Irony is: Not Having a Chimney

Fuckin' a.

Just a thought, but if you only have enough money for a carton of cigarettes for yourself, or a dollhouse for your daughter, compromising is probably not the answer. Especially if said compromise is a dollhouse made out of said carton of cigarettes. Although I applaud this crafter's temerity. And scalloped roofing.


By the way, I'm getting awfully tired of finding my content on other blogs, especially when they're bigger sites than mine. You know who you are. Just give credit where credit is due. Thanks.

A Step-By-Step Guide To Dressing Like An Asshole

Step one:

Et Finis.

Cheaper Than Implants

Luckily for this crafter, all I've ever wanted in life is a pair of multicolored miniature clay breasticles. At long last, my hunt is over. Oh, the places we'll go together, the things we'll do.

Some Crafts Exist Only For The Sake of AWESOMENESS

I think I'm gonna file this under "I Want What They're Smoking", because frankly, this crafter's stash must be outstanding. Though, to be fair, is does look exactly how they intended: like a dinosaur in a gourd with corn-cob wheels and paddles, so, um, kudos for that, I guess. It may be utterly insane, but at least it's intentionally utterly insane, although I don't think it's intentionally as utterly insane as how utterly insane it really is, if you know what I'm saying. That said, I would like to point out the size of gourd necessary to make this contraption realistically viable. The answer is "quite large", I believe. "Quite large."

Also, I love how if you go to the source, you'll see the artists makes a big deal out of pointing out that "The gourd is creamy brown with a nice shade of purple and orange. Yes it was a real gourd that we cast a mold of so we could make the Dino racers." as if that was really going to be my first question upon seeing this item. Because, you know, I think my first question when I saw this was "I wonder what this was molded from, other than awesomeness and win?"

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Oh, and many thanks to Madame Berg for a fabulous new zombie chicken award:

Her site is most excellent, by the way. Her website is exclusively about 'costumes, cats, and the 18th century'. I shit you not. If you think I'm kidding, or even if you think I'm not, you must check it out. She has single-handedly inspired me to start up another website solely devoted to pickled foods, medieval footwear, and squirrels.

Ignore The Raccoon

If there is anything more patriotic than a paving stone painted to look like a coke-fueled bald eagle with wings resembling the confederate flag, a matching yarn choker, and WE HEART AMERICA scrawled on the chest, than I don't know what it is.

I'll take three.

The Lolrus Won't Be Happy

It's late. I'm tired. And this is a baby in a bucket.

Go figure.

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Not Everything That Glitters is Golden Girls

Oh, girls, what happened? I know it's been a few years since you all parted ways, but still, hot damn. Since we all last saw each other, Rue's apparently been hit upside the head with the ugly end of a 2x4, Betty's been spending her new-found free time growing a gap in her front teeth (or, alternatively, eating copious amounts of spinach), and Bea has evidently discovered her inner Chola. And Estelle? Well, Estelle died. Which is possibly the only thing more unfortunate than this group portrait o' glitter.

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$220 Worth Of Fail

This is a Public Service Announcement for all Etsy crafters, Malbers2 in particular:


This, no matter what you intended and regardless of how much you would like it to be, is not a punch bowl. It just isn't. What it is, though, is hideous, and apparently, melting. Punch bowls, you see, are intended for the purpose of holding punch, and are generally large and aesthetically pleasing. This, on the other hand, is just very unfortunate and, let's face it, somewhat depressing. Were I to be at a party that was using this to dole out said party beverages, I think I would have to seriously reconsider my entire social life, that's all I'm saying.


And these, Malbers2, are not a matching set of punch cups, as they are neither matching, nor punch cups. And even if I were to cede that they could, hypothetically, hold some liquid, and are therefore cups, I would counter that given the fact that they physically cannot be put down without emptying themselves entirely they force a commitment to your punch that I am just not sure I am willing to give. I mean, I like punch as much as the next person, but I am all sorts of unwilling to spend the entire length of your next house-party gingerly holding an upside-down ceramic anteater just because you couldn't be bothered to make your cups do the one thing that cups are required to do: hold liquid in a reasonable manner. Instead, your cups hold liquid in an unreasonable manner, sir, and I find it distressing.

Mysterious Jesus Face With Accompanying Hat Selection

Rarely do I come across a crapft so awe-inspiring, so unexplainable, so truly magnificent, I'm at a loss for words. Seriously, I'm having a hard time finding appropriate adjectives for this apparently God-approved item, as it wouldn't even technically qualify as a crapft if it weren't for the seller having needle-felted an assortment of hats purpose-built to highlight just how much the rock they found could look a bit like Jesus if held at the right angle in a certain light and squinting while drunk. I swear to you, I couldn't make this shit up. Oh, and the kicker? It costs $1,500.23 . Not just $1,500, but $1,500.23 . I have a feeling this person's in cahoots with the crafter that DOES NOT USE PATTERNS.


Here are some of the best excerpts from the seller's rather long description (though I highly suggest you check out the whole thing here):

"MYSTERIOUS JESUS FACE / COOL BLACK JESUS FACE / ALL RACES ALL COLORS JESUS FACE RARE LIGHTNING FULGURITE SPECIMEN FROM CO U.S.A.

"This Fulgurite has 3 holes going all the way through that totally resemble eyes and a mouth where the light shines through and it is rumored to look like Jesus's face. He also has a beard.

"There is a blow hole in the center of his forehead created by the lightning that does not go all the way through."

"I MADE HIM A COUPLE OF NEW HATS AND HE IS READY FOR A HOT NIGHT OUT ON THE TOWN!!! :o)

"I hand cut and sewed brown felt to make his Cool hat he is wearing now.
I hand cut and sewed Red Fleece to make his winter stocking cap using invisable hand stitching, used Johnson's Pure Cotton Rounds for the trim on the cap which I ironed on with Heat'n'Bond hem trim adhesive.

"IF YOU DO NOT THINK THIS LIGHTNING FULGURITE LOOKS LIKE JESUS'S FACE PLEASE CONTACT ME AND LET ME KNOW WHO YOU DO THINK HE LOOKS LIKE? IT SEEMS LIKE SOME PEOPLE CAN SEE THE FACE BUT SOME PEOPLE CAN'T OR MAYBE JUST DON'T WANT TO."

"This "Mysterious Jesus Face / Cool Black Jesus Face / All Races All Colors Jesus Face" rare Lightning Fulgurite is even amazing to stare at the pictures. If you stare at his picture you might go into some kind of a trance and even see a rainbow. :o)

"I am also charging slightly more for this Fulgurite because I will probably
never be able to find another one with a JESUS face like this one has. When I
first saw this fulgurite I said right away this is somebody's face!!! Then the
more I looked at it after I got home I knew it was Jesus's face and the light
came shining through.. So if I don't sell Mysterious JESUS Face I will keep
him!!!!"

So. Fucking. Good.

It's Questionable At Best

I didn't... I didn't know cockatoos were into that kind of thing.

You Don't Say...

I think we can safely file this under the "I Can't Believe This Shit Is For Sale" category, because frankly, I can't believe this shit is for sale. Even better, it is for sale here at the awkward, awkward price of $14.98. Not $14.95, not $15. No, it costs exactly $14.98. Because, you know, if it had been $15 I wouldn't have bought it, but $14.98 sounds like a perfectly reasonable price.

Let's see what the artist has to say about their creation, shall we?

"Sophia is the cutest little gal you will ever meet. She is soft and cream colored with bright yellow features. She will bring lots of hours of play fun and sweet dreams for your little girl or boy.

I DO NOT use any patterns. These little guys are my creations of the moment so each is unique."

I loooooove love love love how the artist feels the need to point out, highlight, and specify the fact that they do not use any patterns, as if the viewer is seriously looking at it and thinking to themselves "Wow. You know, this is just far too good, really. I just can not believe it was handmade. It just looks so, so professional, and like it was made using a pattern. And it only costs somewhere between $14.95 and $15? Will the wonders never cease."

How To Look Unbelieveably Awesome In One Easy Step (part deux)

If this isn't the awesomest book about knitted and crocheted slippers ever written, I seriously need to reassess my official position on books written about knitted and crocheted slippers. I mean, just look at it - we appear to have the Jolly Green Giant's leisure footwear at the top, followed by what can only be described as the lovechild between a 1950's style mop-head and an albino Muppet softly sucking on a lady's feet. Those two styles, though, they obviously pale in comparison to the simply magnificent Himalayan Smurf crocheted shinguards/yodeling sock combo. Lordy, those are amazing. I think I need a pair of them immediately, for all of my various knitted shin guard/yodeling sock needs.

Gaah!

Sorry about the impromptu sabbatical there, everyone. As it turns out, my computer died peacefully in its sleep on Thursday night, and so for the time being I might have to use the library or some such unheard-of nonsense in order to continue making crafters feel ashamed of themselves. A pity, I know. I'm especially sad as I had all sorts of really good pictures of crapfts that I had lined up to post, but that's the way life goes sometimes. I guess Sharon Stone might call it karma.

So please, bear with me the next week or two until I get this situation all figured out, and then we'll be in the clear.

<3,
JuliaD

Why's That Tiny, Naked Man Crying?

For those days you need reminding just what the hell it is that you've been breastfeeding:

It's A Bit Unsettling, Let's Be Honest

"What is this necklace made out of" you ask?
"Why, bobcat, of course" I respond.
"Bobcat" you ask?
"Yes, bobcat." I respond.
"What do you mean, bobcat" you ask?
"I mean, this necklace is made out of freaking bobcat. It is bobcat. As in, the necklace... it is bobcat." I respond.
"So those are..." you lead.
"Yes, those are bobcat bones" I respond.
"And that is.." you ask?
"Yes, that is a bobcat tooth" I respond.
"Is it..." You lead.
"Yes... It is real." I respond. "And that is apparently all you need to know."

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Duuuuuude

Given that Easter is right around the corner and, as we all know, nothing says "Jesus died and then came back to life before disappearing entirely from a cave" quite like pink bunnies laying eggs, so I thought I'd appease the marshmallowed forces that be and slap this lil guy up to help herald in this not-at-all-pagan holiday. Though, truthfully, I can't be sure if it is a bunny in the process of eating a small child, or a small child wearing a startled bunny. Or what, exactly, it is made out of. Or what happened to its limbs. Or what the hell it is, really. Nonetheless, this is extremely pink and shiny and I'm guessing covered in pop-rocks so if it doesn't fit the bill for a thoroughly religious Easterday, I couldn't tell you what does.

Oh, and it would seem that I may have been ripped off by another site (although, to be fair, I'm a big fan of their work). Here's mine, dated March 4th, and here's theirs, dated April 1st. If it's true, I guess I'm flattered?

I Don't.... I Just Don't Know

So, I, uh... ...

Maybe it's like...

Or, if, well...

it, uh... ...


Yeah, I got nothing.

Please Don't Macramake (See What I Did There?) Me Any Of This Tomfuckery

See, this magazine says "Practical Macrame with an accent egu" but I have my doubts. Because while I'm not arguing the fact that it may be macrame, and it may have an accent egu, I'm not completely sold on the fact that it is practical. Is it hideous? Absolutely. Is it something to wear? I guess so. Is it able to catch fish in the rainy season? Definitely. But is it practical? Well, I dare you - I absofuckinglutely dare you to tell me how this macramess will add a level of practicality to your wardrobe that has heretofore gone unnoticed. In fact, I'll give you a whole dollar if this is anything other than just bizarrely hideous. Because, let's face it, this is just bizarrely hideous.



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Paint Fumes Are Never Wasted In The Company Of A Crafter

As all of my oldest friends can tell you, I love an obscure phrase as much as a toucan likes a good laugh in the afternoon, but let me tell you, this crapft is as fug as a tightrope-walking pony after breakfast. But, you know what they say: You can't tell a midget to hula-hoop in the rain, although truthfully, who would want to.

Chicken sandwich.