I Kind Of Want A Giant Umbrella Boat Now.

I've been feeling a bit stressed out at work recently, but you know what's cheered me up no end?  This £99,500 painting of a pair of disembodied, levitating hands reaching out to a very, very pale Michael Jackson riding in a massive umbrella with his children on what I can only assume to be a sea of delusion and perpetual atonement.  And this brightens my day.

Why riding in an umbrella? Why the hell not? Why are his very-much-alive kids with him on this trip down the proverbial River Styx?  Because this piece of artistic genius will not be shackled, yes, SHACKLED, by facts.  Why £99,500?  Because clearly £99,00 wasn't enough but £100,000 was, you know, too much. There are many things that you could say about this artist, but apparently being greedy isn't one of them.

Rock on

You know how DIY projects sort of wax and wane in their trendiness? Knitting is really hip for a while, and then baking cupcakes is totally in, and then it's canning your own vegetables, and so on? Well, I happen to be a trend-spotter for various magazines and publications that are so bleeding edge trendy that they don't even have names... you just have to know which one I'm talking about by my inflection. Maybe a wink and and handkerchief semaphore. And my trend-forecast for this time next year--pay close attention now, because you'll be able to say you heard it here first--is People Going to Public Parks and Stealing Stuff Off the Ground, Painting Awkward Hearts on It, And Re-Selling It on Ebay. The great thing about this activity is it's eco-friendly, since you are using natural materials, and also because you are making nature less boring-and-nature-colored and more beautiful and puffy-paint-colored. What is more friendly to the eco than that? This works with rocks, fallen leaves, flat sticks, chunks of turf, docile woodland animals, neighborhood children, and those creepy single shoes that are always lying in the road near public parks.

The Jokes, They Write Themselves

This outstanding masterpiece of a fail is named, I kid you not, "Love's Catastrophe". And to be fair, I'm totally willing to give the artist points for honesty (especially as they're clearly not going to get any points for discernible artistic talent), because for obvious reasons, while I don't love this, it certainly does count as a catastrophe. Which is something, I guess.

It's Questionable At Best

I didn't... I didn't know cockatoos were into that kind of thing.

Paint Fumes Are Never Wasted In The Company Of A Crafter

As all of my oldest friends can tell you, I love an obscure phrase as much as a toucan likes a good laugh in the afternoon, but let me tell you, this crapft is as fug as a tightrope-walking pony after breakfast. But, you know what they say: You can't tell a midget to hula-hoop in the rain, although truthfully, who would want to.

Chicken sandwich.

I'm Bringing Sexy Back (Possibly NSFW)

Lordy lordy lordy, look what I found: if these aren't the sexiest things you've ever seen, you don't know sexy like I know sexy. Because believe me, these are tittilating.

Just look at his rippling ass-muscles, gleaming under a thick layer of crisco and spray-tan. Feel seduced by the way he's coyly biting his finger in a manner which suggests that if he were to have a platter handy, his ass would be on it and he would be gifting it to you. Fall prey to the way he's charmingly posing backwards and naked with a motorcycle, as if you just accidentally cought him while he was naked and backwards on his motorcycle. Let his neanderthalish good looks whisk you off to your special no-no place of pure sex. Rawr.

Ooh, let's call this sexy beast Julio, shall we? Julio wants you desperately and longingly to come hither and will stare at you uncomfortably until you do so, which of course no girl (or some guys) can resist. And while Julio's legs may be freakishly small, at least his boobs are a c-cup! At long last, my wildest exotic man-boobie fantasies have come to life!

Unadulterated Jackassery

So I was being a jackass the other day and I managed to sprain my ankle quite thoroughly. Hard to imagine, I know - me being a jackass. But yes, it is true, and now the couch and I are becoming well acquainted. And, while I lay here in my unending mire of self-pity, milking it for all it's worth, I'm left to simply sit and continuously contemplate the full depths of my jackassery, which trust me, is as extensive as you think it is. My one consolation, though, through all of this, is that the world of crafting has once again shown me that there are always bigger jackasses than me, which is always mildly reassuring.

For example, what jackass thought this shit was okay:


It's called "Sunrise From A Blind Man's Eyes", which would be fine, except for the fact that the artist isn't blind. He's just a jackass. A JAckass with a capital J (and A as well- It's a typo but I'm keeping it) that thinks that blind people can see colors, but only when they're splattered and primary. If I were blind, and I could see this, I would be freaking offended.

Oh, I'm feeling better already. It's amazing how thoroughly mocking someone else's jackassery can raise a person's spirits. Sunny days ahead, my friends, sunny days ahead.

Let's Play a Game!

Alright, everyone! Gather round, for it is time to play "Name That Badly Painted Face!" All of these timeless masterpieces were found for sale on Etsy.com, none less than $200. They're a steal, I tell you, a steal. And while the subjects of these objets d'art may be obvious for any true connoisseur of the d'arts, I'm willing to bet that the average reader of HomemadeHilarity will have no idea. We're not a sophisticated bunch over here, now are we.

So, let's have a little contest! Take a careful look at the three paintings, and leave your guesses for their identities in the comments, along with your name, email, and your website (if you have one). The winner will get a framed copy of one of the paintings they can hang on their massive wall of trophies. I swear to god.

And, because I'm awesome, I'll give you two hints:
1) They're all celebrities from film and tv, and
2) #1 and #3 are somehow related, beyond both being borne of the same artistic genius.

#1

#2

#3

I would also like to say "Thank You" at this junction, to everyone who reads this site regularly. For the first time since HomemadeHilarity began (just under two months ago), we broke the 1000 mark for unique visitors in one day yesterday, and I'm one proud mama. Hopefully we'll continue along this path, and eventually 0wn j00r 1nt3rn3ts!!!111

Also, at this junction, I would like to point out to you lot that there are two of us writing for this site. There is myself, Julia D, and my cohort JK. While our writing styles may be similar, you can tell us apart because she's the funny one. If in doubt, just look where it says "posted by" underneath each post, and that should be pretty self-explanatory.

So with that, let the games begin!! Guessing ends tomorrow night, NY time.

Apparently $220 Can Buy You Blatant Racism, Even In Today's Market

I just found this painting for sale on Etsy.com for $220. Yep, for 220 big ones, this "art" can be yours. But don't just take it from me, let's find out what the painter has to say:
"This great illustration for a tragic play is colorfully disturbing. From beautiful Helen to the piercing swastica and angry serpent, it is truly a feast for the eyes and mind. This is a large piece and is great for any collector."

I wonder, though, "any collector" of what? Swastica paraphernalia? Because I really can't see anyone else wanting this travesty hanging above their dining room table, even if it is "truly a feast for the eyes and mind". And since when was nazi Germany written into the plot-line for the story of the Trojan Horse? Did I just miss that day in 7th grade history class that explained the intrinsic connection between charming ancient Greek mythology and the most savage and extensively bloody mass-genocide of 11 million peoples in known history? And, it seems, snakes? And badly-drawn trees floating mid-air?

Color me befuddled and slightly horrified.