Life Is So Hard Sometimes.

I keep going between these two lovely face-warmers, trying to decide which one I'm going to make for my niece for Christmas. On the one hand, the top picture apparently has a set of knit fingers protruding from the forehead, integrated deep-set wrinkles, and could be trying to slowly digest the child underneath.

On the other hand, the bottom picture is just about the most amazing thing I've ever seen, what with the blue lips/nose combo, the yellow yarmulke with attached fringe, and the copious tufts of ear-hair complete with shiny pink bows.

What to do. What to do.

Dear God I Hope I Don't Get Sued.

So I don't mean to get on a fashion kick lately, but there's just so much of this shit, given that the new collections just rolled out. And by "it" I mean "hideous crap" and by "new collections" I mean "Major Fashion Houses that Should Know Better." And I just had to share this little gem I came across earlier today on TheSun.co.uk.

For those of you not in the UK, The Sun is a "newspaper" that focuses on "important" "news items" from around the nation in a "non-biased" and totally "cerebral manner" (read: a glorified English News Of The Weird that interviews the likes of the utterly unimportant and totally inconsequential like Katie Price and Peaches Geldof. Seriously, for your own sanity, please don't click the hotlinks. Save yourself, my tender Americans. Save yourselves.)

Anyway, I was perusing this most important of news sources yesterday, and unwittingly stumbled across the most bewildering of columns: A how-to for expensive home-made fashion. As I'm sure you are already well-aware, I am no fan of the idiotic tutorial, and to find this with the thrown-in high-class factor made me positively giddy with delight. And pointed laughter. But mostly delight.

So here we go - the step-by-step totorial to creating a Ben De Lisi - like shirt. Enjoy the crazy.

Food-splattered shirt

Designer version (on the left): £1,000 by Ben De Lisi

Sun version (on the right): FREE

You will need:

An old white shirt, a bit of net curtain, red wine, green pesto, tomato ketchup, make-up, glue, scissors.

Step 1:

Cut the net curtain in circles and glue to shirt wrists.

Step 2:

Splatter ketchup, pesto, wine and make-up on the shirt until it's dirty.

Et finis

And you know what? I don't even know what to tell you. Take an old button-down and rub it with ketchup and baby vomit and suddely it's high fashion, I guess. Half of me is saying "wow, that's disgusting" and the other half is saying "finally, I have a use for all those shirts I've drunkenly puked on. Win."

Click here for more amazing fashion advice!! Thanks The Sun!

A Step-By-Step Guide To Dressing Like An Asshole

Step one:

Et Finis.

How To Look Unbelieveably Awesome In One Easy Step (part deux)

If this isn't the awesomest book about knitted and crocheted slippers ever written, I seriously need to reassess my official position on books written about knitted and crocheted slippers. I mean, just look at it - we appear to have the Jolly Green Giant's leisure footwear at the top, followed by what can only be described as the lovechild between a 1950's style mop-head and an albino Muppet softly sucking on a lady's feet. Those two styles, though, they obviously pale in comparison to the simply magnificent Himalayan Smurf crocheted shinguards/yodeling sock combo. Lordy, those are amazing. I think I need a pair of them immediately, for all of my various knitted shin guard/yodeling sock needs.

Why's That Tiny, Naked Man Crying?

For those days you need reminding just what the hell it is that you've been breastfeeding:

How Fat Are You, Exactly?

Wow. Really, just wow. I think that, quite possibly, this is the worst idea ever. Seriously. If only I were exaggerating. Honestly, the only thing that could possibly make this tape-measure belt any worse is a matching pair of loafers with scales in the soles and a digital display for your forehead, and that's only marginally worse. I think I can honestly say that I would rather hire a small child to hold up my pants all day than use a tape measure as a belt. In fact, if given the choice, I would rather staple my jeans to my abdomen than wear a tape measure as a belt. Hell, I would surely prefer to not wear any pants at all and wrap the tape measure around my face enough times to obscure my identity (and/or lose consciousness) than actually wear a tape-measure as a belt. It is just that bad of an idea.

BTW, is anyone else wondering what the holy fuck happened to this crafter's bellybutton?

Wild Jewel Crochet Love Goddess Rainbow Sparkle Jumper

Thank the fucking lord for ETSY. No, seriously. Without it, I never could have found my new favorite item ever, this Wild Jewel Crochet Love Goddess Rainbow Sparkle Jumper, which is, apparently, "Sewn with love, Sprinkled with magic and Created to Celebrate You".
Finally! Something made to celebrate ME! And, it's sprinkled with magic! Isn't it just my lucky day.


So thank you, ETSY, you've made my wildest dreams come to life! To terrifyingly vivid, lsd-induced, nauseating life. I'll take three!

Just look at how happy (and completely sane) this spectacular creation could make me appear:


And the best part is; it can all be mine for only $610! It's a steal, I tell you. A steal.

'Trailer Trash' Has Taken On A Whole New Meaning

I just found this before/after picture in a Craftster forum, and I believe, at this junction, I can only say 'wow'.

I mean, really, just wow. In fact, wooooow. Not only did this this crafter take a good long look at a used plastic grocery bag and think it was a highly underrated and completely child-safe material with which to wrap a small child, but they then went ahead and publicly posted this pint-sized butcher's apron as if it were an adorable little sun dress. All it's missing is a tin-foil bonnet and newspaper booties and lil' Cinderella here is ready for the ball.
I fear for this tot's future. And possibly her entire summer wardrobe.

Unless, of course, this crafter is actually demonstrating their nifty ability to physically manufacture adorable little baby girls out of used plastic bags. Because that would actually be quite impressive.