Ignore The Raccoon

If there is anything more patriotic than a paving stone painted to look like a coke-fueled bald eagle with wings resembling the confederate flag, a matching yarn choker, and WE HEART AMERICA scrawled on the chest, than I don't know what it is.

I'll take three.

The Lolrus Won't Be Happy

It's late. I'm tired. And this is a baby in a bucket.

Go figure.

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Not Everything That Glitters is Golden Girls

Oh, girls, what happened? I know it's been a few years since you all parted ways, but still, hot damn. Since we all last saw each other, Rue's apparently been hit upside the head with the ugly end of a 2x4, Betty's been spending her new-found free time growing a gap in her front teeth (or, alternatively, eating copious amounts of spinach), and Bea has evidently discovered her inner Chola. And Estelle? Well, Estelle died. Which is possibly the only thing more unfortunate than this group portrait o' glitter.

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$220 Worth Of Fail

This is a Public Service Announcement for all Etsy crafters, Malbers2 in particular:


This, no matter what you intended and regardless of how much you would like it to be, is not a punch bowl. It just isn't. What it is, though, is hideous, and apparently, melting. Punch bowls, you see, are intended for the purpose of holding punch, and are generally large and aesthetically pleasing. This, on the other hand, is just very unfortunate and, let's face it, somewhat depressing. Were I to be at a party that was using this to dole out said party beverages, I think I would have to seriously reconsider my entire social life, that's all I'm saying.


And these, Malbers2, are not a matching set of punch cups, as they are neither matching, nor punch cups. And even if I were to cede that they could, hypothetically, hold some liquid, and are therefore cups, I would counter that given the fact that they physically cannot be put down without emptying themselves entirely they force a commitment to your punch that I am just not sure I am willing to give. I mean, I like punch as much as the next person, but I am all sorts of unwilling to spend the entire length of your next house-party gingerly holding an upside-down ceramic anteater just because you couldn't be bothered to make your cups do the one thing that cups are required to do: hold liquid in a reasonable manner. Instead, your cups hold liquid in an unreasonable manner, sir, and I find it distressing.

Mysterious Jesus Face With Accompanying Hat Selection

Rarely do I come across a crapft so awe-inspiring, so unexplainable, so truly magnificent, I'm at a loss for words. Seriously, I'm having a hard time finding appropriate adjectives for this apparently God-approved item, as it wouldn't even technically qualify as a crapft if it weren't for the seller having needle-felted an assortment of hats purpose-built to highlight just how much the rock they found could look a bit like Jesus if held at the right angle in a certain light and squinting while drunk. I swear to you, I couldn't make this shit up. Oh, and the kicker? It costs $1,500.23 . Not just $1,500, but $1,500.23 . I have a feeling this person's in cahoots with the crafter that DOES NOT USE PATTERNS.


Here are some of the best excerpts from the seller's rather long description (though I highly suggest you check out the whole thing here):

"MYSTERIOUS JESUS FACE / COOL BLACK JESUS FACE / ALL RACES ALL COLORS JESUS FACE RARE LIGHTNING FULGURITE SPECIMEN FROM CO U.S.A.

"This Fulgurite has 3 holes going all the way through that totally resemble eyes and a mouth where the light shines through and it is rumored to look like Jesus's face. He also has a beard.

"There is a blow hole in the center of his forehead created by the lightning that does not go all the way through."

"I MADE HIM A COUPLE OF NEW HATS AND HE IS READY FOR A HOT NIGHT OUT ON THE TOWN!!! :o)

"I hand cut and sewed brown felt to make his Cool hat he is wearing now.
I hand cut and sewed Red Fleece to make his winter stocking cap using invisable hand stitching, used Johnson's Pure Cotton Rounds for the trim on the cap which I ironed on with Heat'n'Bond hem trim adhesive.

"IF YOU DO NOT THINK THIS LIGHTNING FULGURITE LOOKS LIKE JESUS'S FACE PLEASE CONTACT ME AND LET ME KNOW WHO YOU DO THINK HE LOOKS LIKE? IT SEEMS LIKE SOME PEOPLE CAN SEE THE FACE BUT SOME PEOPLE CAN'T OR MAYBE JUST DON'T WANT TO."

"This "Mysterious Jesus Face / Cool Black Jesus Face / All Races All Colors Jesus Face" rare Lightning Fulgurite is even amazing to stare at the pictures. If you stare at his picture you might go into some kind of a trance and even see a rainbow. :o)

"I am also charging slightly more for this Fulgurite because I will probably
never be able to find another one with a JESUS face like this one has. When I
first saw this fulgurite I said right away this is somebody's face!!! Then the
more I looked at it after I got home I knew it was Jesus's face and the light
came shining through.. So if I don't sell Mysterious JESUS Face I will keep
him!!!!"

So. Fucking. Good.