We Have a Winner!!

Yes, I know everyone on here is a big loser, but "The Biggest Loser" was already taken. Go figure.  So we have a winner! The biggest winner!

And somebody actually guessed correctly what the fuck this glowing Jesus baby is all about: Msunflower! Because it's a glow-in-the-dark Baby Jesus Soap-on-a-rope.  Why you need your baby jesuses glowing, soapy and ropey is beyond me, but Msunflower guessed correctly.  So (s)he wins my undying love (I know, I'm easy).  So, uh, (s)he wins!  How the hell (s)he knew what it was, I have no idea. Maybe (s)he has one.  I suppose there's nothing like rubbing your nalgas down first thing in the morning wuth a glowing sudsy baby Jesus. Anyway, congrats!

BTW - if you're not following me on facebook yet, click the link in the right-hand-side bar, and it'll be taken care of.  Same for twatter.

PS: Fanboy Wife gets the runner-up for also guessing correctly, but guessing late. Sucks to be you.
PPS: My favourite answer was given by Haley.  So you also win.  Kinda.  You're a winner to me.

Humpday Roundup

 Waaaay creepy reindeer at Unfinished Rambler







Bland cat puke with tub caulk at CraftFail




Dog asshole cover at Etsy WTF






Trailer-trash barbie at Craftastrophe




God-awful knitwear at What Not To Crochet

Lookit! How Cool Am I?!

So I'm finally making some changes around here, as you may have noticed.  I'm doing my darndest to make this site a bit more user-friendly and attractive, and I hope you approve!  There's still a lot more to come, but if there's anything you want to see specifically, just let me know in the comments.

Also, if you haven't ventured a guess yet in yesterday's "What The Hell Is This?" competition, you still gots time.

<3,
JuliaD

Another What The Hell Is This? Competition - Christmas Special

Alright folks: what the hell do you think this is?  And I need you to be specific. Because it's obviously glowing.  But what do you think it's for? I'll print the answer, along with the best guesses, tomorrow!

Seriously - What's Going On With All The Angry Jesuses?

And where would we be in this most festive of seasons, my kind and gentle readers, without the obligatory Angry Felt Tortilla Jesus?  Nowhere, I tell you.  Nowhere.

W.W.C.J.D? (What Would Crocheted Jesus Do?)

Continuing our countdown to Jesus' birthday, I bring you my favourite Jesus ever (EVER):

Yay! Happy crochet googley-eyed Jesus!  With less-than a nose (hah! see what I did there?) and a penchant for chocolate cake, evidently.  So what would crocheted Jesus do?  Give you a big chocolatey hug while simultaneously poking you with his eyeball, obviously.

Don't Get Jesus Angry. You Wouldn't Like Him When He's Angry. (NSFW)

So I've been holding onto various Jesus crapfts I've come across recently, just waiting for the right time to permanently ruin some retinas as well as my soul.  Given that this is the run-up to the Big Guy's birthday, I thought this would be the obvious time to share my goodies.  Now, before I start getting death-threats, I do want to point out that I'm only going to be cruely mocking the quality of said Jesus crapfts, not mocking your religion itself and everything you stand for and worship in life.  There's a difference.  That said, expect to see some spectacularly bad Jesus paraphanalia in the next couple days.  It'll be a Holiday Jesus Extravaganza!

This true masterpiece of modern art was painted by a guy named Vale (on ETSY), and although he doesn't seem to feel the need  to explain why his Jesus is packin' some serious wedding tackle but completely lacking in the nipple department, he fortunately does feel the need to share his, well, motivation.  And it's not crazy in the least :

"Inspired by my on suffering.
symbolicaly it represents my williness to suffer or even die before i give up in what i believe. Like a true revolutionary i would sacrifice myself in order to further a cause or personal freedom."

Ah yes.  You know, I've been telling people for years that this Vale character is a true revolutionary - a voice of my generation even.  He's really defining martyrdom, I say, one angry hulk Jesus peen at a time.  And at only $75, this historic piece of artwork is a steal!

You Got a Little Something... Right there... No... On Your Nose... No.. On the Right...

Aaaaaaand this was on the ETSY frontpage.  I give up.  They're just handing it to me at this point.

I Wish You an Angry Christmas and a Terribly Serious New Year

This?  Yeah, this scares the crap outta me.

It's Going to be a White Christmas After All! A White, Powdery, Possibly Illegal Christmas.

I have big news, everyone!  It's our birthday!  Believe it or not, Homemade Hilarity has been spewing vitriol, darkening doorways, and making crafters cry tears of spite for an entire year now.  What a wonderful achievement!  I feel like I've really done something to, you know, to like, better society and shit. So pass me a tall warm glass of Champale cause I'm gonna celebrate!

To help ring in a brand new holiday season, and to commemorate HH's milestone, I've compiled a simple guide to creating your very own elegant, classy, young-Hollywood-chic Christmas (brought to you by ETSY!).  You know, for when you want to feel like you're really living the high-life of all the Winehouses and Hiltons out there, but can't afford to splash out on real cocain and herpes, Homemade Hilarity is here to help.  Because we love you.

Rule 1: Don't bother buying a Christmas tree.  Seriously.  Just don't bother.  You'll only get tangled in the strings of lights in one of your nightly drunken stupors and wake up wrapped around a spruce with your pants round your knees and your jingle bells in an awkward situation.  Instead, just chop some springs off your neighbor's juniper, shove them into a toilet paper tube, and sprinkle some of your leftover crack dust over the whole mess and call it a day.  Otherwise, you could just buy this fine specimen from ETSY for $32.  Either way.

Rule 2: Buy lots of these "Silver Japanese Maple" (wink wink) ornaments.  And hang them EVERYWHERE.  Everywhere.  Because they're elegant.  And tooootally representative of your love for "Silver Japanese Maple" leaves.  Yes.  That's right.  Maple leaves.  Non-smokeable Maple leaves.

Rule 3: Dig out all of your used pipe cleaners (and I know you have lots of used pipe cleaners) and get to work.  With a lot of old pipe cleaners, and only a little bit of talent, you, too can create this beautiful, uh, thing.  This $7 thing.  Mouse ... I'm told it's a mouse. This lovely $7 mouse.

Rule 4:  Lastly, do whatever you can to get your hands on this season's Lindsay Lohan snowman figurine!  From the "snow" on her nose to her emaciated frame, this is sure to be a hit with all the deluded starlets this holiday season.  For only $65, this anorexic trippy-eyed treat should take pride-of-place on any cigarette-stained mantle or glass-topped coffee table.

Hope this guide will be of some help, all you crazy hipster kids out there.  Just, you know, enjoy Christmas responsibly.  Don't drink and drive and all that.  And lay off the wacky tobaccy.  And crack is whack.  And stay in school.  Hugs, not drugs, kids.

Also, feel free to send birthday presents!  We love birthday presents!  We also love posting birthday presents! Presents sent to us in the form of fun pictures! We love posting them with links back to the birthday present picture sender!  (not so subtle wink wink).

Humpday Roundup

So this week's Humpday Roundup is surprisingly short, due to the fact that most of the other crapft blogs have stopped updating (and one ripped off one of my posts, and I'm not going to promote that kind of narsty behavior), but on the flip side, this week's roundup has also gotten surprisingly NSFW.  And as we all know, one dirty crapft is equal to like, 10 normal crapfts.  So there we are.  Enjoy.



Naked crocheted doll from What Not To Crochet.  Zexy.




Strange vintage record coasters at EtsyWTF



The nastiest, most pornographic plush textile I have ever seen, at Craftastrophe.
Seriously - don't click this link if you're at work.  You probably won't get fired, but your boss will think you're into some kind of kinky freaky shit.  And that's just embarrassing.

Uh oh, Scooby, it's Professor Pickle!

We're on the case! Pam the Ulcer-colored Puff has been kidnapped. She's chained up in someone's backyard and it's up to us to find out who did it.


Look at the sadness in her wee little felt eyes. That sick bastard sent this photo to us with a demand for 14.95 in ransom money. That seems a little steep, I'm not sure Pam is worth that sort of scratch, so why don't we just ask around and see if anyone knows what's up.




Dishrag Danny says "Pam the Ulcer-colored Puff? That dang dumb broad is always gettin into trouble. Frig her an her crappin problems!" Dishrag Danny has a filthy mouth that probably harbors many unsavory bacteria, but he does tell us that Professor Pickle has been acting suspiciously. We go to Professor Pickle's Saggy Lair and confront him.


"Yes, I kidnapped her! I did it, alright?" Professor Pickle shouts haughtily as his pea soup suit sags majestically in the corner. "I needed the cash to buy myself a working nose. Have you seen this thing I'm rocking? I don't even know how my glasses stay on, it's an embarassment. All the other Professors look down their noses at me, and how can I respond? My life is a carnival of shame."

Case closed!

Ahem.

This is obviously a reconstruction of a, uhm, cat's ear.  Yeah, that's right, a cat's ear. Definitely a cat's ear. I don't know what you thought it was at first, but I'm telling you this is a big, hairy cat's ear.  For, you know, those times when you want to dress like a pussy.  Cat.  Pussy cat.

"Happy Santa Embryo with Candy Cane"

You just can't make this shit up:

"This little embryo is waiting for Santa with his Santa hat and candy cane.

He glows a little because I mixed glow in the dark clay with the flesh color."

Evidently, not only is this a happy santa embryo with candy cane, but it's a glowing happy santa embryo with candy cane.  My head asplodes.

Thanks ETSY!

Either/Or

You decide:

Crocheted mega-mushroom, or nerf football with polyp?

(God, how I want this to be a nerf.  I love those things. Even with cancerous tumors.)

Humpday Roundup

T-rex gloves from Kraftomatic



Flotsam from What Not to Crochet






Knitted power cord from EtsyWTF







Michael Jackson beaded amulet from Craftastrophe







Doll/blanket/doll blanket/blanket doll/monkey from CraftFail




BTW - if you're noticing that the list gets shorter every week, it's only because not all of the sites update regularly. Not because I'm slyly killing them off one by one. Although that's not a bad idea.

Also, if you haven't voted yet in the poll, please do so in the upper right-hand corner of this page. I want to know what you want to see!

The Best Use of $8 That I've Seen All Day.

For all you Sonic the Hedgehog fans out there, I hope you know what this is:


Because I have no freaking clue. What I do know, though, is that it is currently on sale at Etsy for $8, and it's supposed to be a Blue Sonic skull, obviously. Bargain!

Elegant Christmas Decor Defined.

This christmas, I want my snowmen bumpy,

Lumpy,
And made out of glue.
And evidently, my wish has been granted. Santa does exist.

Look at me! I'm gonna be popular!

So it's come to my attention recently that the crapft site(s) that really seem to be drawing a large crowd are the same crapft site(s) that encompass no discernable writing talent. Whatsoever. And ironically, these sites are the ones getting book deals. So I thought I could give it a try (ie: not being clever, or writing very much), seeing as it's much easier anyway, and see what happens. So here we go:Hah! It's a snowman ornament, and it's intentionally hideous! Hilarious!
And you can buy it here!


Now tell all your friends how funny I am so I can get popular!

Hangover Cures of the Gods

WWJOFT? (What Would Jesus Order For Take-Out?)



cutoutandkeep.net/projects/lolita-maternity-ish-top

Oh, and this one is still in the planning stage but I will be keeping an eye out for the finished product. Lolita maternity wear! What could possibly go wrong? (Besides 16 getting you 20, of course.) This modern world.... Lolitas having Lolitas... I tell you!



Leave suggestions for what Jesus would order for take-out in the comments! Lord fried rice? Twice risen pizza?

This Doesn't Look Silly. Not At All.

Evidently this nice lady is wearing a hand-knitted camo nose-warmer, but I just can't see it. It's as if her nose is just completely gone. Or hidden behind some bushes. Or gone hunting. Or something. I mean, if I were a deer, I would never in a million years see her nose coming. So I guess, in a sense, this is really a win.

Thanks again, ETSY!

Almost as Useful. Almost.

You know, I actually gotta hand it to this crapfter. Because you know what I always say: if you can't buy an iphone, drunkenly embroider one out of felt.

Humpday Roundup

Alright, folks. Another week, another crapft. Lap it in.


Turkey Coaster(or so I'm told): What Not to Crochet






Tiger Woods in lipstick: Craftastrophe






Hank the Clown: Etsy WTF





Flash Drive Cozy: Kraftomatic



Chicken Purse: What Not to Craft




Bird House/Church/Bordello: Craftfail

This Tomfuckery Must Cease

Sometimes, my fellow crapfters, things just don't go to plan. Or they do go to plan, and it just turns out your plan is shit. For example, what must have started out as an ingenious use for old baked potatoes/stale french loaf/massive golden turds quickly turned into, well, this. A permanent pencil holder homage to not knowing when to cut your losses. Thanks again, CutOutAndKeep.net!

eggs on you egg you on

Clearly a devious attempt by the powerful Egg Lobby to give you dreams where you nuzzle your face into a pile of fried eggs. That or this is Big Egg's new mascot, Eggy the Vaguely Silky Creature of Leisure.



At least he's better than their first choice, Goldy the Vaguely Lamé Creature of Leisure... hmm, I think I need some assistance telling what creature this is. If only there was some helpful information in pillow form...



Hey, thanks BIRD PILLOW! I remember you! I knew you existed for a reason.