Frogspotting

Hey Julia I found one of those rock frogs you were talking about. In it's natural habitat.



This picture was titled "frog in pong", which I guess is like a pond only instead of being made of water it's made of an old AOL free trial CD flipped upside down and covered in pebbles. All things being equal, I think I might prefer the 600 minutes of hissing CHHHHHHHZZZZZTT EEEOOOOEEEEOOOOO dial-up to having to look at that thing for even one minute.

Hopefully this is from the same person who posted the step-by-step tutorial on rock frogs. I would hate to think they got someone else hooked on this lifestyle. (Rock frogs are a known gateway crapft.)

How To Set Yourself Up For A Plea Of Insanity. One Step At A Time.

I'm going to take you on a journey today, folks. A journey into the deliciously magical, fantastically whimsical, and dangerously insane world of the freelance crapft tutorialist. These people exist in a strange, strange world wherein they believe that 1) they have talent, 2) their talent is so exceptional that it must be shared and 3) the sharing of said talent is going to be so difficult for mere mortals to understand that a step-by-step tutorial is an absolute necessity. Unfortunately, these crazies are wrong on all three counts. Especially the part about talent. And needing to share it.

For example, I recently came across this brilliant masterpiece of an artistic tutorial on CutOutAndKeep.net entitled, optimistically, Rock Frog. This work of sheer genius is so overwhelmingly clever, so startlingly well-crafted, you'll have to do your best to keep up. Especially at step 2. Which is why I've added my own commentary in red. Enjoy the excellence.

Rock Frog Tutorial

(You better believe this fronting picture sucked me in.)

Step 1

Paint the rock green (or any color your want your frog to be)

(If you're seeing a rock anywhere in this picture, let me know. All I'm seeing is a moldy squashed marshmallow in the foreground. Next to a green puddle. And a CD.)

Step 2

Cut the pipe cleaner in half and shap them into legs by bending the right end back then up at angle then down at an angle about an inch over and then bend at an angle forward and twist it back and then around the edge of the foot. Repeat to make the legs for the other side of the frog.

(Tip: Make sure to bend the legs at an angular angle before you bend them back and up at the upward angle before twisting them down and forward and back and back again after you angle them forward while bending them upward. Otherwise it might not work.)

Step 3

Glue the legs on to the bottom of the frog.

(Ehm. Yes. Attach mangled pipecleaners to painted rock. It should, at this point, look kind-of roughly like a miniature green poo with a fuzzy green hat. We're almost done.)

Step 4

Glue the eyes on the frog and draw on a mouth (and warts on the back if you would like) with the black marker and spray with clear acrylic paint and allow to dry (this was done before I put him outside, but the picture did not turn out).

(Wow. Just wow. Understatement of the year, there, Captain fucking obvious. Way to go.)



On a side note.... The winners of our "what the hell is this" competition have been finalized! While many of you were close, Carla was the closest with "horrifically deformed fertility doll," so she gets a gold star, as do Sarah and DH for coming up with the most creative answer: "some sort of jock cup that comes with matching underpants that you can button it into." Cause that's just hilarious. And needs to be invented. If you want to see the original listing, click here!

And for Carla, Sarah, and DH, go on peeps and claim your prize!:

How To Look Unbelieveably Awesome In One Easy Step

Do you have someone really special in your life? Someone really special in like a "isn't s/he special" kinda way? Someone really special in like a "takes-the-short-bus-to-market" kinda way? Someone really special in like a "likes-to-eat-the-glue-and-sometimes-the-pink-chalk-as-well" kinda way? Because if you know someone like that, or if that person just happens to be you (you know who you are), well, I've finally found what you've undoubtedly been looking for: good quality, attractive, not-at-all-hilarious helmet covers.


Aww, bless. Isn't he just darling, sitting there all happy at the K-mart photo studio, safely strapped into his massive helmet, not a care in the world. Either that, or what I can only assume is a frog is giving birth to a fully-clothed human baby and someone managed to get it on film. This one's totally going on the mantle.


Is your helmet not noticeable enough? Would you like to look even more, uhm, outstanding? Well, just slap on this hot little red number and watch in amazement as the amount of mockery you already receive triples, almost instantaneously. It's perfect, really, for any hardcore helmeting enthusiast.


Ooh, this helmet cover is almost awesome enough to make me wish I had a helmet with which to put it on. In fact, I think that if you do have a helmet, this should be the mandatory cover for it. In fact, I think that even if you don't have to wear a helmet it should still become mandatory to wear a helmet just because you would then have to put this helmet cover on it. In fact, I think it should just become mandatory to strap a dead coyote to your head when leaving the house in general.


I think we could all learn something from this lady here: why look like you're just wearing a normal helmet when you could be looking like you're wearing a hideously massive and malformed 17th century felt cap?


Thanks to David D for sending me these links!



Note: making fun of those with disabilities is never okay, especially when the disability is severe enough to cause a person to have to wear protective headgear. So I apologize for that. Please don't send me any angry emails; I feel bad enough already as is.

I'm going to hell for this, aren't I.