We're on the case! Pam the Ulcer-colored Puff has been kidnapped. She's chained up in someone's backyard and it's up to us to find out who did it.
Look at the sadness in her wee little felt eyes. That sick bastard sent this photo to us with a demand for 14.95 in ransom money. That seems a little steep, I'm not sure Pam is worth that sort of scratch, so why don't we just ask around and see if anyone knows what's up.
Dishrag Danny says "Pam the Ulcer-colored Puff? That dang dumb broad is always gettin into trouble. Frig her an her crappin problems!" Dishrag Danny has a filthy mouth that probably harbors many unsavory bacteria, but he does tell us that Professor Pickle has been acting suspiciously. We go to Professor Pickle's Saggy Lair and confront him.
"Yes, I kidnapped her! I did it, alright?" Professor Pickle shouts haughtily as his pea soup suit sags majestically in the corner. "I needed the cash to buy myself a working nose. Have you seen this thing I'm rocking? I don't even know how my glasses stay on, it's an embarassment. All the other Professors look down their noses at me, and how can I respond? My life is a carnival of shame."
35 minutes ago