You Can't Blame Everything That Happened In The 70's On Drugs. Unfortunately.

Oh, for fuck's sake, people. You cannot just turn a planter upside-down and call it a hat. You just can't. You just can't.


Ed. note: Well, upon further reflection, I guess, technically, you actually can. But that doesn't mean that you should. In fact, you definitely shouldn't. Especially when it looks this tarded.

It Warms My Shriveled Black Heart

Ah, Valentine's Day. What an unbelievably awesome day it is! It's the one day a person is allowed to express any form of affection for their loved ones, the only day it's acceptable to dip your partner in dark chocolate, and, most importantly, it's the first day in the year Hallmark finally goes into the black. Truly, it is a magical and wondrous day, and in the name of all that is pink and tacky, I would like to share with you all some of my favorite V-day extravagances that I've come across in the last few days.


"Aww, hunny, You really didn't have to! You are just the sweetest man ever! I can't believe that you remembered I collect beanie babies. Aww, and he's holding a heart.... and look! It says something! You are just so thoughtful. Let me go get my glasses so I can read it, you sweet, sweet man...."


Between the crocheted bits, the knitted bits, the felt bits, the fake fur, the buttons, the wooden lips, the sequins, the braided strap, and the clashing colors, I just can't decide what I love most about this classic V-day look. It's like, while the bedazzled hearts say "Hey! I'm fun and wacky and someone should love me!", the understated fake fur trim says "But I'm also classy and elegant, and I'm above caring if I am alone and desperate on Valentine's day."


I believe this may be my favorite Valentines Day card, ever. In fact, this may be my favorite all-purpose greeting card, ever. I'm warning my friends and family now, you can probably expect this magnificient card for your birthday as well as Christmas, and possibly also for Easter.


Given this year's economic crisis, I do understand the desire to think, privately, "fuck roses". I understand the desire to save the $50 you would be spending on half a dozen of long-stemmed crimson blooms, and buy, I dunno, necessities like Ramen and Tang. Simultaneously, though, I think there must be a middle ground between gifting your beloved over-priced and overrated roses, and giving your special someone an old boot with dead flowers hot-glued to it. There just must be.

So that's it for this Valentines day, everyone. I hope this magnificent holiday treats you well, and you don't find yourself half naked, drunkenly whispering "I love you unconditionally" to a half empty bottle of Southern Comfort that you drew a face on with old lipstick somewhere around 4 am, inbetween pints of Ben and Jerrys and bouts of uncontrollable sobbing. Because trust me, it takes forever to get mascara stains out of carpeting.

The Great Debate

I debated a good long while about whether or not to post this next picture, as I found it to have a fine number of good qualities along with its equally many bad ones. Ultimately, I decided to go ahead and post it, outline my thought process, and let you come to your own magnificent conclusions. So, please feel free to join me in going through my list of this lil' guy's pros and cons.



Pro: He seems to be well painted, and actually pretty well made overall.

Con: Is that supposed to be a wreath? Added with the Microsoft Paint 'spraypaint' tool circa 1998? Good god.

Pro: I like crafts that are inexpensive to make, and this seems to be an okay use of old flower pots.

Con: Forget about the wreath. What he really needs is a speech bubbles saying "Armz. I can haz dem?"

Pro: His moustache is symmetrical. Which is nice.

Con: He looks as if his goal in life is to pierce the very fabric of my soul with his unblinking, hypnotic gaze.

What do you think?