Julia is away again, on her covert mission to save third-world orphans from hideous crafts and Madonna.
She is being disconcertingly nice just recently anyway, and so until she makes an appointment for a new injection from Doctor Cruel's huge syringe-full of lime green snark, it falls on me,
G. Henry, to humbly serve for another couple of days as your chief steward on the airline of risible handicrafts.
So buckle up and have your sick-bags handy. It might be a bumpy ride.
I promise to get away from crochet and canines next time, but I hope that your patience will not be overly taxed by one more visit to this menacing dual world. I offer you a slight diversion today, anyway; this is not dogs wearing crochet, it's dogs
as crochet.
Here are some acceptable examples of the Japanese art of
amigurumi, which translates, I guess, as '
making cute woodland and domestic creatures out of yards of yarn and stuff to annoy cynical b*stards who would like to deride them but have no justifiable excuse thereto':
I can't really say a bad word about them, can I? But they are not my cup of tea, to be honest, and I hanker for the days of the original but more callous art of live amigurumi, which, as it name might suggest, was more like origami: '
folding cute woodland and domestic creatures into the shape of a swan'.
This was more easily achieved, of course, if you actually had an actual swan to crease and manipulate, as long as it did not fiercely object and break your arm while you tried to perfect that tricky petal fold on its beak.
Here's another amigurumi penguin. I'm probably supposed to say 'adorable':
And this is a perfectly reasonable dog:
This, however, is a perfectly
unreasonable dog:
Here it is again, in case you missed it:
What the
hell is going on? And I use the word 'hell' advisedly. To be fair to the crafter, she/he does admit to its demonic shortcomings and declares that this '
crocheted amigurumi dog [...
] turned out kinda zombieish looking ... it was really difficult for me because I can't read patterns, so I winged it'.
No kidding.
Despite this disarming (although wholly redundant) honesty, I have few qualms about pointing and laughing because a) it was wilfully and deliberately posted, without appropriate warning, where it can frighten small children, and b) because it has BUTTONS FOR EYES. And BUTTONS are
never an acceptable shorthand for EYES. Well, not since that traumatic incident with the knitted bear and the cannibalized cardigan when I was three.
Speaking of small children, I'll finish with a couple of amigurumis (is that right?), which although technically correct are also technically creepy. I present the amigurumi foetus:
Now with added placenta:
Put the needles down, people, and back away slowly.
Yours,
G. Henry
You say it's an adorable widdle giraffe. I say it's a nose-less llama with smallpox. Or maybe a tick infestation. Or possibly just lots of moles. Crying blood.
There's something about a furry black crocheted jellyfish giving me bedroom eyes that I find absolutely hilarious.
Wow guys. Just wow. I had no idea just how many bizarre chrocheted manifestations of Sponge Bob existed in the crafting underworld of the magical internet tubez. Evidently, there are at least two. And this is one of them. And it scares the holy fuck out of me.
Oh good god. Very rarely in the course of this blog, and indeed life, do I come accross a crapft so extraordinary, so awe-inspiring, so truly exceptional that it renders itself reminicent of a full English breakfast wearing a suit. Or a badly crocheted Spongebob. With fangs. Yet here we have it, in all it's noodely-appendaged glory. And I hardly know what to do with it.
And this is a perfectly reasonable dog:
Now with added placenta:
If this isn't the awesomest book about knitted and crocheted slippers ever written, I seriously need to reassess my official position on books written about knitted and crocheted slippers. I mean, just look at it - we appear to have the Jolly Green Giant's leisure footwear at the top, followed by what can only be described as the lovechild between a 1950's style mop-head and an albino Muppet softly sucking on a lady's feet. Those two styles, though, they obviously pale in comparison to the simply magnificent Himalayan Smurf crocheted shinguards/yodeling sock combo. Lordy, those are amazing. I think I need a pair of them immediately, for all of my various knitted shin guard/yodeling sock needs.
This is a knitted plate of knitted scrambled eggs. Why, I couldn't tell you. 
They're knitted 'healthy sandwiches'. And I have no freaking clue what you're supposed to do with them. Keep them on a table in the living room and every once in a while humorously pick one up and pretend to eat it and go "Om num num" before you fall into a fit of pre-pubescent-esque giggling? Offer one to a friend after you tell them that you made lunch and then laugh heartily at your own heretofore unrecognized hilariousness? Just look at them in disdain while you wish they were real sandwiches? I wish I knew. I wish I knew.
What is it, you ask? It's a crocheted dollop. A freaking crocheted dollop with a crocheted minty sprig. A dollop of what, I have absolutely no clue. Is it a dollop of asanine? A dollop of bat-shit crazy? A dollop of you-need-to-get-a-job-immediately? Personally, I think it is a dollop of Mildly-Retarded. And I don't agree with its point of view.
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