Dear God I Hope I Don't Get Sued.

So I don't mean to get on a fashion kick lately, but there's just so much of this shit, given that the new collections just rolled out. And by "it" I mean "hideous crap" and by "new collections" I mean "Major Fashion Houses that Should Know Better." And I just had to share this little gem I came across earlier today on TheSun.co.uk.

For those of you not in the UK, The Sun is a "newspaper" that focuses on "important" "news items" from around the nation in a "non-biased" and totally "cerebral manner" (read: a glorified English News Of The Weird that interviews the likes of the utterly unimportant and totally inconsequential like Katie Price and Peaches Geldof. Seriously, for your own sanity, please don't click the hotlinks. Save yourself, my tender Americans. Save yourselves.)

Anyway, I was perusing this most important of news sources yesterday, and unwittingly stumbled across the most bewildering of columns: A how-to for expensive home-made fashion. As I'm sure you are already well-aware, I am no fan of the idiotic tutorial, and to find this with the thrown-in high-class factor made me positively giddy with delight. And pointed laughter. But mostly delight.

So here we go - the step-by-step totorial to creating a Ben De Lisi - like shirt. Enjoy the crazy.

Food-splattered shirt

Designer version (on the left): £1,000 by Ben De Lisi

Sun version (on the right): FREE

You will need:

An old white shirt, a bit of net curtain, red wine, green pesto, tomato ketchup, make-up, glue, scissors.

Step 1:

Cut the net curtain in circles and glue to shirt wrists.

Step 2:

Splatter ketchup, pesto, wine and make-up on the shirt until it's dirty.

Et finis

And you know what? I don't even know what to tell you. Take an old button-down and rub it with ketchup and baby vomit and suddely it's high fashion, I guess. Half of me is saying "wow, that's disgusting" and the other half is saying "finally, I have a use for all those shirts I've drunkenly puked on. Win."

Click here for more amazing fashion advice!! Thanks The Sun!

Ugly and Useless? Worth Every Penny!

Ever since I started this website a long, long time ago last December, I've slowly been building up a collection of knitted food items. Why I've done this should be immensely apparent - not only are knitted food items ridiculously useless, but they are pretty damn hideous, as well. For example:

This is a knitted plate of knitted scrambled eggs. Why, I couldn't tell you.

Or how about these:

They're knitted 'healthy sandwiches'. And I have no freaking clue what you're supposed to do with them. Keep them on a table in the living room and every once in a while humorously pick one up and pretend to eat it and go "Om num num" before you fall into a fit of pre-pubescent-esque giggling? Offer one to a friend after you tell them that you made lunch and then laugh heartily at your own heretofore unrecognized hilariousness? Just look at them in disdain while you wish they were real sandwiches? I wish I knew. I wish I knew.

Lastly, though, this was the photo that pushed me over the edge, and forced me to finally confront my fears:

What is it, you ask? It's a crocheted dollop. A freaking crocheted dollop with a crocheted minty sprig. A dollop of what, I have absolutely no clue. Is it a dollop of asanine? A dollop of bat-shit crazy? A dollop of you-need-to-get-a-job-immediately? Personally, I think it is a dollop of Mildly-Retarded. And I don't agree with its point of view.