWMAN". Something made out of empty pill-bottles.

And that's about it for today, kiddies. And my apologies on my recent lack of posts. I swear I have a good reason, and as soon as I'm done editing the content, I'll post the URL and let you all see the secret project I've been working on the last few days. Feel free to use the comments to post your guess as to what I've been up to! MWAHAAHAAHAA!!!!


  1. I don't believe I've ever seen so many strange and/or terrifying snowmen gathered in one place before. (And I hope to never see some of them again!)

    You've just been tagged. Stop by my place to learn more....

  2. Considering where you mind went with the innocent cookies, I can only imagine what you're working on now! ;)
    This post had me cracking up!

  3. Those white squiggly cookies look ominous and extruded. I do not eat that which has been extruded.

    I'm pretty sure I got that snowman on a red background last year from my kid. You know, that Santa's Secret Workshop thing at the school so the kids can shop for the parents. At least it wasn't a blueberry pie candle.

  4. Those white cookies look like they are supposed to be a kind of traditional german cookie (my favorite kind). Those are badly made, a little too long and curvy because they are supposed to look like little croissants. But to me they didn't look that weird because I've made similar ones before.
    I love the cheese fruit roll-up snowman.


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