They Do Say Whales Evolved From A Bear-Like Animal.

So evidently this week is "what the hell did you knit" week here at homemade hilarity. Which was unplanned, to be honest (and so was Jesus, so I don't want to hear it), but I'm gonna roll with it while I can.

Today's little gem comes from Etsy. Shocking, I know.

And yes, they're a couple of MerBears. That's right. MerBears. Mer...Bears. Knitted MerBears. Knitted button-eyed MerBears. Knitted, button-eyed, multicolour MerBears. With flippers.

Flippered MerBears.

Who knew.

Stop the presses!

Everybody shut up! Stop what you're doing! Cancel the contest! Drop those groceries, where we're going we don't need groceries. Shut up I say.

You with the baby, tell it to shut up. Okay. Is everyone sitting down? Is the baby sitting down? Okay, pay attention because I just found the worst handmade item in HoHil History. Something so inappropriate in its conception and so disturbing in its final state that it makes Julia's crocheted placenta look like your Nana's Amish quilt.




Feast your eyes on that, why don't you? That is, if any part of your body can still feast. I don't think I will be feasting ever again. That. Is. A. Placenta. Teddy Bear. And it ain't the crocheted kind of placenta neither.

First they came to give me menstrual blood paintings, and I did not speak up because I was not a womyn. Then they came to give me placenta teddy bears, and I did not speak up, because I have never been to Burning Man. Then they came to give me earrings made of spit and flower vases made of soiled diapers, and by then there was no one to speak up for me.

(That's how it goes, right?)

(More information at Inhabitots where I found it.)

You Don't Say...

I think we can safely file this under the "I Can't Believe This Shit Is For Sale" category, because frankly, I can't believe this shit is for sale. Even better, it is for sale here at the awkward, awkward price of $14.98. Not $14.95, not $15. No, it costs exactly $14.98. Because, you know, if it had been $15 I wouldn't have bought it, but $14.98 sounds like a perfectly reasonable price.

Let's see what the artist has to say about their creation, shall we?

"Sophia is the cutest little gal you will ever meet. She is soft and cream colored with bright yellow features. She will bring lots of hours of play fun and sweet dreams for your little girl or boy.

I DO NOT use any patterns. These little guys are my creations of the moment so each is unique."

I loooooove love love love how the artist feels the need to point out, highlight, and specify the fact that they do not use any patterns, as if the viewer is seriously looking at it and thinking to themselves "Wow. You know, this is just far too good, really. I just can not believe it was handmade. It just looks so, so professional, and like it was made using a pattern. And it only costs somewhere between $14.95 and $15? Will the wonders never cease."

Avert Your Eyes If You're Under 18

While there is no way I can be absolutely positive, I am told this is exactly what it looks like. Which is, naturally, a... ehm... well... it kinda looks like..... ...... frankly, something completely unsuitable for young children. Or older children. Or anyone outside the gynaecological profession, for that matter. Seriously, I think this teddy bear should really get that looked at. It's just unnatural.