Thursday 26 February 2009

The Most Useless P.O.S. Ever Crafted

This is a glove (?) I found on Flickr, made out of crocheted (!) plastic bags (?!). Let's read that again, shall we: This is a GLOVE, that someone was proud of, made out of CROCHETED PLASTIC BAGS. And it's not just any glove mind you, it's a TWO FINGERED glove. Made out of CROCHETED PLASTIC BAGS. A FREAKING GLOVE.

Trust me, you'll need a minute to let that all sink in.

Wednesday 25 February 2009

More Effective Than a Chastity Belt

While I'm all for immortalizing the miracle of pregnancy via a shiny, silver, silhouetted pendant, I am decidedly not all for making said pendant resemble the newest addition to Damien Hirst's "Distinctly Damien" jewellery line, nor, alternatively, a 50-style diagram of what a knocked-up, limb-deficient 5-year-old girl looks like.

Seriously though, the lack of appendages is almost more distracting than the foetus hatching inside her upper intestine. Almost.

Tuesday 24 February 2009

Racial Tolerance in Children is Overrated

I am aware that there are a lot of parents who read Homemade Hilarity; parents of young, innocent, wonderfully malleable precious little snowflakes who have yet to learn of all the wonders and complexities of the human species. They do not yet know, for example, that all Chinese people are indeed a uniform bright canary yellow in color and are immensely pleased to wear rice paddy hats to work everyday down at the math factory. Similarly, these kids may have not yet been made aware that any face can be made to look sufficiently middle-or-far-eastern-like if colored any shade of brown and given vaguely-slanted eyes and an unidentifiable head wrap. Is s/he Sri Lankan? Egyptian? Afghani? Who cares? It's not like any of us need to know the difference anyway.

To teach your children all these valuable life lessons and many more, either you can spend years reiterating personal cultural prejudices in the hopes that they might finally sink in someday, or you can choose to make racial stereotyping fun with this Masks-of-the-World craft kit! Your little angels will be repeating ignorance-based ethnic slurs before you know it!

Also included in this set: red construction paper and a neon-dyed feather selection for the "Majestic Native American" mask, as well an array of sun-burned orange paper and pre-cut moustaches to make your very own "Mexican Fiesta" face! Arriba!

Sunday 22 February 2009

I'll Be Your Private Dancer, Dancing For Funny

This is the first homemade video hilarity I've posted on this site, but man, it's a doozy. I would say it might be unsafe for work, given that it is an older man on a stripper's pole, but after assessing the amount of sheer unsexy that he manages to bring to this oldest of classical art forms, it could hardly be seen as an enticing display of sexual prowess. What it is, though, is unparalleled in its comedic value.

Evidently, this guy is part of an online group that is dedicated to learning how to use "dancing" poles through videos on youtube. Personally, I can't really imagine waking up one day, in my mid 50s, and deciding that I've somehow managed to completely miss my true life's calling in being a stripper. A high-paid call-girl, perhaps, but not a stripper. To each their own, I guess.

Oooh, Lovely.

Rarely do I come across a craft so stunningly beautiful, so utterly masterful, so completely unparalleled in artistic talent and choice of subject matter, that I find it sets a new standard within its art form. This is one of those times.

I implore you to look deep within this darling child's expectant eyes, to laugh along with her jovial grin, to imagine just reaching our and honking her alarmingly bulbous nose. What brilliant artistic mind she was borne of, I do not know, but I would like to shake their hand and nominate them for sainthood based on all they have single-handedly given to society and the world as a whole, not to mention the magic they have brought to my life. And by "magic" I mean material for ridicule, natch.

Saturday 21 February 2009

How To Turn Someone Off From 50 Feet Away

You know, I was looking for a way to cheaply and hideously remind anyone with eyeballs that I suffer from "cold sores" and extremely chapped and bloody lips to a magnitude heretofore unseen, just so, you know, they'll never forget. Ever.

This should do quite nicely.

Friday 20 February 2009

Making Fun Of Jesus, One Crapft at a Time

Either the commonly-held conception of what "sin" looks like has changed significantly since the last Cultural Interpretations of Fictitious Religious Iconography meeting, or this specific crafter thought "Kick a Soccer Ball, Or Alternatively, Light a Soccer Ball on Fire And Throw it at Someone" didn't sound quite catchy enough, or obscure enough, for their stunning and inspirational illustrations.

Yes, those are Chef's hats. They're Chef's Hats For Jesus. And they're hilarious.

Wednesday 18 February 2009

I Swear To God, This Was Made by an Adult

The crapft in question today I found on a website created by adults, run by adults, and intended for adults, so there is no excuse for this half-assed fuckery I am about to force upon you. The target of this specific crapft, as far as I can ascertain, was to create a stained-glass-esque picture out of tissue paper and black cardstock, which really isn't as complicated a procedure as, oh, let's say, super-gluing your fingers together.

So, let's start this post out by taking a look at what stained glass is supposed to look like, in all of its historically-significant and Jesus-induced detailing:

This next picture is a fine example of what a paper "stained glass" picture can look like. Is it terribly attractive? Not really. Is it artistic? Sure. Is the end result worth the amount of glue necessary to make it? Not at all. But still, I am willing to cede that there is a certain amount of artistic ability implied within its many intricacies:

But this... this, my gentle readers, is the most inexcusable and horrific waste of both colored tissue and man-power I have ever seen. What is that large, malformed pink blob, you ask? I have no fucking idea. And the matching, multicolored mini-blobs? Yeah, those are called mistakes. This is really not so much a stained-glass masterpiece as an unfortunate misunderstanding between a crafter and their general lack of talent; and yet, I have somehow found it posted as an official guide for other crafters to aspire to, on its own website.

Shocking, really.

Monday 16 February 2009

Don't Cross All Your Bridges In One Basket

Wise words, oh inept painter of faceless obese ladies, wise words. But, let's not forget other classic down-home country phrases such as "Squeaky cabbage gathers no friends", "Don't count your chickens, ever", and "Lack of any discernible artistic talent makes for uniquely unfortunate and unintentionally hilarious crapft projects."

Saturday 14 February 2009

V Day

A festive love-day to you all, Double H'ers. Since Julia has already provided the ghastly and hot-glued dark side of this holiday, I thought I'd show off my own V-Day cards, which I made for some friends this past week. Please laugh with me and not at me, and feel free to leave remembrances of the best (or worst) homemade valentine's card you've ever received in the comments.

Click to embiggen!

Click to embiggen!

Click to embiggen!

Click to embiggen!

It Warms My Shriveled Black Heart

Ah, Valentine's Day. What an unbelievably awesome day it is! It's the one day a person is allowed to express any form of affection for their loved ones, the only day it's acceptable to dip your partner in dark chocolate, and, most importantly, it's the first day in the year Hallmark finally goes into the black. Truly, it is a magical and wondrous day, and in the name of all that is pink and tacky, I would like to share with you all some of my favorite V-day extravagances that I've come across in the last few days.

"Aww, hunny, You really didn't have to! You are just the sweetest man ever! I can't believe that you remembered I collect beanie babies. Aww, and he's holding a heart.... and look! It says something! You are just so thoughtful. Let me go get my glasses so I can read it, you sweet, sweet man...."

Between the crocheted bits, the knitted bits, the felt bits, the fake fur, the buttons, the wooden lips, the sequins, the braided strap, and the clashing colors, I just can't decide what I love most about this classic V-day look. It's like, while the bedazzled hearts say "Hey! I'm fun and wacky and someone should love me!", the understated fake fur trim says "But I'm also classy and elegant, and I'm above caring if I am alone and desperate on Valentine's day."

I believe this may be my favorite Valentines Day card, ever. In fact, this may be my favorite all-purpose greeting card, ever. I'm warning my friends and family now, you can probably expect this magnificient card for your birthday as well as Christmas, and possibly also for Easter.

Given this year's economic crisis, I do understand the desire to think, privately, "fuck roses". I understand the desire to save the $50 you would be spending on half a dozen of long-stemmed crimson blooms, and buy, I dunno, necessities like Ramen and Tang. Simultaneously, though, I think there must be a middle ground between gifting your beloved over-priced and overrated roses, and giving your special someone an old boot with dead flowers hot-glued to it. There just must be.

So that's it for this Valentines day, everyone. I hope this magnificent holiday treats you well, and you don't find yourself half naked, drunkenly whispering "I love you unconditionally" to a half empty bottle of Southern Comfort that you drew a face on with old lipstick somewhere around 4 am, inbetween pints of Ben and Jerrys and bouts of uncontrollable sobbing. Because trust me, it takes forever to get mascara stains out of carpeting.

Friday 13 February 2009

Results Are In....

Time to announce the contest winners! And yes, that is plural. Since there were a few especially astute contenders who were able to recognize the formidable comedic talent that is Kevin from "The Office", I feel it is only right to reward all of them. Especially as no one guessed all three answers correctly, I decided to be nice for once and maybe make several people feel extra special. So here you go, Lilaphase, Davy Hamburgers, Tracy, and Jenn Thorson, come up and claim your prize:

I know, I know, I really splashed out. But please, don't be shy - feel free to add it to your website, or print it out and put it on your cubicle, or get it made into a t-shirt that you can wear every day of your life. After all, you are awesome, and you should let everyone else know it. Nay, you should force everyone else to know it.

Oh, and here are all the answers, for those of you sitting on the edge of your seats:

#1 was Kevin (Brian Baumgartner) from "The Office"
#2 was Charlize Theron (!)
#3 was Steve Carrell from "The Office"

Thank you to everyone who participated, and given the turn-out, I have a feeling we'll be having many more games in the future. Huzzah!

Tuesday 10 February 2009

Let's Play a Game!

Alright, everyone! Gather round, for it is time to play "Name That Badly Painted Face!" All of these timeless masterpieces were found for sale on, none less than $200. They're a steal, I tell you, a steal. And while the subjects of these objets d'art may be obvious for any true connoisseur of the d'arts, I'm willing to bet that the average reader of HomemadeHilarity will have no idea. We're not a sophisticated bunch over here, now are we.

So, let's have a little contest! Take a careful look at the three paintings, and leave your guesses for their identities in the comments, along with your name, email, and your website (if you have one). The winner will get a framed copy of one of the paintings they can hang on their massive wall of trophies. I swear to god.

And, because I'm awesome, I'll give you two hints:
1) They're all celebrities from film and tv, and
2) #1 and #3 are somehow related, beyond both being borne of the same artistic genius.



I would also like to say "Thank You" at this junction, to everyone who reads this site regularly. For the first time since HomemadeHilarity began (just under two months ago), we broke the 1000 mark for unique visitors in one day yesterday, and I'm one proud mama. Hopefully we'll continue along this path, and eventually 0wn j00r 1nt3rn3ts!!!111

Also, at this junction, I would like to point out to you lot that there are two of us writing for this site. There is myself, Julia D, and my cohort JK. While our writing styles may be similar, you can tell us apart because she's the funny one. If in doubt, just look where it says "posted by" underneath each post, and that should be pretty self-explanatory.

So with that, let the games begin!! Guessing ends tomorrow night, NY time.

Monday 9 February 2009

Opposite Day

I was away for a while, due to things. Apparently while I was gone everybody who owns a sewing machine had a group meeting and decided that this whole "wearing pants on our legs and shirts on our torsos" thing was a little past it's prime. You know, it worked for the first 10,000 years of human civilization, but it's time to start thinking outside of the sensebox. Really proactively rework this stifling pants paradigm.

For instance, how many times have you gotten in trouble for saying "I have something for you in my pants, hold on while I rummage around for it."? Thanks to the pants-purse, you will no longer be slapped repeatedly after this announcement. (Homemade Hilarity makes no legal claims authorizing you for pants-contents announcements and waives any and all indemnification resulting from any ensuing said announcement.)

In some cases, is it very very hard to tell who is a dillweed just by looking at them. And in other cases, such as when they have a vh1 show called "Rock of Love: [Their Name]'s Traveling Hump Bus", or when their head is sticking out of a jock strap, it is very very easy to tell.

These shirt-panties actually come with a brutally strict vetting process. The application to see if you should be allowed to wear them turns more than 99% of applicants away. It is as follows:

Question #1: Are you the recording artist known as Prince? (y/n)
Question #2: Are you currently, as in right now, having sexual intercourse and/or an erotic dance-off with the recording artist known as Prince? (y/n)

Chances are you did not qualify.

Each of these three crapfts by themselves may not be that significant, but all together they are heavy with dark tidings. This is what happens when you allow loving, committed gay couples to marry, you know. Black becomes white, up becomes down, dogs and cats living together, rivers fill with blood, zippers on panties and crotch-shirts being packed into pant-bags. It's the end times, people, gird your zippered loins.

Sunday 8 February 2009

Never End A Sentence With a Preposition. But, Do End Your Sentences.

Yes. As well as So Much Hilarity To Live. And So Much Ugly to Look Forward. And Let's not forget So Much to Make Fun.

Thank you, oh crappy butterfly of overused and yet unfinished cliches. You've reminded me of just how precious life really.

(yeah yeah yeah. I know there's a "for" on the bottom right wing, but be honest - you didn't see it at first either.)

Thanks to Michelle for this great find!

Friday 6 February 2009

For Just $1 A Day, You Can Rescue These Animals From A Life Of Crocheted Pajamas

If you have ever thought about doing this to a beloved household pet:

Or, better yet, this:
Don't. Just don't. It's not cute. It's not funny. Nobody's laughing. Well, I'm laughing, but not with you. So as far as you think, nobody's laughing. See how the dog looks like he's pleading to be put down? That's because he is. See how the cat won't even look his owner in the face? That's because he's all sorts of done with this fuckery.

Animal cruelty just isn't cool, guys. Put down the knitting needles and back away slowly. Seriously.

Thursday 5 February 2009

Everyone Stay Inside, And Try Not to Panic: We Might Get An Inch Of Snow

So I've been living in England for just under a year now, and a couple days ago we got the first snow I've seen out here. That, in and of itself, is not funny. What is terribly humorous, though, is the reaction of those in southern England who were thusly forced to deal with their few inches of snow. Granted, some areas of London got more than 6 inches, so I will not include them in my mockery of the English overall, but the area I live in only got about an inch, which evidently entitled everyone to blow off work, call off school, and to run around screaming that the sky is falling.

For a girl who grew up in Western MA and went to college in Wisconsin, this is pure foolishness. I had to walk 5 miles uphill to school in certifyable blizzards, damnit, and I had to like it. If it snowed 3 feet overnight and the roads weren't cleared enough to drive to work, you had better start shoveling because a little snow was no excuse for not showing up. In WI it regularly gets so cold and snowy that people's noses freeze and fall off while they're outside and then they have to wait until spring to be able to go out and find their lost nose in order to get it sewn back on by a doctor who hopefully hasn't lost more than a couple fingers during the last deep freeze. And yet these English pansies, in their balmy temperate climate, think the apocalype is nigh as soon as it snows a couple centimeters. Pish.

Anyway, in honor of this week's winter freaking wonderland, I've decided to gift you all with some snowman crafts I've been saving up. Enjoy.

Mmm. Brilliant use of old bike tires, there, buddy. It hardly even look like 3 broken, badly spray-painted, glued-together bicycles tires. Way to stay classy.

I'm pretty confident this is what terrifying looks like.

And this delicious-looking masterpiece is, I'm told, made out of cheese. Better yet, I can only assume that his glamorous accoutrements are made out Fruit-By-The-Foot, which is almost kind of actually awesome.

I'm told these are all cookies, but I have some serious doubts. I mean, the white ones look awfully suspicious. If you know what I mean. As in, there's a reason I threw this pic in with the 'snowmen' category. Don't make me spell it out for you.

And "greeting to the 5th power" to you, too, sir.

These dubiously-shaped stuffed messes are either the Ghosts of Snowmen Past, or the ever-elusive Zombie Snowmen in one of their quarterly stock-option conventions. From my experience, they can often-times look similar in pictures. If given the choice, though, I think I'd rather hang with snowmen ghosts; at least they don't usually try to eat your brains like a snow-cone.

Ah. Finally. Since completing the pill-bottle wreath, my pile of empty pill bottles has begun to grow high again, and I've been at a loss as to how to turn the fruits of my long-term drug abuse into a cute homemade craft I can give to my neighbors and friends. You know, something they'll cherish forever. Something that just shouts "SNOWMAN". Something made out of empty pill-bottles.

And that's about it for today, kiddies. And my apologies on my recent lack of posts. I swear I have a good reason, and as soon as I'm done editing the content, I'll post the URL and let you all see the secret project I've been working on the last few days. Feel free to use the comments to post your guess as to what I've been up to! MWAHAAHAAHAA!!!!

Monday 2 February 2009

Scroll-Down FAIL

In all my time searching the various tubes of the internets in search of teh handmade funny, I've noticed that most crapfts seem to fall within certain types of categories. Today we're going to discuss the often-attempted and not-once-ever-achieved category known as the "expensive object homemade knock-off". This kind of crapft only appears when a crafter becomes so genuinely deluded enough in their own talents that when they see, let's say, a pair of $2000 Lanvin jewel-encrusted leather 4 1/2 in high-heels, they have a conversation with themself that ends with "if one of the biggest and most luxuriously expensive fashion houses in the world can do it, so can I." And so here we are, left with a crafting Fail of epic proportions, and thank god for that.

These were the hells (I know that's a typo, but I'm keeping it) that inspired our intrepid crafter to achieve greatness:

And here is the spectacular results, which the crafter was evidently damn proud of:

And what does this excercise teach us? That a glue-gun and plastic baubles are not all that is necessary to create haute couture. I'm pretty sure you need to have some talent in there somewhere as well. And taste. Taste helps.
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