Leprechauns Make Me Swear-y

It is a little-known fact about me that, along with spiders and needles and one-eyed gypsies, I am terrified of leprechauns. I'm not totally sure why, but I think it has something to do with their corn-kernel teeth, generally unhygienic facial hair, and gleefully evil ways. They're miniature red-headed con men, running around picking pockets and speaking in cryptic rhyme, thinking themselves so freaking smart, and frankly, I'm sick of it. I'm absolutely done with their asinine fuckery, and I think, if I were to ever meet a leprechaun, I would want to punch it. That's all I'm saying.

But, as always, I am willing to keep an open mind about these scheisty little bastards, so in the spirit of St. Patrick's Day I've decided to take a closer look at the many different representations of these tiny gold-hoarding assholes.

Judging by this magnificent throw pillow, clearly my hatred and fear of leprechauns is completely unfounded. He's not terrifying at all. Not in the least.

This, obviously, is a leprechaun on a stick in a vase. Made just for all of your leprechaun-on-a-stick-in-a-vase needs. And I mean all of them! Every last one of your leprechaun-on-a-stick-in-a-vase needs.

Oh, you just know I had to have a crocheted leprechaun somewhere. A crocheted leprechaun with a green pompom nose and googly eyes and monkey ears. And you would be right.


I'm not sure if I agree with this specific leprechaun's message. Perhaps "Kiss me, I'm a burn victim" would be more apt. Or maybe "Kiss me, I'm an alien", or even "Kiss me, I don't have any ears, yet I do have a stove-pipe hat". Alternatively, it's quite possible that this is an accurate representation of the Irish people and they've managed to keep it a secret all this time. In which case, fair play to them.

Dear lord.
Irish blessings are freaking terrifying.
I had no idea.

It's a sad sign of the times when even the beloved Christmas NutCracker has to pick up a second job just to make ends meet. And, by the look of it, he isn't overjoyed either.

So there we have it, folks! Happy St. Patrick's Day! Go have a Guinness and party, but remember, don't craft drunk! And if you do, send me pictures ;)

It Warms My Shriveled Black Heart

Ah, Valentine's Day. What an unbelievably awesome day it is! It's the one day a person is allowed to express any form of affection for their loved ones, the only day it's acceptable to dip your partner in dark chocolate, and, most importantly, it's the first day in the year Hallmark finally goes into the black. Truly, it is a magical and wondrous day, and in the name of all that is pink and tacky, I would like to share with you all some of my favorite V-day extravagances that I've come across in the last few days.


"Aww, hunny, You really didn't have to! You are just the sweetest man ever! I can't believe that you remembered I collect beanie babies. Aww, and he's holding a heart.... and look! It says something! You are just so thoughtful. Let me go get my glasses so I can read it, you sweet, sweet man...."


Between the crocheted bits, the knitted bits, the felt bits, the fake fur, the buttons, the wooden lips, the sequins, the braided strap, and the clashing colors, I just can't decide what I love most about this classic V-day look. It's like, while the bedazzled hearts say "Hey! I'm fun and wacky and someone should love me!", the understated fake fur trim says "But I'm also classy and elegant, and I'm above caring if I am alone and desperate on Valentine's day."


I believe this may be my favorite Valentines Day card, ever. In fact, this may be my favorite all-purpose greeting card, ever. I'm warning my friends and family now, you can probably expect this magnificient card for your birthday as well as Christmas, and possibly also for Easter.


Given this year's economic crisis, I do understand the desire to think, privately, "fuck roses". I understand the desire to save the $50 you would be spending on half a dozen of long-stemmed crimson blooms, and buy, I dunno, necessities like Ramen and Tang. Simultaneously, though, I think there must be a middle ground between gifting your beloved over-priced and overrated roses, and giving your special someone an old boot with dead flowers hot-glued to it. There just must be.

So that's it for this Valentines day, everyone. I hope this magnificent holiday treats you well, and you don't find yourself half naked, drunkenly whispering "I love you unconditionally" to a half empty bottle of Southern Comfort that you drew a face on with old lipstick somewhere around 4 am, inbetween pints of Ben and Jerrys and bouts of uncontrollable sobbing. Because trust me, it takes forever to get mascara stains out of carpeting.

Oprah's Vagina Has Its Own Holiday?

What in sam hill is going on around here? How did I miss this? When I started looking through my daily list of blogs this afternoon it quickly became obvious that today appears to be, officially, Oprah's Vah-jay-jay Day nation-wide. It was all I could do to hold back from punching myself for not keeping up on something as important as Oprah's vagina and whether or not it has its own holiday. Gosh, I feel like such an idiot. I mean, of course someone as powerful as Oprah's vagina would be granted special privileges. I can only imagine that after receiving the congressional medal of honor last year and the key to Chicago the year before, the only distinction left for Oprah's vagina, really, was its own holiday. So, everyone, in honor of the heroic efforts and monumental sacrifices made over the years by Oprah's one-and-only, I give you today's gallery of awesome.

The majestic Oprahmobile, which famously runs on the kisses of orphans and the dreams of the illiterate. Naturally, it also comes standard with its own team of halo'ed trumpeting angels which harken upon its arrival, or its departure, or at hot girls walking down the sidewalk:


The last thing the fajita saw before it died:

Aaaaand, my favorite portrait of anyone, ever:

Doesn't she just look special.


If you don't believe me about it being a national holiday, I don't blame you. It does seem almost too good to be true. Don't just take my word for it, though - check out any of these sites and see for yourself.

http://www.Crotchetyoldman.com
http://soggy-doggy-bloggy.blogspot.com/
http://sanityonedge.blogspot.com/
http://www.offendedblogger.com/
http://nonamedufus.blogspot.com/
http://www.momscrazylife.com/

See what I mean? I couldn't make up something so awesome.

Maybe The Dime Is Just Huge

WHY, crafter, WHY?! What in the world could you possibly be trying to prove?! And to whom?! And what, in the name of all that is crafty, could you ever hope to gain from making these?! And what could you possibly be planning on doing with them?! Seriously; WHAT?! I NEED TO KNOW.

Chestnuts Roasting on a ...

This, my friends, is a home-made cardboard fireplace.
Yes, you read that correctly. It is a fireplace that you can make out of cardboard just in case your living room is lacking a certain je ne sais quoi. You know, for when you want to be all sophisticated-like and high-society-looking. Functional, it may not be, but hideous and highly flammable it sure is.

Public Service Announcement

Today's Top Tip: Some grass clippings and a hot glue gun do not a holiday decoration make, regardless of whether or not you also have a pinecone.

Let's not forget about Hannukah, everybody

During this charming time of year, of Santas and Christmas trees and stockings and other pagan-originating Christianity-stolen paraphernalia constantly assaulting the sensibilities, it is easy to forget that not only does the world have other religions, but they do fun stuff too! Like have their own holidays! And celebrate their own traditions! And make equally strange and ugly crafts! As I am an equal-opportunity blogger, far be it for me to withhold this fine specimen of the Jewish faith, which I am told is supposed to look like a menorah:

Now, I am certainly no authority on the ancient and beautiful traditions of the Jewish faith, but seriously, I'm pretty sure menorahs aren't supposed to look like that. Granted, it is blue, but it's also held together with pipe cleaners and aluminum foil, sooo.... yeah.
I do understand that this is supposed to be a kid-friendly alternative to fire and all that, but I really don't think it's fair to blame this atrocity on children. First of all, it was made by an adult. Honest. Secondly, kids love fire! If you don't let them play with it, how will they ever horrifically burn themselves and learn to fear it? Lastly, if the whole point of making a menorah kid-friendly is simply to not have it result in a deadly molten fire-ball, all an adult has to do is not light their real menorah on fire while the 'chilluns are playing with it. Seriously, folks. You can always use your pipe-cleaner spirals on real candles, and save your clothes pegs and Kleenex boxes for some other terrifically misguided holiday contraption. Please.