How to Look Unbelieveably Awesome, Part 4

I know, I know.  I've been negligent.  I'm a bad, bad lady.  You can stop sending the sad-face emails.  I get it. I've done the internet equivalent of leaving my dog/baby/husband in the car for a week during the summer with the windows rolled up.  And nothing but Mountain Dew to drink.  But I'm back, at the very least showing my face to claim the carcass of whatever may be left of my lovely website.  And to show my undying devotion to you, my lovely and patient readers, I'm going to present you with one of my favourite tutorials ever.  EVER.  I forgot where I found it, but it shows, concisely, how to make yer own haute couture using the jeans you got too fat for years ago.

Here we go! Step one:  grab your old jeans (you know, the ones you were only able to wear for one season back in '05)

Step 2:  Cut these, uh, shapes, out of the denim. These non-matching, dirty-looking shapes. Don't worry - you're 90% of the way there.

Step 3: Sew together haphazardly, preferably without adding a lining or even a back of any sort, and try to fray the edges as much as possible for a truly classy look.  Remember: sideboob is god's gift to prebubescent boys!

Taa-da! That, my friends, is how to look unbelieveably awesome in just three easy steps.

The Look On His Face Says It All. Srsly.

In the absence of a lengthy post today, I'm just going to post this redonculous tomfuckery.

Now discuss.

Dear God I Hope I Don't Get Sued.

So I don't mean to get on a fashion kick lately, but there's just so much of this shit, given that the new collections just rolled out. And by "it" I mean "hideous crap" and by "new collections" I mean "Major Fashion Houses that Should Know Better." And I just had to share this little gem I came across earlier today on TheSun.co.uk.

For those of you not in the UK, The Sun is a "newspaper" that focuses on "important" "news items" from around the nation in a "non-biased" and totally "cerebral manner" (read: a glorified English News Of The Weird that interviews the likes of the utterly unimportant and totally inconsequential like Katie Price and Peaches Geldof. Seriously, for your own sanity, please don't click the hotlinks. Save yourself, my tender Americans. Save yourselves.)

Anyway, I was perusing this most important of news sources yesterday, and unwittingly stumbled across the most bewildering of columns: A how-to for expensive home-made fashion. As I'm sure you are already well-aware, I am no fan of the idiotic tutorial, and to find this with the thrown-in high-class factor made me positively giddy with delight. And pointed laughter. But mostly delight.

So here we go - the step-by-step totorial to creating a Ben De Lisi - like shirt. Enjoy the crazy.

Food-splattered shirt

Designer version (on the left): £1,000 by Ben De Lisi

Sun version (on the right): FREE

You will need:

An old white shirt, a bit of net curtain, red wine, green pesto, tomato ketchup, make-up, glue, scissors.

Step 1:

Cut the net curtain in circles and glue to shirt wrists.

Step 2:

Splatter ketchup, pesto, wine and make-up on the shirt until it's dirty.

Et finis

And you know what? I don't even know what to tell you. Take an old button-down and rub it with ketchup and baby vomit and suddely it's high fashion, I guess. Half of me is saying "wow, that's disgusting" and the other half is saying "finally, I have a use for all those shirts I've drunkenly puked on. Win."

Click here for more amazing fashion advice!! Thanks The Sun!

You Can't Blame Everything That Happened In The 70's On Drugs. Unfortunately.

Oh, for fuck's sake, people. You cannot just turn a planter upside-down and call it a hat. You just can't. You just can't.


Ed. note: Well, upon further reflection, I guess, technically, you actually can. But that doesn't mean that you should. In fact, you definitely shouldn't. Especially when it looks this tarded.

Sponge Bob Strange Pants

Wow guys. Just wow. I had no idea just how many bizarre chrocheted manifestations of Sponge Bob existed in the crafting underworld of the magical internet tubez. Evidently, there are at least two. And this is one of them. And it scares the holy fuck out of me.

For double points, imagine the white stripe as Sponge Bob's crack-induced grin. It'll make you chuckle.


Thanks to Patty G for sending this in!

Sorry, I take all my romantic advice from aprons.

"Love is like a box of chocolates, you never know..." You never know... what?! What do you never know? "You never know what time it is?" "You never know what those things on the ends of shoelaces are called"? "You never know a better source to plagiarize than Forrest Gump"?

The muse-drunk scribe who created this skirt must have retreated into a deep hermitage at its completion, content with their literary output. Like a grad student camped at the gates of Salinger's estate, I patiently await the pants-shaped sequel where, one hopes, the secrets of the chocolate box (this is a metaphor for life) will finally be revealed.