Homemade Hilarity

So Here's The Story, Morninglory

2010-03-05T23:57:00.000Z

I just wanted to post a quick update on here for everyone who's been wondering what the hell just happened to me. Basically, I got sick. I got real sick. I got acute tonsillitis which turned into septecemia, which I'm still fighting off. So don't worry - I'm on all sorts of meds, but I'm basically just really exhausted. All the freaking time. So just bear with me, my lambs, and I seriously hope to be 100% as soon as possible. And then we'll bring back teh awesome.

I also wanted to throw it out there that if anyone wants to do some guest posts in the meantime, please just email me at mizzdrake@hotmail.com and let me know, and we'll see what we can work out.

<3,
Julia

Quartopus

2010-02-14T23:39:00.003Z

Hmm... something, something is not right here. Can't.. quite... put my finger on it.... ...
It just feels, you know, like something integral to the very fabric of what makes an octopus an octopus may be missing here....

But I quite like the disgruntled expression. It looks like he just hiccupped and farted a little bit at the same time. That's always attractive in a crocheted aquatic animal.

Yes. An Adult Made This. Proudly.

2010-02-03T01:48:00.001Z

My understanding is that wine coolers had nothing to do with this. So there's really no excuse.

How to Look Unbelieveably Awesome, Part 4

2010-01-27T03:28:00.000Z

I know, I know. I've been negligent. I'm a bad, bad lady. You can stop sending the sad-face emails. I get it. I've done the internet equivalent of leaving my dog/baby/husband in the car for a week during the summer with the windows rolled up. And nothing but Mountain Dew to drink. But I'm back, at the very least showing my face to claim the carcass of whatever may be left of my lovely website. And to show my undying devotion to you, my lovely and patient readers, I'm going to present you with one of my favourite tutorials ever. EVER. I forgot where I found it, but it shows, concisely, how to make yer own haute couture using the jeans you got too fat for years ago.

Here we go! Step one: grab your old jeans (you know, the ones you were only able to wear for one season back in '05)

Step 2: Cut these, uh, shapes, out of the denim. These non-matching, dirty-looking shapes. Don't worry - you're 90% of the way there.

Step 3: Sew together haphazardly, preferably without adding a lining or even a back of any sort, and try to fray the edges as much as possible for a truly classy look. Remember: sideboob is god's gift to prebubescent boys!

Taa-da! That, my friends, is how to look unbelieveably awesome in just three easy steps.

Tits or ass? Well, I'll tell you.

2010-01-20T01:07:00.001Z

Hi guys! Sorry I've been away for a few days. I've been, you know, doing things. Rescuing orphaned kittens. Saving babies. Helping old ladies cross the road. Trying to find a real job that actually pays real money. That kind of thing. But I'm back, and ready to make fun of more well-meaning crafters.

Anyway, today we're going to take a look at this:

If you said "Jiminy Christmas, that looks like Spongeboob Squarepants" then you would be correct. Because it is. Quite pointedly.

I love a crafter with a good immature pun. I just hope I can find a homemade "Lady-boy and the Tramp" magnet for next week.

When is a sock not a sock?

2010-01-12T00:58:00.000Z

When it's sewn shut, given a Hot-Topic arm-band neck, had its "Hello Kitty" insignias used as eyeballs, and being sold for $20 on Etsy. Then it's just a piece of shit.

Deja Boob

2010-01-07T21:07:00.001Z

Ohmygodyouguys... Remember that camo boob blanket I posted way back when? Yeah. I had noooo idea it was part of a matching set until yesterday, when I came across this:

Which doesn't exactly prove my point until you flip it over and get a face fulla these big ol' rubber baby buggy bumpers:

Somewhere, deep down, in the furthest recesses of my cold, insignificant heart, I actually really love this. It looks comfortable as hell.

I'm back, and bitchier than ever!!!

2010-01-04T23:14:00.000Z

Welcome back, everyone!! Did you lot have a great holiday? I know I sure did. In between getting drunk, eating pies, getting drunk, opening presents, and getting drunk, I spent my time knitting attractive tea cozies:

posting tutorials on cutoutandkeep.net on how to wrap yarn around paper towel tubes:

recreating the Chicago skyline out of gingerbread:

and making an edible USS Enterprise:

No. But I did meet George Takei the day after Christmas. Which was just about the best thing that happened to me last decade. I think we might be getting married.

So what the hell did you get up to? Any fabulous stories to share?

We Have a Winner!!

2009-12-24T05:28:00.001Z

Yes, I know everyone on here is a big loser, but "The Biggest Loser" was already taken. Go figure. So we have a winner! The biggest winner!

And somebody actually guessed correctly what the fuck this glowing Jesus baby is all about: Msunflower! Because it's a glow-in-the-dark Baby Jesus Soap-on-a-rope. Why you need your baby jesuses glowing, soapy and ropey is beyond me, but Msunflower guessed correctly. So (s)he wins my undying love (I know, I'm easy). So, uh, (s)he wins! How the hell (s)he knew what it was, I have no idea. Maybe (s)he has one. I suppose there's nothing like rubbing your nalgas down first thing in the morning wuth a glowing sudsy baby Jesus. Anyway, congrats!

BTW - if you're not following me on facebook yet, click the link in the right-hand-side bar, and it'll be taken care of. Same for twatter.

PS: Fanboy Wife gets the runner-up for also guessing correctly, but guessing late. Sucks to be you.
PPS: My favourite answer was given by Haley. So you also win. Kinda. You're a winner to me.

Humpday Roundup

2009-12-24T01:28:00.001Z

Waaaay creepy reindeer at Unfinished Rambler

Bland cat puke with tub caulk at CraftFail

Dog asshole cover at Etsy WTF

Trailer-trash barbie at Craftastrophe

God-awful knitwear at What Not To Crochet

Lookit! How Cool Am I?!

2009-12-23T02:25:00.000Z

So I'm finally making some changes around here, as you may have noticed. I'm doing my darndest to make this site a bit more user-friendly and attractive, and I hope you approve! There's still a lot more to come, but if there's anything you want to see specifically, just let me know in the comments.

Also, if you haven't ventured a guess yet in yesterday's "What The Hell Is This?" competition, you still gots time.

<3,
JuliaD

Another What The Hell Is This? Competition - Christmas Special

2009-12-22T17:51:00.001Z

Alright folks: what the hell do you think this is? And I need you to be specific. Because it's obviously glowing. But what do you think it's for? I'll print the answer, along with the best guesses, tomorrow!

Seriously - What's Going On With All The Angry Jesuses?

2009-12-22T02:39:00.000Z

And where would we be in this most festive of seasons, my kind and gentle readers, without the obligatory Angry Felt Tortilla Jesus? Nowhere, I tell you. Nowhere.

W.W.C.J.D? (What Would Crocheted Jesus Do?)

2009-12-21T18:42:00.002Z

Continuing our countdown to Jesus' birthday, I bring you my favourite Jesus ever (EVER):

Yay! Happy crochet googley-eyed Jesus! With less-than a nose (hah! see what I did there?) and a penchant for chocolate cake, evidently. So what would crocheted Jesus do? Give you a big chocolatey hug while simultaneously poking you with his eyeball, obviously.

Don't Get Jesus Angry. You Wouldn't Like Him When He's Angry. (NSFW)

2009-12-20T23:14:00.001Z

So I've been holding onto various Jesus crapfts I've come across recently, just waiting for the right time to permanently ruin some retinas as well as my soul. Given that this is the run-up to the Big Guy's birthday, I thought this would be the obvious time to share my goodies. Now, before I start getting death-threats, I do want to point out that I'm only going to be cruely mocking the quality of said Jesus crapfts, not mocking your religion itself and everything you stand for and worship in life. There's a difference. That said, expect to see some spectacularly bad Jesus paraphanalia in the next couple days. It'll be a Holiday Jesus Extravaganza!

This true masterpiece of modern art was painted by a guy named Vale (on ETSY), and although he doesn't seem to feel the need to explain why his Jesus is packin' some serious wedding tackle but completely lacking in the nipple department, he fortunately does feel the need to share his, well, motivation. And it's not crazy in the least :

"Inspired by my on suffering.
symbolicaly it represents my williness to suffer or even die before i give up in what i believe. Like a true revolutionary i would sacrifice myself in order to further a cause or personal freedom."

Ah yes. You know, I've been telling people for years that this Vale character is a true revolutionary - a voice of my generation even. He's really defining martyrdom, I say, one angry hulk Jesus peen at a time. And at only $75, this historic piece of artwork is a steal!

You Got a Little Something... Right there... No... On Your Nose... No.. On the Right...

2009-12-20T01:35:00.000Z

Aaaaaaand this was on the ETSY frontpage. I give up. They're just handing it to me at this point.

I Wish You an Angry Christmas and a Terribly Serious New Year

2009-12-18T21:47:00.001Z

This? Yeah, this scares the crap outta me.

It's Going to be a White Christmas After All! A White, Powdery, Possibly Illegal Christmas.

2009-12-18T00:24:00.001Z

I have big news, everyone! It's our birthday! Believe it or not, Homemade Hilarity has been spewing vitriol, darkening doorways, and making crafters cry tears of spite for an entire year now. What a wonderful achievement! I feel like I've really done something to, you know, to like, better society and shit. So pass me a tall warm glass of Champale cause I'm gonna celebrate!

To help ring in a brand new holiday season, and to commemorate HH's milestone, I've compiled a simple guide to creating your very own elegant, classy, young-Hollywood-chic Christmas (brought to you by ETSY!). You know, for when you want to feel like you're really living the high-life of all the Winehouses and Hiltons out there, but can't afford to splash out on real cocain and herpes, Homemade Hilarity is here to help. Because we love you.

Rule 1: Don't bother buying a Christmas tree. Seriously. Just don't bother. You'll only get tangled in the strings of lights in one of your nightly drunken stupors and wake up wrapped around a spruce with your pants round your knees and your jingle bells in an awkward situation. Instead, just chop some springs off your neighbor's juniper, shove them into a toilet paper tube, and sprinkle some of your leftover crack dust over the whole mess and call it a day. Otherwise, you could just buy this fine specimen from ETSY for $32. Either way.

Rule 2: Buy lots of these "Silver Japanese Maple" (wink wink) ornaments. And hang them EVERYWHERE. Everywhere. Because they're elegant. And tooootally representative of your love for "Silver Japanese Maple" leaves. Yes. That's right. Maple leaves. Non-smokeable Maple leaves.

Rule 3: Dig out all of your used pipe cleaners (and I know you have lots of used pipe cleaners) and get to work. With a lot of old pipe cleaners, and only a little bit of talent, you, too can create this beautiful, uh, thing. This $7 thing. Mouse ... I'm told it's a mouse. This lovely $7 mouse.

Rule 4: Lastly, do whatever you can to get your hands on this season's Lindsay Lohan snowman figurine! From the "snow" on her nose to her emaciated frame, this is sure to be a hit with all the deluded starlets this holiday season. For only $65, this anorexic trippy-eyed treat should take pride-of-place on any cigarette-stained mantle or glass-topped coffee table.

Hope this guide will be of some help, all you crazy hipster kids out there. Just, you know, enjoy Christmas responsibly. Don't drink and drive and all that. And lay off the wacky tobaccy. And crack is whack. And stay in school. Hugs, not drugs, kids.

Also, feel free to send birthday presents! We love birthday presents! We also love posting birthday presents! Presents sent to us in the form of fun pictures! We love posting them with links back to the birthday present picture sender! (not so subtle wink wink).

Humpday Roundup

2009-12-17T02:26:00.001Z

So this week's Humpday Roundup is surprisingly short, due to the fact that most of the other crapft blogs have stopped updating (and one ripped off one of my posts, and I'm not going to promote that kind of narsty behavior), but on the flip side, this week's roundup has also gotten surprisingly NSFW. And as we all know, one dirty crapft is equal to like, 10 normal crapfts. So there we are. Enjoy.

Naked crocheted doll from What Not To Crochet. Zexy.

Strange vintage record coasters at EtsyWTF

The nastiest, most pornographic plush textile I have ever seen, at Craftastrophe.
Seriously - don't click this link if you're at work. You probably won't get fired, but your boss will think you're into some kind of kinky freaky shit. And that's just embarrassing.

Uh oh, Scooby, it's Professor Pickle!

2009-12-13T21:15:00.000Z

We're on the case! Pam the Ulcer-colored Puff has been kidnapped. She's chained up in someone's backyard and it's up to us to find out who did it.

Look at the sadness in her wee little felt eyes. That sick bastard sent this photo to us with a demand for 14.95 in ransom money. That seems a little steep, I'm not sure Pam is worth that sort of scratch, so why don't we just ask around and see if anyone knows what's up.

Dishrag Danny says "Pam the Ulcer-colored Puff? That dang dumb broad is always gettin into trouble. Frig her an her crappin problems!" Dishrag Danny has a filthy mouth that probably harbors many unsavory bacteria, but he does tell us that Professor Pickle has been acting suspiciously. We go to Professor Pickle's Saggy Lair and confront him.

"Yes, I kidnapped her! I did it, alright?" Professor Pickle shouts haughtily as his pea soup suit sags majestically in the corner. "I needed the cash to buy myself a working nose. Have you seen this thing I'm rocking? I don't even know how my glasses stay on, it's an embarassment. All the other Professors look down their noses at me, and how can I respond? My life is a carnival of shame."

Case closed!

Ahem.

2009-12-11T10:00:00.001Z

This is obviously a reconstruction of a, uhm, cat's ear. Yeah, that's right, a cat's ear. Definitely a cat's ear. I don't know what you thought it was at first, but I'm telling you this is a big, hairy cat's ear. For, you know, those times when you want to dress like a pussy. Cat. Pussy cat.

"Happy Santa Embryo with Candy Cane"

2009-12-11T02:30:00.001Z

You just can't make this shit up:

"This little embryo is waiting for Santa with his Santa hat and candy cane.
He glows a little because I mixed glow in the dark clay with the flesh color."

Evidently, not only is this a happy santa embryo with candy cane, but it's a glowing happy santa embryo with candy cane. My head asplodes.

Thanks ETSY!

Either/Or

2009-12-11T00:00:00.001Z

You decide:

Crocheted mega-mushroom, or nerf football with polyp?

(God, how I want this to be a nerf. I love those things. Even with cancerous tumors.)

Humpday Roundup

2009-12-09T18:58:00.000Z

T-rex gloves from Kraftomatic

Flotsam from What Not to Crochet

Knitted power cord from EtsyWTF

Michael Jackson beaded amulet from Craftastrophe

Doll/blanket/doll blanket/blanket doll/monkey from CraftFail

BTW - if you're noticing that the list gets shorter every week, it's only because not all of the sites update regularly. Not because I'm slyly killing them off one by one. Although that's not a bad idea.

Also, if you haven't voted yet in the poll, please do so in the upper right-hand corner of this page. I want to know what you want to see!

The Best Use of $8 That I've Seen All Day.

2009-12-09T14:18:00.001Z

For all you Sonic the Hedgehog fans out there, I hope you know what this is:

Because I have no freaking clue. What I do know, though, is that it is currently on sale at Etsy for $8, and it's supposed to be a Blue Sonic skull, obviously. Bargain!

Elegant Christmas Decor Defined.

2009-12-08T23:17:00.002Z

This christmas, I want my snowmen bumpy,

Lumpy,
And made out of glue.
And evidently, my wish has been granted. Santa does exist.

Look at me! I'm gonna be popular!

2009-12-08T00:57:00.000Z

So it's come to my attention recently that the crapft site(s) that really seem to be drawing a large crowd are the same crapft site(s) that encompass no discernable writing talent. Whatsoever. And ironically, these sites are the ones getting book deals. So I thought I could give it a try (ie: not being clever, or writing very much), seeing as it's much easier anyway, and see what happens. So here we go:Hah! It's a snowman ornament, and it's intentionally hideous! Hilarious!
And you can buy it here!

Now tell all your friends how funny I am so I can get popular!

Hangover Cures of the Gods

2009-12-06T18:21:00.002Z

WWJOFT? (What Would Jesus Order For Take-Out?)

cutoutandkeep.net/projects/lolita-maternity-ish-top

Oh, and this one is still in the planning stage but I will be keeping an eye out for the finished product. Lolita maternity wear! What could possibly go wrong? (Besides 16 getting you 20, of course.) This modern world.... Lolitas having Lolitas... I tell you!

Leave suggestions for what Jesus would order for take-out in the comments! Lord fried rice? Twice risen pizza?

This Doesn't Look Silly. Not At All.

2009-12-04T23:52:00.000Z

Evidently this nice lady is wearing a hand-knitted camo nose-warmer, but I just can't see it. It's as if her nose is just completely gone. Or hidden behind some bushes. Or gone hunting. Or something. I mean, if I were a deer, I would never in a million years see her nose coming. So I guess, in a sense, this is really a win.

Thanks again, ETSY!

Almost as Useful. Almost.

2009-12-04T13:49:00.000Z

You know, I actually gotta hand it to this crapfter. Because you know what I always say: if you can't buy an iphone, drunkenly embroider one out of felt.

Humpday Roundup

2009-12-02T19:12:00.000Z

Alright, folks. Another week, another crapft. Lap it in.

Turkey Coaster(or so I'm told): What Not to Crochet

Tiger Woods in lipstick: Craftastrophe

Hank the Clown: Etsy WTF

Flash Drive Cozy: Kraftomatic

Chicken Purse: What Not to Craft

Bird House/Church/Bordello: Craftfail

This Tomfuckery Must Cease

2009-12-01T01:16:00.000Z

Sometimes, my fellow crapfters, things just don't go to plan. Or they do go to plan, and it just turns out your plan is shit. For example, what must have started out as an ingenious use for old baked potatoes/stale french loaf/massive golden turds quickly turned into, well, this. A permanent pencil holder homage to not knowing when to cut your losses. Thanks again, CutOutAndKeep.net!

eggs on you egg you on

2009-11-28T22:38:00.005Z

Clearly a devious attempt by the powerful Egg Lobby to give you dreams where you nuzzle your face into a pile of fried eggs. That or this is Big Egg's new mascot, Eggy the Vaguely Silky Creature of Leisure.

At least he's better than their first choice, Goldy the Vaguely Lamé Creature of Leisure... hmm, I think I need some assistance telling what creature this is. If only there was some helpful information in pillow form...

Hey, thanks BIRD PILLOW! I remember you! I knew you existed for a reason.

What I'm Thankful For (Brought to You by the Letter C)

2009-11-26T21:17:00.002Z

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! In the spirit of today's homage to massacred Native Americans and gluttony, I bring to you my annual list of things I'm especially thankful for, in no particular order:

1) Crocheted cranberry sauce. Not only is it outstandingly useful but it also has eyeballs! The better to (not really) see you with while you're (not really) eating it!

2) Cupcake cozies. Because my cupcake was getting cold and needed an extra layer of crazy for insulation.

and lastly, 3) Cats in bags. Obviously.

And there it is, everyone! The things I am most thankful for right now; the things that almost thaw my black shriveled raisin of a heart. And if you can bring yourself to take a breather from shoveling turkey down your face-holes for just a minute please feel free to leave a comment as to what you are most thankful for in this most crapft-inspiring of seasons. And then we can all drunkenly point and laugh at you together, thereby continuing to spread the holiday cheer. Yay for Thanksgiving!

Humpday Roundup

2009-11-25T14:42:00.000Z

So I was checking out some of the other crapft sites around the internets, and believe me, there's an infestation of them, when I decided that in the name of Thanksgiving and joyousness and all that crap I should start a weekly segment on Homemade Hilarity giving props to the other funny writers who spend waaay too much time searching out the ugly.

Crocheted Clown birthday cake on What Not To Crochet

Man painting nude on Craftastrophe

Tinsel creature (yeah, I don't know either) on ETSY WTF

Gourd fail on CraftFail

Cheese and crackers vegan soap on Kraftomatic

HelloPepsi necklace on What Not To Craft

Turkey hand at Handmade Gone Wrong

Bronzed(!) cinnamon roll at Glitter Gone Bad

I.. uhm.. Don't Even Know Where To Go With This One

2009-11-24T22:29:00.000Z

So I was just innocently looking up apple recipes on the internet, and this one cought my eye. Dear god, how I wish there were a photo:

APPLE CINNAMON COOKIE DOUGH

Ingredients:

1 cup ground cinnamon

1 cup applesauce

1/4 cup white school glue (optional)

Directions:

Add the cinnamon to the applesauce until you get a clay-like consistency.

You may add glue for added thickness.

Once the dough is mixed, create shapes with your hands or roll the dough out and use cookie cutters.

Add glitter for fun!

Let the dough dry.

PLEASE, dear readers, DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME. Or if you do, I heartily suggest you opt-out of the glue and glitter. Or at least the glue. Shitting glitter could be fun on the weekends.

Seriously, though, these sound like horrible cookies.

Sometimes The Posts Write Themselves

2009-11-24T16:15:00.000Z

So what is this, then? Why, it's a piece of crap on a chain. Literally as well as figuratively. So that's special. In fact, it's $40 worth of special. Or, at least $40 worth of crap on a chain.

Mrs. Winehouse Has Never Looked Finer. Or Healthier.

2009-11-23T00:36:00.001Z

So here I was today, minding my own business, surfing my own internets, when what do I see in front of me but an article written by The Daily Mail about knitting. I know, I know. To be fair, and to put it in perspective, it was about knitted celebrities. And it was hilarious. And maybe a little bit traumatic. A little bit hilarious and a little bit traumatic. (Which, ironically enough, sums up The Daily Mail quite eloquently.) And, after much chortling and guffawing and pointing spasmically at the knitted Barry White, I decided it would be cruel not to re-post some of the finer specimens. Enjoy.

This Is What A 3-Day Paper-Mache Bender Looks Like.

2009-11-20T01:21:00.002Z

And this, children, is why we don't do drugs. At least, not copious amounts. Well, not this much anyway.

You don't even want to know what happened to Yoshi.

Thanks crewcial.org!

Tomato Tomaahto

2009-11-19T00:14:00.001Z

You say it's an adorable widdle giraffe. I say it's a nose-less llama with smallpox. Or maybe a tick infestation. Or possibly just lots of moles. Crying blood.

See You In The Morning. Have Coffee Ready.

2009-11-18T00:47:00.000Z

Sorry guys! Blogger's broken at the moment, so I can't upload any pictures tonight. Just imagine that I posted a pic of some horrifically badly-made crapft, and added some hilariously witty commentary beneath. Then feel free to comment as you see fit.

Note The Tasteful Use of Empty Bud Light Cans.

2009-11-16T23:25:00.001Z

If this doesn't constitute animal cruelty, I suspect not much does.

Although, in a "that dog is totally going to kill its owner in the middle of the night" kinda way, this is almost kinda awesome.

Hi redditers! If you like this, follow me here or on facebook! Check the right-hand link bar. Lots of extra pics get put up on the facebook page, and of course, new posts daily here on homemadehilarity.com

They Do Say Whales Evolved From A Bear-Like Animal.

2009-11-14T00:03:00.000Z

So evidently this week is "what the hell did you knit" week here at homemade hilarity. Which was unplanned, to be honest (and so was Jesus, so I don't want to hear it), but I'm gonna roll with it while I can.

Today's little gem comes from Etsy. Shocking, I know.

And yes, they're a couple of MerBears. That's right. MerBears. Mer...Bears. Knitted MerBears. Knitted button-eyed MerBears. Knitted, button-eyed, multicolour MerBears. With flippers.

Flippered MerBears.

Who knew.

Life Is So Hard Sometimes.

2009-11-13T00:33:00.001Z

I keep going between these two lovely face-warmers, trying to decide which one I'm going to make for my niece for Christmas. On the one hand, the top picture apparently has a set of knit fingers protruding from the forehead, integrated deep-set wrinkles, and could be trying to slowly digest the child underneath.

On the other hand, the bottom picture is just about the most amazing thing I've ever seen, what with the blue lips/nose combo, the yellow yarmulke with attached fringe, and the copious tufts of ear-hair complete with shiny pink bows.

What to do. What to do.

And The Angry Emails Start In 3......2........

2009-11-12T01:17:00.000Z

And I present to you, my kind and gentle readers, the indomitable "Knitler":

Don't blame me. Blame the internets.

I Don't Even Know What Happened To It, Either

2009-11-11T00:22:00.001Z

To be fair, I think I might be a tad surprised as well if I found out my nose had been sliced off with what would appear to be the craftsmanship of a dull butterknife. Shocked, even. So I feel her on this one.

Something about a turd and whether or not you can polish it.

2009-11-09T01:49:00.001Z

I had to stare at this one for a little while, and I can assure you its only a shiny malformed representation of a decapatated cat on a necklace.

Of course.

Even better than the fact that this crafter has made a sweaty amputated cat head pendant, though, is the description:

"Bear caused a small spill today at the candy factory in Animini City. Sweetkins Avenue was flooded with fairy dust and melted milk chocolate, the resulting chaos turned the Animini workers into candies!

They aren't edible, but they look it!"

ETSY: allowing crafters to sell polished brown lumpy items since 2005.

Is This a Viral PSA Announcement And Nobody Told Me?

2009-11-08T00:39:00.000Z

Well, the dude seems fine, apart from being indoctrinated into the Eagles. The girlette, on the other hand, seems to have suffered a stroke. A severe, severe stroke. A stroke only Picasso could love.

I'll Take Mine With Milk And Two Lumps Of Lint

2009-11-05T01:15:00.000Z

I don't care what this seller says; a massive, chroched, fuzzy pillowcase does not constitute an appropriately-sized, well-made, sleek tea cozy. Or any kind of tea cozy, really. Let's face it.

I'm not even sure i know where i am

2009-11-03T01:50:00.000Z

So I've just survived three days of moving hell (who knew I evidently owned a ware-house full of random crap?) and I'm feeling supremely exhausted. Like, I-can-barely-see-straight kind of exhausted. As in, I'm-having-a-hard-time-typing kind of exhausted. It's an OMG-I-hope-I-don't-die-while-I-write-this kind of exhausted. The kind of exausted where you think you might throw up. Or pass out. Or possibly both at the same time.

I'm so tired.

Enjoy this Saddam Hussein puppet.

Thanks disturbingauctions.com!

Mr. Pumpkinhead Rocks The Hell Out.

2009-10-30T23:21:00.000Z

I think I finally know what I'm going as for Halloween: this guy.

Now I just need to find a black body stocking and an unflappable sense of awesomeness and win.

thanks dlisted.com!

This Looks Like Itching

2009-10-30T01:31:00.001Z

I can think of no finer way to immortalize your favourite hippie-friend/weed-source than to cut off their dreads and fashion a bracelet out of them. Because if there's one thing I want touching my skin at all times, it's the slowly-rotting, severed, follicled remains of a hippie who hadn't washed their hair for so long it eventually fused together. I can almost smell the coconut oil and stale bong water from here.

Almost NSFW. Almost.

2009-10-28T00:00:00.000Z

So this is questionably shaped.

And yes, badly made.
But mostly questionably shaped.
And wearing a tutu.
But unequivocally questionably shaped.
Why no arms? I have no freaking idea. Why a mop for hair? I don't freaking know. Why asleep? I wouldn't want to venture a freaking guess.

But what I do know, in all its glory, it that it looks like, for all intents and purposes, an eight-inch, cylindrical, round-tipped feminine crapft. So there it is. I don't know either.

You Tell Me.

2009-10-27T01:40:00.001Z

Is it ... is it a llama? Or, or is it maybe a cat? Or a giraffe? Or, well, ehm, what is this, exactly? Other than hideous, of course. That much is obvious. What is not obvious, though, is whether or not I'm currently making fun of a mentally-deficient individual. On one hand, this crafter was able to physically construct this item, take a picture of it, upload said picture onto their computer, and then post it on cutoutandkeep.net. On the other hand, look at it.

There's a fine line sometimes, folks.

So There's a Back-Story to This One (vagina)

2009-10-24T00:39:00.006+01:00

So I just got an iPhone, which I have found beyond amazing, and I downloaded the free 'google search' application. With vocal recognition. Or so they claim. Anyway, I'm not even going to go into what I was trying to search for, vocally, but here's what I got:

And there you have it. A giant, homemade, bike-riding vagina. With its own personal assistant.
And all I was searching for was local sea-food restaurants.
I'm impressed.

WOW, GUYS, I'M AMOST TO 250 FOLLOWERS! IF YOU DON'T FOLLOW ME ALREADY, PLEASE DO SO SO I CAN HAVE AN EXCUSE TO DRINK MYSELF INTO AN EXCITED FRENZY TONIGHT!

So Wrong, Yet So, So Right

2009-10-23T01:42:00.001+01:00

There's something about a furry black crocheted jellyfish giving me bedroom eyes that I find absolutely hilarious.

And alluring.

Strangely alluring.

When Cats Say "Fuck You"

2009-10-21T00:47:00.000+01:00

You know those stories about cats suffocating babies and throwing up in shoes and biting off the lips of their owners while they're sleeping? Well, I think I know why. And I have photographic evidence.

She Has No Right To Look This Pleased.

2009-10-19T00:36:00.002+01:00

So I've been staring at this picture of crocheted plastic bag jewelry for a while now, but I've been having a hard time writing a post about it, because the jewelry looks like jhbdsfylg. I'm sorry, let me try that again. The jewelry looks like kbdhjfwbygrfjhbg. Excuse me. It looks like sdafbnarugasbh333333333333333. kjsdfilhrteihu. dsgh. I just can't.
And don't even get me started on the wig. That might force the caps-lock.

And that's just about where I stand at the moment.

Just so you know.

Thanks again to cutoutandkeep!!

Let me just remind you; if you like this website, click "follow" on the right-hand-side-bare there. And if you're on facebook, go ahead and follow me there - also on the right-hand-side-bar there. I will be awarding prizes along the way! If you want to win an award, click "follow" or whatever, and then email me at mizzdrake@hotmail.com and let me know you're following me, and I'll enter you in my awards pool. Lovely!

I Hate It When Bad Crapfts Try to Tell Me What To Do.

2009-10-16T01:34:00.002+01:00

OKAY. I GET IT. Jeezus, Mr. green "BUY SODA" monster. Maybe I freaking will already. For real, chill the heck out. Seriously. You need to cool it for a minute, and then maybe ask nicely and then maybe, just maybe, I'll buy you some freaking soda. Just read your comic book for a second, put your skull away, and quit conversing with me in all-capitals, and then we'll see just how far your flaily-armed demands get you. Because at the rate you're going, all I'm prepared to buy for you is some diet caffeine-free Mr Pibb, and nobody wants that, now do we. No. We don't. Because it's the low-rent wall-eyed cousin of Dr. Pepper, and we all know it.

So just relax for a freaking minute and at least ask me politely in cursive.

I'm Drunk And Swear-y. Watch out.

2009-10-14T00:16:00.000+01:00

Good golly.

I oftentimes (isn't that a good word) resist in posting pictures of sock monkeys, as they, as far as I understand, are intentionally goofy and home-ec-y (again, isn't that a good word). That is, until I was sent this fine specimen of a sock-monkey by a reader. And what a specimen it is. Not only is it bizarrely armless, but it is also extremely badly-made. Which is a feat unto itself, considering how low the bar was already set. Because it's a freaking sock-monkey. So, uh, way to go, crappy-sock-monkey-creator. Now you have a claim to fame.

Thanks to melanie skiver for sending this in!

Also, I got another award! Thanks to The Fox Den for my shiny new addition to my already over-laden mantelpiece:

Thanks, fox den! I'm glad I'm addictive. Like heroin. Or meth. Or gambling. Or sex with underage Thai male prostitutes. Or your mom.

And, finally, I have a winner for the last competition. Well, multiple winners, really. A couple people guessed the right answer, Bob Dylan, but there were some really funny answers as well which I think it's only fair that I award. So, rock out, I guess. Here are the winners:

Nooter: for being hilarious, as always.
Eye love: for being correct, at least 50% of the time
MABJewelry: for guessing Bea Arthur
and Me-Me King: for also being correct.

Here's the award! You lot earned it!

I Don't Even Want To Know If Those Are Supposed To Be Teeth

2009-10-09T00:46:00.001+01:00

Egads people.

I think, that if my old university textbook of various psychological diseases were to manifest itself into a visual representation of what a brain tumor tastes like, this technicolour disaster would be the unholy result. In fact, I think this painting may have even been cited in the chapter's preface on paranoid schizophrenia as part of an anti-marajuana message.

Although, ironically enough, the artist reminisces: "I painted this clown during a very horrific time in my life," while also noting that "This bittersweet painting reminds us all that even clowns are sad sometimes". As if the idea of grown-ass men spending their lives dressed unrecognizeably in wigs and costumes with slathered-on grinning facepaint with the sole intention of playing with small children wasn't obviously sad enough already.

Although, to be fair, I think there's the perfect space for it on my second-floor landing. I've been looking to add just that perfect touch of "Oh-My-Fucking-God-What-The-Hell-Is-Wrong-With-You" to my other-wise neutral color scheme.

Thanks to Chris for the link!

BTW, contest winners announced tomorrow!!

Stop the presses!

2009-10-08T16:57:00.005+01:00

Everybody shut up! Stop what you're doing! Cancel the contest! Drop those groceries, where we're going we don't need groceries. Shut up I say.

You with the baby, tell it to shut up. Okay. Is everyone sitting down? Is the baby sitting down? Okay, pay attention because I just found the worst handmade item in HoHil History. Something so inappropriate in its conception and so disturbing in its final state that it makes Julia's crocheted placenta look like your Nana's Amish quilt.

Feast your eyes on that, why don't you? That is, if any part of your body can still feast. I don't think I will be feasting ever again. That. Is. A. Placenta. Teddy Bear. And it ain't the crocheted kind of placenta neither.

First they came to give me menstrual blood paintings, and I did not speak up because I was not a womyn. Then they came to give me placenta teddy bears, and I did not speak up, because I have never been to Burning Man. Then they came to give me earrings made of spit and flower vases made of soiled diapers, and by then there was no one to speak up for me.

(That's how it goes, right?)

(More information at Inhabitots where I found it.)

Your Guess Is As Good As Mine. Well, Not Really. Because I Know the Answer.

2009-10-06T23:30:00.000+01:00

Because I'm being a right lazy fatty today, we're going to have a little contest! Hooray for 12-hour work-days! Anyway, this contest should be pretty self-evident: I want you to guess just who the crap is that painted on this buxom lady's chest. Which means you're going to have to stop staring at her bra for just a minute and tax your historical/musical/presidential/gay 20'th century poet knowledge (or not. I don't want to give too much away.)

What do you stand to win? Why, international fame and unlimited riches, of course. In the form of an awards jpg. But still, I'm awesome so it's worth it.

In the event that no-one guesses correctly, the most creative/humorous answer wins!

And no, it's not a young Karl Lagerfeld, for the amount that it would be epic if it were.

Leave your guesses in the comments!

I'm Not Sure Dental Hygiene Belongs on Your Wrist. Just Sayin'.

2009-10-06T00:03:00.000+01:00

Look, I'm all for making a tooth-brush bracelet in the same way I'm all for creating pop-tab chain-mail. But, in the same way that I believe you should remove the pop cans before putting together your pop-tab chain-mail, I equally believe you should remove the bristles before creating your tooth-brush bracelet. Call me old-fashioned.

Thanks CutOut&Keep!

And It's Not Even a Toilet Roll Cover

2009-10-04T01:00:00.000+01:00

Maybe it's the freakishly large head. Maybe it's the freakishly small hands. Maybe it's the complete lack of the lower half of her body, or the unexplainable blue beaded tit she seems to be proudly and emphatically emerging from. Maybe it's because she makes me want to sing "the hiiiills are aliiiiive, with the sound of uuuuuugly." Or maybe, just maybe, it's because it appears the whole lower half is held together with large safety pins.

Or, you know, maybe it's all of the above, but I just can't bring myself to believe this is worth $20. Or the crafter's dignity.

Got To Give Props Where Props Are Due.

2009-10-02T00:29:00.000+01:00

Way to be creepy as fuck, crocheted umbilical newborn baby doll creature with removeable placenta. I'm truly terrified. Good for you.

octomessy

2009-09-30T16:46:00.003+01:00

So, let's say you're an octopus. Subjunctively speaking, as an octopus, would you be upset to discover that people are making dolls of you that are 20% big blue balls and 80% collagen lips?

And how would your opinion of the blue octopus ball be affected if I told you the only other option for your doll was something made out of The Joker's soiled handkerchiefs that looked like a hookah-style communal pantyliner?

Has your opinion of the first doll changed? Interesting. Thank you for participating in our octofocus group, we really appreciate your input.

burp

2009-09-29T18:23:00.005+01:00

As we all know, nothing is more appropriate than using a craft to store said craft's supplies. Martha Stewart supports using old sweaters to store your knitting supplies.

Sewing your own pincushion is fun and easy. And I for one have always been in favor of printing cookbooks on paper made from flattened beef jerky and overstock fruit tape. That way you can nibble on the pages while you cook, as I have made clear in my many, many letters to Rachel Ray. For some reason she has yet to write back, but rest assured that I have sent my idea in to the patent office just in case she gets any ideas about her next cookbook being called "All About Jerky, All Upon Jerky, It's Jerky Time with Rachel Ray" without properly compensating me. But when it comes to the soda tab seamstress, the pop can provocateur, the seltzer sartorialist, where do these fashionable souls store their extra soda tabs? In the soda tab pouch, of course.

It's colorful, it's useful, and as a bonus it will give you a wee preview of the overwhelming public scorn you will face once you start wearing that soda tab chainmail bodice you've been working on!

Yeah. I Have No Idea Why The Hell Either.

2009-09-27T23:22:00.000+01:00

As if, for a small child, the idea of a strange woman in costume sneaking into your bedroom in the middle of the night to steal your teeth, with no plausible explanation as to why, while you're sleeping, isn't scary enough. Behold, the tooth-fairy wall-hanging:

Just in case your lil'uns aren't terrified of the dark enough already.

potato oh no

2009-09-26T10:12:00.000+01:00

Here at Ho Hil Headquarters, we are certainly no strangers to potatoes. Julia and I are both proud descendants of the Potato Isle ("au gratin go brah"). I myself have been known to use mashed potatoes as a creamy dip for my french fries, and she is, well, she's about as ginger as you can get without being kidnapped by rogue sushi chefs and served as a garnish. Which is why it pains me to announce that as of now, I will be giving up my starchy past and going cold turkey (and cold cranberry sauce, and cold nothing else). Because the potatoes are sick and tired of us eating them, and they are opening their thousand eyes, and they are moving their slow thighs, and they are slouching towards the produce aisle (not to be confused with the Potato Isle) to start eating us back.

Someone call social services

2009-09-24T11:15:00.000+01:00

Nature or nurture? Is the instinct to wrap yourself in ill-fitting denim sewn haphazardly to whatever you can sweep off the floor at the Ugly Tablecloth Factory up the hill passed down biologically? Or is it taught?

We have only begun to investigate this fascinating area of neurogenetics, but a recent study where one group of babies (control) was asked to point to the fabric pattern they liked best, and another group of babies (experimental) was asked to design a fashion line for Kohl's Department Store (if Avril Lavigne can do it...) points to there being a fashion-focus hardwired into part of the brain. The cerebral couturetex, if you will.

Have run out of k y

2009-09-24T01:02:00.000+01:00

So I found a cell phone by the road the other day. A cell phone with text messages. I bet you know where this is going. Brilliant.

Now, don't get me wrong: I called the number entitled "mom" and informed her I had her son's phone. And he's coming tomorrow to pick it up. Until then, though, his cell phone is all mine. Including his text messages. And this more than counts as a homemade hilarity. So here we go.

Starting with his oldest recieved texts firsts, let's read on, shall we? Enjoy! (btw... it's totally worth reading to the end. Strangely compelling stuff.)

+447...:She does want that stuff but told her her she had 2 drop money off 2 me first she fin work at 5.let u no.maney

SHARON: Sharons mate n accountant im gona meet her 2mox with ur bks 2 look at b4 i fil in form 2 c if anything else i can claim 4 etc. X

SHARON: If u avnt done dont 4 get coke from other nite

SHARON: What time u b at mine babe x

SHARON: Oh no what shal i do

SHARON: I no ur a boy

SHARON: Yep in the pool at midnight xx

SHARON: U better ul need ur stamina hun xxx

SHARON: Jack ere with charlie can i bring him over 4 swim n eat then drop him home when i bring chels over then just u me n chaz stay their tnite x

SHARON: Txt me when u leave then x

SHARON: Avnt got 1

This is a message to remind you of a dental appointment on 24/08/09

SHARON: Would u do me a favour n bring chals over at 7 n pick up charlie. N il come over at 11 n get chels a taxi in morning n we can do shed stuff etc.

SHARON: U owe me some drilling iv given u lots of favours x

SHARON: Im not jvst dropin conner off 4 £10 as she couldntget him there n asked me avnt got involved

SHARON: N aint u glad i am even if i am mad u stil love me xxx

SHARON: Bollocks u aint under arest babe. 2day with the pathetic ebbatson family that men u at least av more 2 live 4 2gether that them ay. Im gona give kids 40 each extra a year instead sad people xxx

SHARON: Av u got any fast stuff left i need a dab in knackered

SHARON: We need 2 cover pool that why its cold

SHARON: Shal i get 1 off

Colin: Hi mate. Head all over place. Would help me if i could give you rent tonight if ok.

SHARON: Melvin. I do want 2 talk 2 u thats why iv arranged 2 start seeing elizabeth at crossling asap when she has a space. U dont allow me 2 talk 2 u, u talk over me. Also u tell me constantly that u dont want us 2 come back their, then u say that we have a perfectly good house their, then u say u wont move in with me here, but ur not interested in finding somewhere 2gether either... How the fuck am i suposed 2 nowhat u want 2 do, it feels 2 me that all u wana do is come round 4 company, 2 c kids, av a cooked dinner n sex. N if u dont get sex u sulk tho u dont think that i feel like ur mum not ur wife when do u show affection etc. I love u nelv i always will but ur right i cant do this either im walkin on eggshalls not 2 upset u n cause a row but no matter what i do its always wrong or not enought 4 u.

SHARON:Uv made ur mind up Melv. U dont want me back u dont want 2 move with us. What other choice is their melv cos i dont c one do u. Unles u av another option please tell me what it is. other than whats happening now u just stayin here which u keep telling me ur sick of doing and as u said ur wasting ur time doing it. 4 gods sake i cant cunjour up a solution if u can please tell me if u can. I cant read ur fucking mind can i. As i c it u dont want 2 live with me where ever im living u want 2 stay at ur beloved norrington but i cant move bk with u either i cant win with these options can i.

SHARON: Ru watching the footbal film its realy good

SHARON: i sat watching u sleep last nite on setee u looked so sweet n vunnerable wanted 2 snuggle u up. I LOVE U SO MUCH... Well have 3 s's 2nite... steak, sex n more sex.. actualy we wont well av steak n make love !! Il c if ella wil av chaz 2nite 2 xxx

SHARON: I am hun what u doin 4 me then babe u aint just gettin in my knickers surprise me 2.. in a romantic dreamer dont 4get!!!

SHARON: Depends on ur surprise factor will get u all the way!!

SHARON: When u do/get something off ur own back that makes me go aagh n that shows u love me. Thought of me etc. Ask chels if u dont get it i aint spelin it out melv ur surposed 2 surprise me.

SHARON: Ok hun iv just gone upstairs me arse wont fit in them babe they r chelseas 8/10 il av a look in la senza 4 some like it xx

Theo: Are you intrested in painting a 3 bed house for clairglow?

SHARON: In case u need to no its 8 mirrors melv, thanx x

SHARON: Crotchless!

SHARON: I thought u liked the fishy smell...

SHARON: Wait n c

SHARON: We av come downstairs now

Ed: Fine mate. Misses just chewing my earhole - you know what its like!

SHARON: Yeah do u think kids will notice

Wendy: Hi melv,hav u heard frm matt yet bout the mirrors x

SHARON: So, chelsea have been hit with a transfer ban!that should solve our illegal immigrant problems for the time being!

SHARON: Me 2 till u av another drink i was avin a nice time n it just got ruined x

Colin: Get your hands off me.... you freak!

Theo: Oi cock do you want to do this painting need to know asap

Maggie: Lo m8 if u do wan ua hair dne mateys cumin at 7 jus got bk hospital my nerves av gne in me foot smart aye an jus bin stung by a wasp ha

Wendy: Chair wil take 12 wks! Cant order til end of october god knows why!

Fizz: Hows your balls?

Nod: Got some viags m8

SHARON: Call me xxx

Tim: Have run out of k y

Tim: Is that a variation of spit roast

Tim: Nonehere

Craig: So, patrick swayze and michael jackson are in heaven arguing over who gets to put baby in a corner!

SHARON: Ur tab is 27.50

SHARON: Yeah im fine thank u x

SHARON: Melv glad ur avin a great time babe had 2 get my sister 2 av ur son cos u couldnt be arsed 2nite while i went 2 work gota get up at 5. U told me 2 call u when i had changed dont expect 2 come round here 4 sex when it suits you.

SHARON: Ur the 1 textin me "cum 2 me" or was that 4 some1 else. Ur the 1 bein a nasty cunt melv, beleive it or not iv got a much bigger thing 2 worry about at the moment.

SHARON: Leave me alone please if u feel that way. Ur the selfish nasty 1 i just hope u dont av 2 go through ur mum/dad avin cancer im in bits n ur 2 far up ur own arse 2 notice...

ET FINIS

All I have to say is "crotchless!!" Go Melv go!

I know this was a bit of a lengthy one, but the long-term relationship built up between Melv and Sharon is fucking priceless. You can't make this stuff up.

And believe me, I've tried.

I'll let you know if I find out how this all ends. It's a freaking cliff-hanger if I've ever seen one.

I've heard of Fractured Fairy Tales...

2009-09-23T11:59:00.000+01:00

but this is ridiculous! *rimshot*

This is what happens when you shop your contracts for heart-warming fairy tale happy endings out to the lowest bidder. Shoddy workmanship.

The happiest night of your life and all your conversations go the same way: "Prince Charming! Why hello, I don't think OH MY FEET OH HOLY MOTHER OF FEET we've been properly introduced, my name is Cinderella, and of course I'm a big fan JUST CUT THEM OFF AND END THIS TWISTED CARNIVAL OF SHARPNESS of your work with the kingdom and all. Shall we dance languidly beneath that shaft of moonlight I AM IN A UNIVERSE OF PAIN?"

The Look On His Face Says It All. Srsly.

2009-09-22T01:15:00.000+01:00

In the absence of a lengthy post today, I'm just going to post this redonculous tomfuckery.

Now discuss.

Dear God I Hope I Don't Get Sued.

2009-09-20T02:42:00.001+01:00

So I don't mean to get on a fashion kick lately, but there's just so much of this shit, given that the new collections just rolled out. And by "it" I mean "hideous crap" and by "new collections" I mean "Major Fashion Houses that Should Know Better." And I just had to share this little gem I came across earlier today on TheSun.co.uk.

For those of you not in the UK, The Sun is a "newspaper" that focuses on "important" "news items" from around the nation in a "non-biased" and totally "cerebral manner" (read: a glorified English News Of The Weird that interviews the likes of the utterly unimportant and totally inconsequential like Katie Price and Peaches Geldof. Seriously, for your own sanity, please don't click the hotlinks. Save yourself, my tender Americans. Save yourselves.)

Anyway, I was perusing this most important of news sources yesterday, and unwittingly stumbled across the most bewildering of columns: A how-to for expensive home-made fashion. As I'm sure you are already well-aware, I am no fan of the idiotic tutorial, and to find this with the thrown-in high-class factor made me positively giddy with delight. And pointed laughter. But mostly delight.

So here we go - the step-by-step totorial to creating a Ben De Lisi - like shirt. Enjoy the crazy.

Food-splattered shirt

Designer version (on the left): £1,000 by Ben De Lisi

Sun version (on the right): FREE

You will need:

An old white shirt, a bit of net curtain, red wine, green pesto, tomato ketchup, make-up, glue, scissors.

Step 1:

Cut the net curtain in circles and glue to shirt wrists.

Step 2:

Splatter ketchup, pesto, wine and make-up on the shirt until it's dirty.

Et finis

And you know what? I don't even know what to tell you. Take an old button-down and rub it with ketchup and baby vomit and suddely it's high fashion, I guess. Half of me is saying "wow, that's disgusting" and the other half is saying "finally, I have a use for all those shirts I've drunkenly puked on. Win."

Click here for more amazing fashion advice!! Thanks The Sun!

And She Looks So Pleased With Herself Too.

2009-09-17T23:45:00.001+01:00

Oh, homegirl, no. Just no. You cannot, and I repeat, cannot, cover up your cute lil' body with a series of multicolored knitted granny squares and a ruffle. Excuse me, two ruffles. You just can't. And I don't care if it cost $800. Because it looks like poo. Or at least like a 70's afghan. And you should know better. Because you're Cate fucking Blanchette.

JK gots to get paid, son

2009-09-16T21:51:00.004+01:00

I bet you thought I'd have a witty comment right here, huh? Nope, tricked you, don't you feel like a boob now. I actually want to shill for myself for just a second.

I am a huuuge MST3K and Rifftrax.com fan, and while I might be able to diet away the huuuge part, I can't deny my moist and tender feelings for sarcastic commentary over bad movies.

Well, Rifftrax.com has a section for fan-created iRiffs, and this is mine, over an old educational film about menstruation from the 70's:
http://www.rifftrax.com/iriffs/hi-im-jk-and-is-my-iriff-lindas-film-menstruation

If you enjoy my sarcastic commentary in text, try it in voice form won't you? You can pay 99 cents to download the 17 minute video (I get 50 cents of that, score!), or maybe you could just watch the free sample, then register an account and vote it "5 stars a subtle masterpiece of cinema", since it is.

Thanks! Hearts to y'all!
JK

loledward

2009-09-15T18:07:00.004+01:00

Hey, speaking of things which like to watch you with silent, murderous contempt...

Edward Cullen shower curtain! I mean, he only watched Bella while she slept. He's going to watch you while you pee.* (That means he likes you more.)

*(Unless he is busy looking at his hair in your bathroom mirror.)

whooo has the time

2009-09-14T02:23:00.000+01:00

Q: What time is it?

A: Well it's half past wonky eyeball. We should probably get a move on, we have to be out the door by quarter to meltface.

Q: Time flies when you're OH GOD SOMEONE ATE A PICNIC BLANKET FULL OF FLIP-FLOPS AND THREW IT UP IN THE SHAPE OF AN OWL.

Looks like cats are back on the menu, boys

2009-09-12T04:55:00.001+01:00

Do you long for the uncomfortable sensation that is a cat silently watching you, planning exactly how many minutes after you die to wait before starting to eat your face? Sure, we all do. But how about if you could have all that, without having to change a litter box? Well now you can, thanks to handmade ceramic Katz (tm)! Guaranteed to exude a constant aura of silent murderous contempt at all times or your money back!

Mrs. Stewart, You've Lost The Plot

2009-09-11T23:00:00.001+01:00

Dear God, Martha. Seriously. While this baby-stuffed lobster would be tasty, I'm sure, with some melted garlic butter and horseradish, it's still a lobster stuffed with live baby at the end of the day. Jesus Christ.

Prima Loofahrina

2009-09-10T20:50:00.005+01:00

Have we really dredged the bottom of the barrel in terms of things to make into dolls? I mean, okay, corn husks are a classic. Fine, tube socks are soft and they do make a quality monkey. Alright, even the occasional nylon stocking filled with sand will be allowed through. But wooden spoons and loofahs? I am drawing a line in the stocking-covered sand. No more, I say! I'm instituting a doll version of Obama's Put America to Work Plan, where spoon dolls are conscripted to stir soup, nylon and sock dolls have feet stuck up in their business, and rag dolls get attached to the nearest Swiffer, Master-Blaster style, and wiped across our national doorway lintels.

I mean, a spoon and a loofah? Can you come up with a worse material for a doll? Can you?

Oh, girlfriend no. You look like you have some major artistic ability going on there, so stop making dolls out of paper cups you dug out of the cafeteria's recycle bin and get thee to an art school posthaste.

Fuck Cats, Man.

2009-09-09T22:23:00.001+01:00

So I just made a vow over at URLesque.com to not post anything about cats today. And they've linked to me in return. It seems like a fair trade. In a spiteful, childish, cat-hating kind of way.

But still, it works.

So, in the spirit of today's ban on all things feline, here's not a cat:

And this isn't a cat either:

They're just terribly inappropriate and badly made.

So take that, cats. I don't even need to post about you to have a good time. And what. Fucking cats. Ruining everything. Taking over our websites and intertubes and bases. Being all pompous and shit. Like they're better than us. Licking themselves all luxuriously-like and shit like they taste good. Well, I, for one, have had it with their de-humanizing antics! Down with cats, up with burned-wood hand-engraved crab-shaped toilet-seat lids/mohair-crocheted fake-baby multicolour fuzzy suits!

I heard they put mayo on their burgers too

2009-09-08T04:27:00.000+01:00

This terrifying feline apparatus comes to us from Denmark, I believe. Hmm. Let me just open up my "Places Never to Visit" notebook and jot something down here real quick...

Frogspotting

2009-09-07T16:52:00.002+01:00

Hey Julia I found one of those rock frogs you were talking about. In it's natural habitat.

This picture was titled "frog in pong", which I guess is like a pond only instead of being made of water it's made of an old AOL free trial CD flipped upside down and covered in pebbles. All things being equal, I think I might prefer the 600 minutes of hissing CHHHHHHHZZZZZTT EEEOOOOEEEEOOOOO dial-up to having to look at that thing for even one minute.

Hopefully this is from the same person who posted the step-by-step tutorial on rock frogs. I would hate to think they got someone else hooked on this lifestyle. (Rock frogs are a known gateway crapft.)

How To Set Yourself Up For A Plea Of Insanity. One Step At A Time.

2009-09-07T01:32:00.000+01:00

I'm going to take you on a journey today, folks. A journey into the deliciously magical, fantastically whimsical, and dangerously insane world of the freelance crapft tutorialist. These people exist in a strange, strange world wherein they believe that 1) they have talent, 2) their talent is so exceptional that it must be shared and 3) the sharing of said talent is going to be so difficult for mere mortals to understand that a step-by-step tutorial is an absolute necessity. Unfortunately, these crazies are wrong on all three counts. Especially the part about talent. And needing to share it.

For example, I recently came across this brilliant masterpiece of an artistic tutorial on CutOutAndKeep.net entitled, optimistically, Rock Frog. This work of sheer genius is so overwhelmingly clever, so startlingly well-crafted, you'll have to do your best to keep up. Especially at step 2. Which is why I've added my own commentary in red. Enjoy the excellence.

Rock Frog Tutorial

(You better believe this fronting picture sucked me in.)

Step 1

Paint the rock green (or any color your want your frog to be)

(If you're seeing a rock anywhere in this picture, let me know. All I'm seeing is a moldy squashed marshmallow in the foreground. Next to a green puddle. And a CD.)

Step 2

Cut the pipe cleaner in half and shap them into legs by bending the right end back then up at angle then down at an angle about an inch over and then bend at an angle forward and twist it back and then around the edge of the foot. Repeat to make the legs for the other side of the frog.

(Tip: Make sure to bend the legs at an angular angle before you bend them back and up at the upward angle before twisting them down and forward and back and back again after you angle them forward while bending them upward. Otherwise it might not work.)

Step 3

Glue the legs on to the bottom of the frog.

(Ehm. Yes. Attach mangled pipecleaners to painted rock. It should, at this point, look kind-of roughly like a miniature green poo with a fuzzy green hat. We're almost done.)

Step 4

Glue the eyes on the frog and draw on a mouth (and warts on the back if you would like) with the black marker and spray with clear acrylic paint and allow to dry (this was done before I put him outside, but the picture did not turn out).

(Wow. Just wow. Understatement of the year, there, Captain fucking obvious. Way to go.)

On a side note.... The winners of our "what the hell is this" competition have been finalized! While many of you were close, Carla was the closest with "horrifically deformed fertility doll," so she gets a gold star, as do Sarah and DH for coming up with the most creative answer: "some sort of jock cup that comes with matching underpants that you can button it into." Cause that's just hilarious. And needs to be invented. If you want to see the original listing, click here!

And for Carla, Sarah, and DH, go on peeps and claim your prize!:

I watch too much Intervention

2009-09-04T20:14:00.002+01:00

"I don't know what the problem is, I put the chemical formula you gave me in the spoon and I cooked it up, but no meth came out... Amphetamines are so complicated! I'm going back to huffing."

(Actually that is the molecular formula for sugar, a spoonful of it, which is a pretty cute and geeky idea--too bad it makes you look like a crackhead from a distance.)

You Wouldn't Believe It If I Told You

2009-09-03T23:30:00.001+01:00

In honor of lazyness, exhaustion, and all that is insane, today's post is a "What The Fuck Is This" competition. Soo... what the hell do you think this is? Post answers in the comments. The closest or funniest answer will get their weblink posted tomorrow or the next day! Good luck!

Thanks to Patty G for sending this in! (so, no, Patty, you do not get a guess. I know. Life's hard.)

the 33rd voyage of sinbad

2009-09-02T08:37:00.001+01:00

Sinbad has a lot on his plate right now. He's battling a skeleton, he's lost in some sort of low-shrubbed skankforest, and he seems to have contracted a really nasty case of dysentary judging by how he's swimming in those pants. Bitch looks skinny as hell.

So I'm not going to give him more to worry about by making fun of the production values on this sculptural piece. Sure, his skeletal nemesis looks like it's made out of melting fluffernutter, but if you've ever seen the old Harryhausen stop-motion Sinbad and Argonauts movies, they don't look much less melty.

Don't look at me

2009-09-01T22:45:00.001+01:00

Hey, I'm not the one who quit my job so I could sell cards like this on Etsy full time, lady. Projection ain't just a class in film school no more, you dig?

A shy creature, ill suited for domestication

2009-09-01T14:55:00.001+01:00

Most species of hermit vaginas have long soft abdomens which are protected from predators by the adaptation of carrying around a salvaged empty seashell into which the whole vagina can retract. Most frequently hermit vaginas utilize the shells of sea snails, marine gastropod mollusks. The tip of the hermit vagina's abdomen is adapted to clasp strongly onto the columella of the shell. As the hermit vagina grows in size, it has to find a larger shell and abandon the previous one.

There are about five hundred known species of hermit vagina in the world, most of which are aquatic and live in saltwater at depths ranging from shallow coral reefs and shorelines to deep sea bottoms. However in the tropics, a number of species are terrestrial, and some of these can grow to quite a large size, for example, Kirstie Alley's.

Do you know all the various group terms for animals? A murder of crows, a school of fish, a pride of lions? The group term for hermit vaginas is actually "a lilith fair of vaginas". This lilith fair has actually left the safety of their shells to transition to large ones, an elusive subject for photos to be sure!

It's a Major Award! I won it!

2009-08-30T14:18:00.000+01:00

Fra...fra-GI-le? It must be Italian.

The Thought Process Behind This Baffles Me. And Amuses Me. And Baffles Me Some More.

2009-08-30T00:32:00.000+01:00

Sweetheart, I think you have something... just... right there.... on your ear. Yeah, just there... no.. your right ear. Yeah. It kinda looks like a lizard, actually. It kinda looks like a beaded lizard. It kinda looks like a beaded lizard humping your ear, to be honest with you. Like it wants to have babies with it. Serious-style. Like little beaded lizard-ear babies. Yeah. Maybe you should get that checked out at the vet or something. It looks like it tickles.

You Can't Blame Everything That Happened In The 70's On Drugs. Unfortunately.

2009-08-28T00:15:00.000+01:00

Oh, for fuck's sake, people. You cannot just turn a planter upside-down and call it a hat. You just can't. You just can't.

Ed. note: Well, upon further reflection, I guess, technically, you actually can. But that doesn't mean that you should. In fact, you definitely shouldn't. Especially when it looks this tarded.

You Should Really Run These Things By Your Friends Before Posting Them Online. Just A Thought.

2009-08-27T00:29:00.000+01:00

I don't really have anything against designing and crocheting you own outerwear in theory.

In practice, though, it's a slightly different matter.

Gay-Be-Gone Dreamcatcher (tm)

2009-08-25T18:00:00.005+01:00

I think this is for fundamentalist Christians who attend those horrible "Ex-Gay" ministries. You hang it over your bunk at night and it traps all the dreams about Zac Efron, while letting the Megan Fox dreams through. (Or vice versa.) Then in the morning you awake refreshed, feeling oh so pretty, witty, and completely heterosexual. You shake the dreamcatcher out over the sink, a beautiful transgendered technicolor unicorn leaps out of it and prances away into the sky, and your gay-be-gone dreamcatcher is ready to be used again the following night!

Sponge Bob Strange Pants

2009-08-24T23:23:00.002+01:00

Wow guys. Just wow. I had no idea just how many bizarre chrocheted manifestations of Sponge Bob existed in the crafting underworld of the magical internet tubez. Evidently, there are at least two. And this is one of them. And it scares the holy fuck out of me.

For double points, imagine the white stripe as Sponge Bob's crack-induced grin. It'll make you chuckle.

Thanks to Patty G for sending this in!

Honesty Is, Indeed, The Best Policy

2009-08-23T23:09:00.001+01:00

So on Friday, kind readers, we discussed what happens when a crapft is simply mislabeled. Well, not simply mislabeled. Utterly and completely mislabeled. Today, though, we're going to take a look at crapfts that are indeed labeled correctly. Correctly and un-ironically. This, for example, is named "one-of-a-kind plush toy", which is, to be fair, totally apt if not a touch understated. As is the accompanying footnote: "(Disclaimer: the stitch work is not great.)" In this kind of a situation I really appreciate this crafter's honesty, as my first reaction upon seeing this object was "what a delightfully normal and well-sewn object I have here in front of me on my computer screen. I am seriously going to contemplate buying this perfectly ordinary and painstakingly crafted plush toy. If only I could own something with such a high level of craftsmanship."
And then I would have wasted 24 dollars.

Many thanks to Patty G for sending this one in!

Thank You!

2009-08-21T23:44:00.001+01:00

This is just a THANK YOU to everyone who has subscribed to be a follower of HomemadeHilarity since December. I remember, just a few months ago, when I hit 16 followers, and opened a bottle of champagne. Now, we're looking at 200 followers, and I couldn't be happier. So I raise a proverbial glass of bubbly to you, dear reader, and thank you for making this small corner of the internet very, very happy. JK and I aim to please, and with our 200th follower looming, I feel we may have hit our stride. We strive to continue to grow and get funnier, and many big works are in talks at the moment. But, at the end of the day, we are successful because of you, and we certaintly won't ever forget that. So thank you!

You Say It's a Pencil Case. I Say It's Shit.

2009-08-21T22:20:00.002+01:00

Sometimes the issue with crapfts isn't the effort put into them. Sometimes the issue isn't the crapftsmanship involved. Sometimes the issue isn't with the usefulness of said crapft. Sometimes the issue is that they're simply mislabeled.

This, for example, is labled as "The Cutest Pencil Case".

Which, obviously, is misleading.

Significantly.

source: cutoutandkeep.net

btw... homemadehilarity on facebook hasn't been showing up properly on this page recently... click here to join! It's free! It's fun! It's awesome! It's interactive! It'll make you sexy and irresistable to the opposite sex! It's almost as good as the wolf and moon t-shirt! Seriously! It'll get you laid! I almost swear to god! SRSLY!!111