Saturday 28 November 2009

eggs on you egg you on


Clearly a devious attempt by the powerful Egg Lobby to give you dreams where you nuzzle your face into a pile of fried eggs. That or this is Big Egg's new mascot, Eggy the Vaguely Silky Creature of Leisure.

At least he's better than their first choice, Goldy the Vaguely Lamé Creature of Leisure... hmm, I think I need some assistance telling what creature this is. If only there was some helpful information in pillow form...

Hey, thanks BIRD PILLOW! I remember you! I knew you existed for a reason.

Thursday 26 November 2009

What I'm Thankful For (Brought to You by the Letter C)

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! In the spirit of today's homage to massacred Native Americans and gluttony, I bring to you my annual list of things I'm especially thankful for, in no particular order:

1) Crocheted cranberry sauce. Not only is it outstandingly useful but it also has eyeballs! The better to (not really) see you with while you're (not really) eating it!

2) Cupcake cozies. Because my cupcake was getting cold and needed an extra layer of crazy for insulation.

and lastly, 3) Cats in bags. Obviously.

And there it is, everyone! The things I am most thankful for right now; the things that almost thaw my black shriveled raisin of a heart. And if you can bring yourself to take a breather from shoveling turkey down your face-holes for just a minute please feel free to leave a comment as to what you are most thankful for in this most crapft-inspiring of seasons. And then we can all drunkenly point and laugh at you together, thereby continuing to spread the holiday cheer. Yay for Thanksgiving!

Wednesday 25 November 2009

Humpday Roundup

So I was checking out some of the other crapft sites around the internets, and believe me, there's an infestation of them, when I decided that in the name of Thanksgiving and joyousness and all that crap I should start a weekly segment on Homemade Hilarity giving props to the other funny writers who spend waaay too much time searching out the ugly.

Crocheted Clown birthday cake on What Not To Crochet

Man painting nude on Craftastrophe

Tinsel creature (yeah, I don't know either) on ETSY WTF

Gourd fail on CraftFail

Cheese and crackers vegan soap on Kraftomatic

HelloPepsi necklace on What Not To Craft

Turkey hand at Handmade Gone Wrong

Bronzed(!) cinnamon roll at Glitter Gone Bad

Tuesday 24 November 2009

I.. uhm.. Don't Even Know Where To Go With This One

So I was just innocently looking up apple recipes on the internet, and this one cought my eye. Dear god, how I wish there were a photo:



  • 1 cup ground cinnamon
  • 1 cup applesauce
  • 1/4 cup white school glue (optional)


  1. Add the cinnamon to the applesauce until you get a clay-like consistency.
  2. You may add glue for added thickness.
  3. Once the dough is mixed, create shapes with your hands or roll the dough out and use cookie cutters.
  4. Add glitter for fun!
  5. Let the dough dry.

PLEASE, dear readers, DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME. Or if you do, I heartily suggest you opt-out of the glue and glitter. Or at least the glue. Shitting glitter could be fun on the weekends.

Seriously, though, these sound like horrible cookies.

Sometimes The Posts Write Themselves

So what is this, then? Why, it's a piece of crap on a chain. Literally as well as figuratively. So that's special. In fact, it's $40 worth of special. Or, at least $40 worth of crap on a chain.

Monday 23 November 2009

Mrs. Winehouse Has Never Looked Finer. Or Healthier.


So here I was today, minding my own business, surfing my own internets, when what do I see in front of me but an article written by The Daily Mail about knitting. I know, I know. To be fair, and to put it in perspective, it was about knitted celebrities. And it was hilarious. And maybe a little bit traumatic. A little bit hilarious and a little bit traumatic. (Which, ironically enough, sums up The Daily Mail quite eloquently.) And, after much chortling and guffawing and pointing spasmically at the knitted Barry White, I decided it would be cruel not to re-post some of the finer specimens. Enjoy.

Friday 20 November 2009

This Is What A 3-Day Paper-Mache Bender Looks Like.


And this, children, is why we don't do drugs. At least, not copious amounts. Well, not this much anyway.

You don't even want to know what happened to Yoshi.


Thursday 19 November 2009

Tomato Tomaahto

You say it's an adorable widdle giraffe. I say it's a nose-less llama with smallpox. Or maybe a tick infestation. Or possibly just lots of moles. Crying blood.

Wednesday 18 November 2009

See You In The Morning. Have Coffee Ready.

Sorry guys! Blogger's broken at the moment, so I can't upload any pictures tonight. Just imagine that I posted a pic of some horrifically badly-made crapft, and added some hilariously witty commentary beneath. Then feel free to comment as you see fit.

Monday 16 November 2009

Note The Tasteful Use of Empty Bud Light Cans.


If this doesn't constitute animal cruelty, I suspect not much does.

Although, in a "that dog is totally going to kill its owner in the middle of the night" kinda way, this is almost kinda awesome.

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Saturday 14 November 2009

They Do Say Whales Evolved From A Bear-Like Animal.

So evidently this week is "what the hell did you knit" week here at homemade hilarity. Which was unplanned, to be honest (and so was Jesus, so I don't want to hear it), but I'm gonna roll with it while I can.

Today's little gem comes from Etsy. Shocking, I know.

And yes, they're a couple of MerBears. That's right. MerBears. Mer...Bears. Knitted MerBears. Knitted button-eyed MerBears. Knitted, button-eyed, multicolour MerBears. With flippers.

Flippered MerBears.

Who knew.

Friday 13 November 2009

Life Is So Hard Sometimes.


I keep going between these two lovely face-warmers, trying to decide which one I'm going to make for my niece for Christmas. On the one hand, the top picture apparently has a set of knit fingers protruding from the forehead, integrated deep-set wrinkles, and could be trying to slowly digest the child underneath.

On the other hand, the bottom picture is just about the most amazing thing I've ever seen, what with the blue lips/nose combo, the yellow yarmulke with attached fringe, and the copious tufts of ear-hair complete with shiny pink bows.

What to do. What to do.

Thursday 12 November 2009

And The Angry Emails Start In 3......2........

And I present to you, my kind and gentle readers, the indomitable "Knitler":

Don't blame me. Blame the internets.

Wednesday 11 November 2009

I Don't Even Know What Happened To It, Either


To be fair, I think I might be a tad surprised as well if I found out my nose had been sliced off with what would appear to be the craftsmanship of a dull butterknife. Shocked, even. So I feel her on this one.

Monday 9 November 2009

Something about a turd and whether or not you can polish it.

I had to stare at this one for a little while, and I can assure you its only a shiny malformed representation of a decapatated cat on a necklace.

Of course.

Even better than the fact that this crafter has made a sweaty amputated cat head pendant, though, is the description:
"Bear caused a small spill today at the candy factory in Animini City. Sweetkins Avenue was flooded with fairy dust and melted milk chocolate, the resulting chaos turned the Animini workers into candies!

They aren't edible, but they look it!"
ETSY: allowing crafters to sell polished brown lumpy items since 2005.

Sunday 8 November 2009

Is This a Viral PSA Announcement And Nobody Told Me?


Well, the dude seems fine, apart from being indoctrinated into the Eagles. The girlette, on the other hand, seems to have suffered a stroke. A severe, severe stroke. A stroke only Picasso could love.

Thursday 5 November 2009

I'll Take Mine With Milk And Two Lumps Of Lint


I don't care what this seller says; a massive, chroched, fuzzy pillowcase does not constitute an appropriately-sized, well-made, sleek tea cozy. Or any kind of tea cozy, really. Let's face it.

Tuesday 3 November 2009

I'm not even sure i know where i am


So I've just survived three days of moving hell (who knew I evidently owned a ware-house full of random crap?) and I'm feeling supremely exhausted. Like, I-can-barely-see-straight kind of exhausted. As in, I'm-having-a-hard-time-typing kind of exhausted. It's an OMG-I-hope-I-don't-die-while-I-write-this kind of exhausted. The kind of exausted where you think you might throw up. Or pass out. Or possibly both at the same time.

I'm so tired.

Enjoy this Saddam Hussein puppet.

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