You Got a Little Something... Right there... No... On Your Nose... No.. On the Right...

Aaaaaaand this was on the ETSY frontpage.  I give up.  They're just handing it to me at this point.

Give Us Today Our Daily Bread. And Butter. And Owl.

What is it with this apparent zeal for handcrafted representations of foodstuffs? What am I missing here? Has Martha Stewart, say, had a damascene conversion and designed some crazy new diet which demands that instead of baking and eating that delicious tray of cup cakes you now instead knit it?

There are bountiful examples so I shall limit myself today to that most humble but comforting of comestibles, cooked bread.

Here's a genial and sexy looking slice of toast, made, it would seem, out of leopard skin. In a lacy tutu, if you please:


The caption excitedly asks us "Don't you just love toast???"

Why, yes. Yes, I do. That's why I eat the freaking stuff rather than wasting hours of time, yards of felt and vats of glue making an anthropomorphic wholemeal doppelgänger.

Toast with a face is a recurring theme. Say hello to the woefully unimaginatively named 'Mister Toast':


He looks a bit glum; but an understandable lack of enthusiasm for the project prevents some people sewing on any sort of visage at all, making it all the more pointless:


How about a delicious pat of butter to spread on that lovely, er, grey bread?


Again with the face. And I think it's wearing blusher. (Blusher for butter = blutter. Perhaps).

Here's some handiwork that was called an 'owl'. Right. I'm guessing that it was another felted slice of toast that went wrong, with some big old owly eyes and beak hurriedly stuck on:


Even so, it still looks more akin to burnt bread than to anything strigiforme.

Unless ... unless all the rest are a succession of owl crafts that went so badly awry they had to be called toast. Either way, I'm not buying it. In more ways than one.

G. Henry

Another Devastating Sign Of The Times

It isn't that this plush owl isn't kind of cute, because it is... it's just that.... uhm... well, this was made by Martha Stewart. I swear to god I'm not kidding - I wouldn't joke about the Messiah of Crafting like that; she's far too terrifying an overlord. The picture even has "MarthaStewart.com" on the bottom right corner, which is quite a coincidence because that's exactly where I found that picture.

It's not just me, is it? I mean, that thing is shockingly badly put together, right? The whole thing is wonkiness personified, correct?

Either I'm starting to lose my mind or Martha's had to make some cut-backs in her company's "Let's Make Things Look Reasonably Attractive, Or At Least Reasonable" department.


And before I forget, I want to thank Quirkyloon so much for not only awarding me what is quite possibly the most indecipherable-freaking-excuse-for-an-award-ever (but of course I'll take it) at her hilarious site here, but also writing a tear-jerking piece about how fucking awesome I am at humorbloggers.com. It's a must-read for anyone who wants to spend time worshiping me and my supremely hilarious ways, which should be everyone, let's be honest. Feel free to print it out and mail it to everyone you know - I won't mind. Really.